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Update on MIL with Chronic Painkiller Use/Addiction
Several weeks ago, I posted about my MIL and her morphine use, and how I no longer trust her taking care of my son. I asked for advice about how to deal with the situation without causing a huge family rift. Anyway, I just wanted to provide an update.
My husband and I confronted her about her morphine and pot use, coffee addiction, and poor overall health habits. I let her know that she wasn't to watch our son unsupervised or drive him, and my husband expressed his concern about her health and the drug use. Nothing went over well, and since then you can cut the tension between us and his family with a knife. His Dad and Brother are upset with him because he doesn't "have to live in [MIL's] body and can't understand her pain", and everyone is upset with me because they feel that I instigated the "attack" on my MIL. Sometimes my own husband blames me for the current tension.
His Mom continues to fight with my husband every time they talk, and claims we stabbed her in the heart and have no consideration for her feelings. Um, this is coming from the woman who told me I was going to kill my baby the first night I was home with him from the hospital because he was having trouble latching, but that's a whole other story. Anyway, she permanently ruined my first memories at home with my son, and never apologized for the way she made me feel at such a vulnerable time.
I seriously feel like I'm losing my mind. I don't understand how I'm the one being made out as the unreasonable person. My MIL has been using opioid narcotics for at least the last 7-8 years, smokes copious amounts of pot, doesn't eat properly or at all, and drinks pots and pots of coffee a day. She displays all the classic signs of addiction, and has become brutally mean, lies all the time, and is just generally completely unpleasant to be around. Her driving is really scary, and my son got a goose egg on his head while in her care. (That was my final straw BTW, and what prompted my DH and I to confront her.)
Would you have all done the same thing in my position? Please tell me I'm not crazy, because I seriously need some support. This is obviously too sensitive and personal to talk to the majority of my friends/family about, which is why I'm coming here.
Re: Update on MIL with Chronic Painkiller Use/Addiction
I would have done the exact same thing. Keep telling yourself this over and over again. My child's safety and well being is more important than her feelings. Tell that to yourself every time she or one of her enablers tries to blame you for holding her accountable.
You know you are not doing this to be mean or spiteful. You are looking out for your child's best interest, which is your job as a mother.
They are enabling her; they need AlAnon...and so do you and your H.
And that your H is blaiming YOU for "the tension" is bad bad news indeed. He's only po'd because somebody had the balls to confront his mother about her addiction.
She possibly needs detox and she sure needs NarcAnon.
Why AlAnon versus NarcAnon for everyone? Just curious. I thought the latter would apply to all concerned.
And yes, I know my DH is out of line for blaming me at times, and it's ridiculously frustrating/maddening. However, I do sort of understand his frustration with the situation and know that he's just projecting on me. I'm not sticking up for his actions, but I can understand how frustrating it is to suddenly have your entire family against you. He always apologizes and acknowledges that it isn't really my fault; he knows his Mom is to blame. We're all just a confused mess.
Forgive me for not knowing your backstory. But why is your MIL supervising your child without you, why is she driving an under 2 y.o. around?
Is this about free child care? Because in the 3 years we've been blessed with my DD, I have had little to no opportunity for any grandparent to supervise or drive my child. Honestly, its been like zero and DD has stellar grandparents.
Just set-up some solid child care that doesn't involve your MIL and just let her be a grandma. Yes, it might cost you money. But really, what's the alternative?
I'm wondering if perhaps the talk with her was not handled well.
The situation, to me, calls for simple, clear statements. Something like--state that you (and by you I mean your H since he is her child) love her, want her to be a grandma, but her drug use makes you concerned. Therefore, you won't be leaving your child/ren with her alone or letting her drive them anywhere. You are concerned about her health.
End of story. So I'm wondering if some of the tension since then is due to the fact that what went down was not nearly so simple and clear, and was perhaps accusatory and heated.
AlAnon is the support group for those who love an addict. NarcAnon is for those addicted to narcotics.
Just to clarify.
Of course you aren't crazy; you absolutely did the right thing.
You can change an addict or an enabler. All you can do is focus on the things that you need to do in order to keep your children safe.
Stay strong.
Your first responsibility is to your kid; keeping him safe trumps all, of COURSE you're right w/ that.
But I read your post and I hear some desire to 'punish' her for how she reacted before...it's fine to hold that grudge (fine might not be the right word, 'allowable', I guess), but don't mix that--if you're pissed about that, then be pissed about that; don't couch it in being pissed about her other issues.
And I think I"m a touch confused. Last post, you came back and I thought you implied that she admitted she had an addiction. Now you're saying that family is defending her need for meds. What exactly is it--is it an addiction to NECESSARY painkillers or using a lot of painkillers w/o being addicted or just a run of the mill addiction or something else?
(it can be more than one of the above...but I've said before and I'll say again, the painmanagement angle makes things like this much MUCH more complicated than straight up-and-up addiction. Because I'm not an addict but when I try to explain why I NEED to carry vicoden on my person at all times, I sound like one and the more I try to explain, the more I sound like an addict. But I"m not.)
(and why is the coffee in there as an addiction? I mean, I know it's addictive but it tends to be one that doesn't impact anyone--it's legal, mostly harmless, doesn't impact family friends, etc. why do you care? It makes me wonder what this struggle is about, really)
You did the right thing. You know why people get angry and defensive when you confront them? Because they are in denial. They know that you are right but cannot admit/see it.
She may never get sober and thank you, the surrounding family might hate you forever for "stirring up trouble" but you won't have to live with the guilt of not doing anything. You did the right thing.
You intervened because you care about your child and about her. Focus on that.
I'm sorry you are having to go through this, but it will get better.
No need to apologize; I've left a lot of background out. My MIL has only watched my son on a handful of occasions, and all but one of those times was when my husband and I went out to dinner and/or a movie after the baby was in bed. The one time he hit his head, I was in the shower and she was watching him for me; nobody else was there at the time. She has never driven him anywhere, and now she never will unless she addresses her problems.
This is not about free childcare at all. My husband is a SAHD, and MIL lives about 2 hours away. These have been times when she begged to watch him for us when we were down visiting the ILs. She has also recently expressed her desire to take him on outings (e.g. the zoo, aquarium, etc.) without us, and this, coupled with a great deal of erratic behavior, is what prompted us to make these new "rules".
You're definitely right that I hold some pretty ill feelings toward my MIL about things she has done/said to me in the past. However, I'm not trying to punish her in any way for this. I just brought it up to show the irony in her moaning about her feelings when she clearly has no regard for those of others. I truly do not trust her around my son anymore, and there have been a number of little instances which have added up over the last year, none of which have anything to do with issues solely between her and I. And to be honest, we used to get along pretty well prior to this latest kerfluffle, despite some of her prior nastiness.
Also, I never implied that she admitted she has an addiction. It's quite the opposite. She is adamant that she has no problem, but every aspect of her life points to just the opposite. And really, how many addicts do you know who are quick to admit they have a problem? I believe her family is just enabling her. They're the ones who have to live with her on a daily basis, and she is a very difficult woman to be around. Believe me, it's much easier for them to keep the peace with her than be on her bad side.
And as I said in my earlier post, the painkillers are prescribed to her. Does that mean they're necessary? No, not necessarily. But that's not my call is it? What I do know is that she has dealt with chronic pain, but has been on these meds for at least 7-8 years with no other co-treatment options (e.g. physical therapy, surgery, regular exercise, healthy living, etc.). At this point, her body IS physically addicted, and her tolerance for pain has changed as she become tolerant to lower dosages of the meds. If she were to get off the morphine at this point, there's no way for her to know if the pain she'd feel is from her back issues, from her changed tolerance to pain, and/or from withdrawal. Also, surgery is not even an option until she weans herself off or substantially off these meds because the dosage required to treat her post-op pain would likely kill her. It's a great situation.
Regarding the coffee: I mentioned that because it just demonstrates her addictive tendencies and general unhealthy living. She's high on morphine and pot all day every day, and her main source of sustenance is pots and pots of coffee. She's like a walking death bomb. I care because she's this unhealthy and wants desperately to be alone with my son. To me, it matters. Would you entrust such a person with your most beloved treasure?
To be honest, I think you're missing my point here anyway. I understand your sensitivity about the painkillers, and I don't envy your situation and the pain you're in. I'm sorry you have to deal with that. My real issue is not whether she's addicted (although I believe she is), but that she's a chronic drug user and I can't trust her. It also sucks that her choices are being projected back onto me so I appear as this giant beyotch.
Well, I think it depends on what area you want advice on wheter or not I'm missing the point (or if you're missing mine
You'll get nothing but reassurances that not leaving your kid in her care is the right choice. I said that in my first line and I stand behind that--whether she's pain addled, drug addled or just irresponsible, your first priority is your kid and choosing not to leave her in charge of your kid when she's not capable of providing care is the right choice.
(As far as why I thought you said she admitted it, "it has crossed my mind that she might not be addicted like she claims"<--depending on where you put commas and emphasis determines whether that reads as she claims she's addicted or not addicted.)
But the rest of it, how to handle it, how to confront her, how to determine if she's an addict...I think we'd need WAY more info on tha to give any sort of answer. ANd it's fine not to want that answer--that's above and beyond what you may need an answer to in order to determine if she can have access to your son.
IF you want to deal w/ her addiction, IF you want to be part of the confrontation/intervention/etc, IF you want to be a part of ALL of the big picture then you need to be aware of the problems that exist when chronic pain and addiction are intertwined and confused. ANd your OPs (both of them) implied that you wanted to be part of that...but if you don't want to be, that's fine, you don't have to be in order to determine what to do re: not letting her care for your son.
I find, in general, that people know precious little about it. ANd yes, it's a soapbox issue of mine--and it needs more attention in general than it gets.
(and I do still find coffee to be nitpicking. I don't think needing a cuppa is indicitive of an addictive personality. It may be part of the bigger picture as far as food/nourishment but how it's presented here it's still nitpickky.
, beyond that, I assure you that you don't look like gian't biotch. The fact taht you have other relationship issues w/ her projects back but, eh, who doesn't have someone they have relationship issues w/?)
(of course, I do also need to point out the irony of "And really, how many addicts do you know who are quick to admit they have a problem?"--how many non-addicts do you know who are quick to cop to a problem that they don't have either? :-)
You might find that an 'adult children of alcoholics' meeting might help your DH more than al-anon. (yes, it's about alcohol not drugs but often these people know other local resources and might be a good place to start w/ dealing w/ how addiction affects the family.)
(and this site is biased...but might be helpfuL:
http://www.nationalpainfoundation.org/articles/133/addiction:-tolerance-&-dependence