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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
In-laws dependent on my husband...am I overreacting?
Ever since we started dating, my now in-laws have been very dependent on my husband to help them with everything. In the last few weeks, it's started to wear on us both. His parents needed to talk to someone from their property management company about a notice they had received, and my father-in-law had my husband take a half-day off work to do it for them because he didn't want to take the time off and drive down to do it. My mother in-law has been having medical problems and has an appointment on Thursday and my husband called today to tell me that his dad didn't want to take the day off work, so my husband is taking another day off (He already took the half-day this week) to go with his mom. He also asked me to take the day off to come with them. I fully understand his wanting to go with his mom, but as I just graduated from college and am working only part time while looking for work and living paycheck to paycheck on my husband's income, these missed days are contributing to a financial burden. To top this off, my husband said that since his parents are going to have increased medical bills, he would like to help his parents out financially. I love his family and would be willing to do this, but we do not have those means. I feel like much of what we are doing for them should be things that they take care of together, instead of my husband and I. I don't know how to react and feel like I am overreacting to this, but I really don't know what to do. Any advice would be fantastic. Thanks!
Re: In-laws dependent on my husband...am I overreacting?
So, your DH isn't really as worn out about this as you are, is he?
I just erased what I originally wrote. Here's the thing- he's going to want to help his parents on some level. If you go into this w/ "don't do errands for them and don't give them money", he may feel pushed into a corner and that he has to basically abandon them. You're going to lose that war, I think.
Instead, start breaking this down into smaller battles. W/ in reason, support him giving them his TIME, but tell him that you all simply don't have the $$ to give them.
If you strive to meet him part way on this, you may get a better reaction.
But that said, the "time" has to be w/in reason too. If helping them really gets in the way of your life together, then that's an issue. Try to find a balance that you can live with.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
pp is right. this is NOT an IL problem, it's a DH problem.
the last day that they ask him for help will be the day he says no. he needs to learn to say no. if he can't you need to figure out if this is what you want to live with forever.
how old is dh and how old are you?
and how long did you date before you got married? how long have you been married? what's the living situation?
not that any of this really matters-i'm just wondering....
Uh...you guys sound like you can't afford for H to take off from work so much! He wants to help them financially but with what $$??? If he's cutting his pay???
I agree with PP that a calm, rational discussion with him on this is VERY much needed. Get out your budget. Discuss HOW you guys can afford to help them. Once you crunch the numbers together, maybe he will see for himself that it just isn't feasible at this time. As for his time, well, he HAS to learn to say no. Or "no right now" and he does the errand on his OWN schedule so work is not missed.
I think his Dad is being selfish with all this and your H has got to set up some boundaries. Dad doesn't want to miss work but he DARN sure doesn't seem to mind his son missing work.
You guys are young, better to establish some boundaries now with the parents than later.
GL!
...um, because he loves his wife? Just b/c the H in this story is a pushover, there must be a very strange marriage dynamic between his parents.
OP - - does your FIL not feel comfortable with hospitals or doctors? Is he afraid to confront his wife's illness? Or can he just not be bothered?
I think you need to sit down with your H and have a conversation about boundries, and what is appropriate for a son to do for his mom when his dad is healthy.
There could be other things involved - such as FIL knows that he will need to use up time in the future, and with the looming medical bills, knows that every day he takes off now just puts him further in the hole financially.
I think your H needs to think about what he is and is not willing to do to help his mom. For example, he might be able to take (unpaid) family leave once a week to take his mom to the doctors. But he can't do that AND take days off or give the ILS money. You simply cannot afford it.
I would also ask your H to speak with a social worker. They can often point family members in the direction of what services are provided by medicare / medicaid, the county health services, etc. For example, DH's dad is able to get free transportation to doctors visits from his town b/c he is a senior.
I agree with this. Presenting him with black-and-white information, calmly, is going to go over a lot better than just telling him that this is a bad idea. Because if you say that (not that you'd be wrong to tell him that it's a bad idea) is more than likely just going to come across to your H as, "I don't like your family and I don't want to help them."
If you show him your budget and gently say, "Giving them money and taking time off work is going to destroy our budget," hopefully he will realize that you're right. Sit down with him and talk about ways to assist his parents that don't put a burden on your finances or your time with each other. Set limits (how often he sees/assists them, how much money - if any - he gives them) and make sure you both stick to them.
But if he ignores these facts and does what he wants anyway, then you have a very big husband problem.
And ditto this as well. If you guys dig yourselves into a hole by helping out his parents, well, his parents sure don't sound like the types who will help the two of you in return.
Parental guilt is an awful thing. Some parents are absolute masters at it. I'm telling you from personal experience ... nip it in the bud NOW, or else you will be dealing with this for the rest of their lives. Even moreso if (heaven forbid) one of his parents die and you have a lonely, co-dependent widow(er) just piling the guilt onto you guys. The longer you let them grow dependent on you, the harder it'll be if you decide that you've had enough. And it'll be that much harder to convince your husband to cut the cord, because he'll be so used to the routine, and the guilt, that he'll be afraid of killing them if he tells them he's had enough.
No is not a dirty word. They won't die if you tell them that they need to take care of themselves.
YOU and YOUR H better sit down and have a calm rational discussion about budget and how much money he wants to help them out with..... AND you BOTH NEED TO BE ON THE SAME PAGE with the agreement. I can see this going really bad very quickly as the medical bills add up.
And your H needs to put his foot down when his father expects him to do stuff.... but that is up to your H....
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.