Sex & Romance
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
TMI sex after baby
Sorry about the TMI but I really need some advice...So since I had Oliver I pretty much haven't been able to have sex... it hurts so bad that I cringe and cry...and now dread it because I know it will hurt...which has ultimately made DH not want to do it because he doesn't want to hurt me... NOT GOOD.When I asked my midwife about it months ago she said use lube ... she said it was scar tissue from me tearing and the episiotomy... * we do use lube.I think I need to go back to another dr and make sure everything is okay down there... who do I go to? just an OB/GYN?has anyone else been through this? i'm so sad about it and want to get back to the way it used to be!sorry again for the TMI.
Re: TMI sex after baby
I had the same issue with the birth of my second son. (Who is now 11.) It took about a year for me to feel 'normal.' I had a c-section with our first child, then a V-bac and I tore, all the usual nightmares. Sex was painful, even with lube. It honestly felt like DH wouldn't 'fit.'
We just took sex very slow. It wasn't easy to do with two kids, but DH was very sweet about it. If I felt any kind of pain or winced, we would pause. We also became very liberal in manual/oral stimulation so we weren't necessarily always trying to have just sex.
I wonder if it's just the way your body heals in general. After about a year I could have sex pretty normally, and it got better over time. Do you have any other problems, like pain or discomfort during periods?
The connection is probably the biggest thing. Being able to relax and enjoy the moment, when those moments are few and far between do you find yourself thinking of that? Like, 'Well I wish we were doing this more often, and now I don't know when the next time will be.' Are those your kind of thoughts in the middle of it all?
Nursing can pull all kinds of tricks on your body. I nursed the first year too. Maybe once baby went on bottle and solids I had an easier time of it, I just hadn't made the connection before.
~
Is this your first baby? I firmly believe 9-18 months are the HARDEST, all the way around. Everyone talks about the terrible twos, but for me, it was that span. The demands all the way around are so daunting. Baby can walk, but isn't stable. They're into everything, they decide the house schedule, the world literally revolves around them. They still can't be left alone, but they so want some independence.
First of all, it GETS BETTER! Otherwise everyone would be only children.
Next, I think that the worst thing is finding the right mental attitude to be able to relax and have sex without being mommy or feeling like you are food etc. I still feel like that is the MOST challenging thing beyond the physical, but it really impedes on the physical. Once the baby is in for the night, try to arrange something at home that would help you unwind. Watch a movie together, whatever it is that makes you feel more connected to your hubby. Light candles... whatever it is.
The vaginal walls and everything in that area is muscle and you tore, so yes there is scar tissue and yes it will hurt. But, relaxing the muscles instead of being tense will help, so have some wine or whatever. Also, this is one of those cases that you have to have sex for it to get better, at least that is what I have experienced. Make sure you communicate things about the speed or depth of penetration with your DH so you aren't horribly in pain. But, after having it hurt before and breastfeeding (which causes your hormones to dip anyways resulting in a lack of libido), it is no wonder why you don't want to have sex. Maybe have some make-out sessions without the intercourse to make you feel more sexy, make DH feel desired and bring back some passion.
Just throwing out some ideas, because I know that the first year of our kids' lives have been rough on our marriage and mentally tough to handle, but it is so important for them and you to reconnect as a couple and sex is definately still important.
So, I've never had a baby, but I know you should def go to an OB/GYN. He/she will be able to check how the scar tissue is healing and possibly even offer some ideas for helping it heal better/faster. I know my OB/GYN also has a physical therapy branch to help women with problems like this. Lube and wine can't solve all the issues. That, I do have experience with.
And just as a note, there are times when the scar tissue heals but the pain remains for no apparent reason; it's a condition called secondary vaginismus. Here's an article I read about it - http://www.vaginismus.com/news-updates/when-sex-hurts-by-kate-cardwell.
Good luck!
Hope you are doing better now. I had the same issue. If you haven't already - have it checked out and make sure there is not tangible source of the pain. There wasn't in my case.
As for lube - make sure you use liquid not jelly. It made a world of difference for us.
But the pain was still there. The best solution is having sex, I know catch-22. So, my OB prescribed a prescription topical numbing gel. It helped me have sex a few times and after a few times, we eventually didn't need it anymore.
HTHs!
Good luck