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Friends and divorce
When I Mike and I decided to get married we were in great company. We had many friends that got married last year, and many friends that we thought had been happily married for awhile. In the past few weeks we have found out that things really aren't what they seem.
A good friend of Mikes (and mine) has been married for 10 years, has 2 beautiful kids and is in the middle of one of the ugliest divorces I have seen. It has completely changed our friend, and his wife is a gold-digger. I know that sounds incredibly horrible to say but she claims to want a divorce so she can do things on her own but wants a payout of $300,000 and alimony and child support. Its just craziness, my heart goes out to the kids.
Another friend called me 2 days before christmas to tell me her husband said he was done. They too have a child and they are just trying to figure things out.
And my brother, his wife decided (after she had them move to michigan to be closer to her family) that she wanted a divorce. They too have a daughter who we aren't sure if we will ever get to see again. Right now my brother is living with us and its tough.
I guess I am just saddened and makes me work harder at making sure Mike and I don't fall apart. Its tough when kids are involved and I respect people for making the best decision for everyone involved, its just tough to see our friends struggling.
Other than hugs and listening I am at such a loss as to what I can do..
Re: Friends and divorce
I'm sorry that this is all going on around you. The only real advice I can give is to not let it get to you and Mike and to your relationship. And to be there as much as you can for your friends/brother. Divorce is never easy, but sometimes it is truly for the best. The best thing you can do is offer support and a loving place. I'm sure that's more than enough.
If I can offer some advice from someone freshly married AND twice divorced - divorce isn't always the awful thing people from the outside perceive it as. Divorce is sometimes what saves a family, rather than tear it apart. In the beginning, it almost always looks ugly and terrible and one-sided - then tempers settle down a bit, compromises are made, and the big picture comes into focus.
Depending on what the net worth of a couple is, wanting compensation for what you've put into making something what it is (and that doesn't mean just in paychecks alone - I don't know the situation with your friend's wife, but sometimes a woman opting to stay at home and raise the children full time is exactly what allows a man's career to advance to a successful point - and vice versa) isn't the worst thing ever.
I also have to play devil's advocate and remind everyone that we never know what happens behind the scenes. Very few people just wake up one day and want a divorce for no reason.
You always go IN to marriage thinking it's forever and will last and you'd "never" be "that couple," but over half of all marriages ARE ending and there's just no getting around it. It doesn't mean EITHER half of the couple is "wrong" or "bad," and it's not always the worst thing for children, either. Learning that sometimes walking away is better than fighting is something that is drilled into kids from birth when it comes to so many areas of life - I don't think it's bad advice when it comes to marriage, either. A child is much better off growing up with two parents who express love from separate locations than two parents who live together and show nothing but anger, hostility, and hate.
It's too bad it didn't work out for your friends, and I feel the same when it is friends of mine, but I rarely feel pity for them. Instead, I am hopeful for everyone's future, because obviously they weren't in the right relationship, no matter what they thought on the day they got married.
The same thing happened to DH and I, both concerning marriages and back when we were dating too. Couples all around us have broken up and then others divorced and its scary...Domestic violence, cheating, falling out of love.....its nuts. DH and I talked about this very topic, his sister is one of the ones in the cheating category, and we have open discussions about not lettting ourselves get there and have promised to talk if we ever begin to even THINK about one of those roads.
Divorce is ok when its good for all parties involved, when it starts to get ugly, one sided and is filled with bitterness, greed and spite is when its awful
I'm sending out positive vibes to your friends and family, and to you as well, so that everyone makes it out of this as unscathed as possible, and that you wont lose contact with your brother's child
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Luckily I've never experienced divorce first hand, but I have had friends struggle with it with their parents.
I think about this too. DH and I have been together 11 yrs and we're 24, so we've done a lot of growing up together, still have more to do and shared a lot of major-life experiences so when I think about it, I'm like "oh man, we'll be fine, we've always been"...but then when you see couples divorcing left and right, especially some after 20 years of marriage, it is definitely scary!
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I am sorry to hear so many people around you are going through such hard times, but I have to agree with Melissa on this one.
Although I hope with all my heart Jason and I never go down that road, I do understand why it happens to some couples. My parents divorced when I was 12 and I think it was one of the best things to happen to my family. They just weren't happy together, but agreed to stay 'friends' for us 'kids'. My Mom has been with my wonderful stepdad for 13 years who is one of the nicest people in the world, and my Dad is very happy on his own. Both my parents still very much love and care for one another, my Dad even goes to my Mom's house for every holiday to celebrate with the family and really likes my Stepdad. So sometimes divorce really is the best for everyone even though at the time it may not seem like it.
Montana, I feel you. We are going thru the same thing with DH's brother and his wife. We just found out that she has been having an affair. We knew something was going on in August, but apparently it was more than what we all thought. They have 2 kids and it just makes me sick to think that he is putting up with all of this. I don't think I could to it, lay in bed with someone that was just laying in bed with someone else.
H and I talk about all that is going on around us all the time and both give our feelings/opinions about it. I am so glad that we can openly talk about it.
I am a huge marriage counseling advocate. My parents were possibly getting a divorce 2 years ago and they went to counseling and celebrated 25 years of marriage last week.
Ugh - I hate hearing this stuff. It makes me nauseas. I am very sorry to hear that so much of it is going on around you. We've had a few people during our engagement that chose to separate for various reasons, and most were at the 10+ year mark. I know PP mentioned that you don't go in to the marriage expecting divorce, but you have to wonder if there were signs?!
I find myself asking the people why? and if there was hesitation to be wed, etc. It's often a generic "we grew apart" (unless cheating, etc) so that doesn't help. I just want to be sure that I do my best on my end to keep this marriage for life. It scares me to hear of so much divorce.. even though sometimes it genuinely is for the best.
Can I just say, as someone whose parents divorced when I was 9, that I so wish they divorced sooner. I saw and heard a lot of stuff as a kid I wish I didn't. That stuff sticks with you...
That is awesome!
I am totally not against divorce. I firmly believe that some people do better apart. I guess it just makes me sad.
I think it has more to do with myself being at point where I am happy, and all sorts of lovey-dovey newlywed and I think (or wish) everyone would be too.
I hate seeing people hurt but if in the long run its better for everyone I am all for it.
Agreed. My parents split permanently when I was just about to graduate from high school, after multiple splits and reconciliations. It made me very, very cynical about marriage for a very long time.
I wish your friends and your brother all the best, Montana.
Oh Montana, I'm sorry, I know this is crappy. And I'm someone who worries like it's my job about my friends and family, and when they're upset, I'm upset.
Divorce is often the best thing, as painful as going through it is. My parents divorced when I was three, so I don't remember them being together. But what I remember is them always getting along (in front of me) and being friends. They never had a bad thing (just jokes) to say about each other around me. And seeing some friends go through their parents' divorce, and the nastiness, and using the kids as a pawn or a weapon... The most healthy thing they could do for me was get divorced.
And I've been divorced. I was miserable and depressed in my first marriage, and was still totally shell shocked when he said he wanted a divorce. He pulled the rug (my life) right out from under me. My older brother and sister had both been married and divorced, and ours was the marriage that was supposed to work. It took me several months to realize, but it was the single best thing he did for me in the 5 years we were together. I wasn't strong enough to leave.
Just be there for them, and make them delicious noms. They've got to work it out for themselves.
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I'm also a huge marriage counseling advocate. Friends of ours have been married for over 8 years, and this summer, she moved out while he was volunteering with us at camp. They've been working with a counselor, and last month she moved home. They're doing really well, by all accounts, and he really just needed a slap of reality to realize he was losing his wife.
This doesn't help your case, but I wanted to share. This is the same couple that had "the sweetest breach of etiquette ever!" For anyone that doesn't remember, the husband FBed me a month or so before the wedding, and long story short, said he thought seeing a wedding in the place they fell in love (camp) could be really good for their marriage.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
**Current VistaPrint Groupon - $17 gets you $70(good 'til 11/8)**
**New project in the works: Follow my Twitter for more Groupon (etc) deals!**
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Bio ~ A Bride's Guide to VistaPrint * www.vistaprint-goddess.weebly.com
"In my book you're a VistaPrint goddess" --Hannah
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