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Anyone know how to find a group home for disabled FIL? (and small vent)
I need some help, and I was hoping someone could point me in the right direction. My FIL is mentally disabled because of a series of strokes that he had (due to his high blood pressure and alcoholic ways).
Currently, he lives with my husband and me. But we are at our wit's end with him. I know some people will think that I'm horrible, but I can't live with him any longer.
He has to be told to shower, he eats constantly, and he even wipes poop on the toilet seat and bowl in the bathroom and even the shower walls. He has some kind of intestinal problem and our house absolutely reeks. My husband and I rarely leave our bedroom because of the smell, and I have thrown up several times because of it.
I know I may seem heartless, but we have to find him a different place to live. I don't feel like we are obligated to deal with this anymore, since he never felt obligated to care for his kids. My FIL walked out on all three of his kids when they were small, and didn't pay a dime of child support. He didn't even take the time to call them on their birthdays or even acknowledge their existence at all. He ended up living with my husband because he showed up on his door three years ago with nowhere to go.
We looked into assisted living for him, but it is way out of our budget. I talked to a friend who worked at a group home and it seems like the best option. But the problem is that I have no idea how to find one. Can someone please get me pointed in the right direction?
Thanks in advance.
Re: Anyone know how to find a group home for disabled FIL? (and small vent)
Start with social services in your area. Here, he'd be assigned to a social worker, who would get him hooked up with whatever benefits he's eligible for, including disability, etc, and get him out of your house.
I am so sorry you are in the middle of this; no, you are not a bad person, at all. You are simply not a home set up for mentally and physically disabled people; and the fact that it's your FIL is not the point. You're not a care home.
Call Social Security, call social services, call call call. But start dialing now. This is insane.
Is he physically disabled? Mentally? Or both? What is his age? If he doesn't have a case manager in your area, you could start there with social services. It sounds like he could use one. Also, if he qualifies in age, you could call your local area of aging. What are are you in?
Is your FIL on SS? There are LOTS of homes that take SS beds. I work in mental health, please feel free to PM me with any other questions. I will check back on your post too!
This exactly.
If he is a veteran, you might also try the local VA office.
This gent needs assisted living. And as you can see, being primary caregivers for a relative, or being in the same home with them, is stressful and taxing.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
He is not really physically disabled, just mentally. He is not a veteran, but he is on SSDI. He doesn't qualify for Medicaid, and from what I can understand, he won't be eligible for Medicare until April. He just turned 50 last month, so I don't think he qualifies for anything based on age. We live in East Tennessee. I think we can afford a group home based on what he gets for SSDI, but assisted living is over twice that amount.
Thanks for all the advice and support.
I'm thinking nursing home.
Any decent group home would not accept someone with those sorts of behaviors/illness as a quality of life issue for their other clients. I know I'd be pissed if someone tried to move him in with my loved one.
First - make phone calls. Get him to a doctor for his bowel problems - he could have something contagious (like VRE) If need be take him to the Emergency room - he is clearly unable to care for his activities of daily living - this alone could warrant him being placed in some sort of care facility. Another approach is to not make your home an option for his future living arrangements. Stand firm and have him placed. - if indeed he his not capable of living on his own with a care taker.
Second forget what kind of person he was - what he did or didn't do and deal with the problem in the present time. This will attitude about the situation will get you further with people you have to speak and meet with.
Good luck to you - you are not alone with this situation and there are people out there to help.
Just a quick update. I called a social service agency in our area and explained to the man there what was going on with my FIL. I didn't ask about group homes directly since that may not be the right option. The man at the agency was very nice and said that he is going to get a list of resources for us that should be able to help us get my FIL admitted to a good place.
Thanks again for all your help and support.
I know this is going to sound awful?. My dad went through the same thing with his mother. For all intensive purposes she was and is a horrid human being. He had to tell social services that he was taking absolutely no responsibility for her and that he would sign absolutely no paper work. She was put into a temporary facility while the hounded him to take her. He refused. They said she would have nowhere to go and end up wantering the streets (huge guilt trip etc.) Finally, they got the message and got her somewhere permanent about 3 weeks later. It is not your responsibility (unless DH signed something say it was).
KRHagen
My DH and I actually discussed this. We wondered if there was a way to just let the state take him, but we were not sure how to do it. We have an appt with a social worker next week though, so hopefully it won't come to that.