September 2010 Weddings
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Anyone else?
Anyone out there in Nestland having first year issues with their DH? Or what I hope are first year issues? Could use some support there, but don't want to whine more on the board.
Re: Anyone else?
jess, not to worry, no couple is perfect, and being a newlywed does not mean marital bliss all the time. trust me. our first 2 weeks back from our honeymoon were pretty rocky...and nothing really changed with us, except ger had to work all the time. i think there is a lot of pressure to be happy and perfect for your first married year/as a newlywed and whenever you don't feel perfect and blissful then you feel like a failure. but trust me, it is normal.
the key is just to communicate. communicate with your hubby that you are unhappy/whatever the issue is. and then work on it together. relationships take work!
Blog
Whine away.
H & I have been doing our thing for years, so the biggest change for us so far has been wearing extra rings. I'm sure everyone can offer you support and/or insight.
The Princess of Anything is Coming!
Had a dream I was queen.
Woke up. Still queen.
Right there with you. Despite the fact that we were living together before we got hitched, there are definitely things that have changed - and things that I think need to go back to the way they were.
K and I went to a wedding on Saturday - after having a huge blowout fight on Friday (Happy New Year to us). When the officiant started talking about how things wouldn't always be as *perfect* as they are on the wedding day, we just looked at each other & smiled - only 3 months in and we're already living proof. But Shauni is right - it's about communication and just hanging in there - it's not always going to be sunshine & rainbows, but it will get better.
Whine away about whatever. It's better to get it out somewhere, maybe get a new perspective on things, and move forward rather than holding it all in.
((hugs))
I totally know what you mean! Eventhough me and H have been together for years and living together for years after the wedding, things do change. I think for me it's almost like I am trying to find my place as a wife now. I have always been very independent and I march to my own drummer (some people say) and now I have this other half of a person I am a team with. After we got back from the HM we got on eachothers nerves easier than normal and ofcourse money issues are always in play. We have definetly been trying to communicate more which we have been doing very good in, and it makes things (arguments) smooth over faster. Ok my whine is over now! haha
PS-Stonkey, what is your old screen name? You might have said it on another post, but now I don't know who i'm talking to now. lol
TTC since 08/2010
Anovulatory since at least 12/2010 (probably longer, unDx)
Dx PCOS 3/2012
SA 5/25/12--normal
June 2012--50mg clomid+TI--BFN
July 2012--50mg clomid+Ovidrel+TI--BFN, lining at 5mm
August 2012--5mg femara+Ovidrel+TI
I think we can all empathize. I've been with DH for seven years and even though most things stayed the same after getting married there have also been some stressful times. Especially since the last year we were both distracted in planning the wedding and getting everything done. Once the wedding was done, those issues that we put aside were still there, waiting to be worked on.
But we love each other and there's no one else I'd rather be fighting about doing laundry with.
Marriage is about the ups and downs, the good and bad. We will all have issues with our DH's, getting through it will help make our marriages stronger.
JRSonday
Thanks guys. Things are just generally craptacular right now. DH doesn't have a job (he was miserable at his old one ... told him he could quit assuming he looked for something new and he hasn't even looked). I'm pulling all the financial weight and most of the household weight (he pretty much sits at home all day and works on things he wants to work on which, to a certain extent is fine, but not when I work 10-12 hour days and then have to come home and do the dishes over and over and over again). The end of December was the deadline for him to have a job or a volunteer position or something and he's just not taking care of business. Add to that the fact that his drinking has increased (he is an alcoholic but he and I made the deal that he would limit his intake) ... I'm pretty not happy right now.
I'm not saying I'm leaving or anything and I know it'll get better ... wank wank wank. I could just do all this $h!t single. Tried to get him to see a therapist ... he's into it, but will not make the appointment. Then is mad at me because I want him to go and he doesn't want to go.
I'm not really sure what's going on with him (actually I am ... he has to be feeling somewhat emasculated and a little pissed that he has to do the house chores and whatnot, but he can't really be pissed unless he's actually doing them), but I can only deal with so much. I am working my @$$ off ... would be nice if he at least realized that I'm carrying the mortgage, his child support, the groceries, the vet bills, etc. Would be nice if he did the things he said he'd do (clean the kitchen, deal with the dogs). Would be nice if I didn't have to baby-sit him on all of it. And trust me, I've tried "backing off" in order to get him to maybe possibly start taking care of things on his own. The dishes didn't get done for almost two weeks as a result.
The worst? Today's his birthday. I don't even feel like seeing him. Pretty sure he feels the same about me.
I ditto everyone else!
H and I lived together for a year, but got engaged about 3 months after moving in, so that time was spent being consumed by wedding madness. It almost feels like we're just now settling in. Our big disagreement is about who cooks, since I end up cooking AND cleaning, which pisses me off. H says that he'll cook if he can pick what to make, but his suggestions are, to me, 90% awful.
I think this is just us learning how to manage life's little disagreements. We have such different strategies for argument/negotiation. I'm an attorney, so I do this all day long. I come in with logical arguments, and lay them out. H comes in bitchy, like when he was pissy yesterday that I asked him if he could just not SEE the other dishes that needed to be done when he washed the few in the sink. (Not that I'd admit my take on this to him!)
Wow, Jess. Your reply came in while I was typing. I just wanted to say it sounds like you're right, that he's emasculated by being dependent on you. My H is the same way with it not helping if I back off my requests for him to do XYZ chore, but then he doesn't like it when I remind him.
I think you've got the right idea, to encourage him to see a therapist. Is it possible for you to just make an appointment? I realize that might make it worse, but it also might make things better for him to have a safe place to vent and work on tools for dealing with life.
I second the PP with therapy, if he doesn't go, please go for yourself. Also, if his drinking has increased & he's an alcoholic, I would recommend going to an AA meeting. Because if he is still out of work, his drinking will probably increase more and if he says he's drinking "x amount" he could be drinking more w/out you knowing about it.
IUI #1 10/12/11 (Bravelle + HCG + Prometrium & acupuncture) = 10/26 BFP! Beta #1=250, Beta #2= 615. 1st u/s 11/8.
I am in charge of the finances and I can count the amount of beers in the fridge, so thankfully I don't think the latter part is a problem. At least he's an honest alcoholic, right? *sigh*
I'm just frustrated. Things aren't as bad as they sound/we're not on the brink of divorce, it's just been a really frustrating couple of weeks. He needs to find something for him.
I just talked to my BFF on the phone for about an hour over my lunch period, and she had the same thing with her DH (not the drinking). Definitely think we're doing the therapy thing whether he likes it or not ... just texted my therapist to see if she wanted to see us or if she knew someone who would.
Just really really frustrated, but I am planning on sticking to it.
Jess, I'm sorry things are so stressful. I don't blame you for feeling annoyed and a bit resentful. I think the thing that stood out to me - even more than the drinking - is that you're paying his child support. I know you're H/W now and his expenses are yours, but dude, that's his responsibility. You're definitely a better wife than I think I am for letting him quit his job and agreeing to take on all the responsibility, but I think there needs to be a chat about boundaries - for your own sanity. There's only so much you can take, and hopefully he understands that.
With the dishes and household chores - can you stand to just stop doing them? Let the dishes sit on the coffee table for a few days, let them sit in the sink, let the laundry pile up and see how he reacts. And when he starts to realize nothing is done let him know it's because you're worn out and stretched too thin. Maybe then he'll realize what a burden it is to have everything on your shoulders.
With being jobless and not finding anything - and the increased drinking - it seems like maybe there's a slight bit of depression. I think therapy is a good idea. Maybe go as a couple at first to get him used to the idea and then encourage him to keep going on his own, and you can even still go on your own as well. I think it's good that you have his drinking under a watchful eye. The last thing you want is for that to spiral out of control again. However, if he's an alcoholic, I think the best thing is to figure out what's driving him to drink and fixing it so that he doesn't feel the need to anymore. And hopefully the therapy will help with that.
Keep strong. You know that walking away isn't the answer, and that's a good sign. I hope things start to shape up soon.
It is my belief that every couple has 2-3 issues that they will battle over for eternity. If they were there before you got married they'll be there after. It's unrealistic to think that a piece of paper and a wedding ring will change things.
No couple is in perfect harmony and sync all the time. Don't put so much pressure on yourself to be issue free.
Agreed. And I try not to. These issues are ones that have come to light as of late and are those that make it a little more difficult to be happily married. They are ones that need to change back to the way they were or at least change form to something more acceptable to both of us.
Damn my edit didn't take. I saw that you explained what was going on - we have had all of those issues.
MFD is an independent contractor (realtor). He can work in his office or in his office at our house. Since he's commission based, I feel the financial pressure.
All last winter he'd lay around all effing day. I'd come home and dishes would be all over, the dogs would need to go out, and anything I asked to be done that day he would've forgotten about. Really? And the drinking increased as well. Vicious cycle.
Frankly I hated him sometimes. Laziness is one of my extreme pressure points - do not know I work my a$$ off all day for 10+ hours and have me come home and pick up after you. Two people live here, two people maintain it.
It is really frustrating and scream inducing. I have been through it and it was not pretty. Hang in there.
Any advice on WTF to do?
To be honest, I flipped the F out and said bring money in or do the housework, but no one lives here for free. Period. I lost my sh$t.
I was soothing, encouraging and accommodating for quite a while but one person can't carry everything.
If both people work outside the home, I think household work should be split up in whatever way works for the couple. But if one person is home all the time and unemployed or work at home is slow, that person should be doing the majority of the housework. It's like adding insult to injury to be the one bringing it in and to come home to a disaster area.