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MIL=out of control.
While there is a lot of backstory here, I'm going to try to keep this as brief as possible. I've been married to my DH for 2 and a half months, and we dated for about 1 1/2 years before that. His father died 3 years ago, leaving his 63-year-old mother alone. His parents had a very rocky relationship, and didn't share a bed for the majority of his life. She has always been EXTREMELY, creepily clingy in regards to DH, and he has always hated it. She is also a hoarder, and has been for about 15 years, and refuses to acknowledge there is a problem.
My problem is this: Since our engagement in June of 2009, she has been acting more and more unstable (in the mental sense); since our marriage, it has become really disturbing. Her actions no longer make logical sense, and she has no perception of how they affect other people negatively. She spends nearly all her freetime with DH's high school girlfriend and her son, refuses to face her hoarding addiction, guilts DH constantly for not spending more time with her, even though we see her as much as we can (she lives an hour away, and we see her at least once a month). The things she gives me as gifts are just bizarre, and frankly, hurtful- e.g., her old lingerie/underwear, used shampoo/razors that are decades old, stained and falling apart old dresses of hers from the 80's that aren't even fit to donate to Goodwill. I don't how to react to her anymore. Whenever DH tries to explain that what she's doing doesn't make sense/ is hurtful/illogical, she argues with him/us until we get tired of arguing and give up. Visiting with her is awful because it turns into hours of what we've failed to do correctly, how we're abandoning her, or talking about his high school girlfriend's baby (btw, they only dated for 3 months, it was 5 years ago, and it was a really unhealthy relationship, due largely to her bipolar disorder. They aren't on speaking terms).
We're moving to Chicago from Atlanta in 6-8 weeks, and I'm worried about what she will do once we leave, let alone once kids come into the picture. Advice? Thoughts? Consolation? Anything, please.
Re: MIL=out of control.
Your problem will be pretty well-resolved once you move to Chicago.
She sounds like she has a mental illness, or is borderline. You should feel sorry for her more than anything. She gives you weird gifts? Thank her graciously and discreetly discard the item later. She spends time with the old HS girlfriend? Who cares? She sounds lonely, and if this girlfriend is a friend to her, you should be thankful for that.
In terms of talking about abandoning her and the things you do wrong, just shrug it off and say "we're fine with the way we're doing things" or "you're entitled to your opinion" or "sorry you feel that way."
First of all, if your MIL is a hoarder and mentally ill, PLEASE do not take things she does personally. She sees her junk as "treasures," and giving them to you is actually like giving a part of herself to you. Stange, I know, but do not expect "normal" behavior from her and do not be hurt when she doesn't act like a normal person!
If your DH is close to her, he should take her to see a physician and a mental health specialist before you leave. She is sick, perhaps mentally ill or perhaps with dementia. She might not be willing to go, but you can try.
Is there any chance she can be placed in a home? I would check out government services that can help her before you leave. Even if she doesn't qualify (or doesn't want) to be placed in assisted living, there are sometimes services where a state/county/city worker brings meals, checks in on her, do light handyman work, takes her to doctors visits. Some even do light housekeeping - but I'm not sure they would take care of her home if it is disgusting with hoarding.
And instead of being hurt that she spends time with ex-gf (you didn't say that you were), maybe you and DH can ask her to report to you if there are any problems with MIL if she gets worse.
Wow, that's quite a lot to deal with. My first thought is this woman is obviously unstable and needs help. No conversation you have will make her see how unstable she is. This is something she needs to work on with a therapist.
When you move away, will there be anyone to look in on her? Is her home livable with the hoarding? I have some experience with an elderly IL and hoarding, and we needed state intervention to get her temporarily out of the house to make it livable.
If she keeps acting like a jerk when you go to visit her, then STOP visiting her. Your husband needs to say, "Mom, until you treat us the right way, we can't see you." And then follow through with it.
Is your husband the father of the ex-girlfriend's baby? If not, then what the ex does is none of your business. If she chooses to hang around your MIL, stay out of it (unless she is putting MIL in danger).
I would talk to her doctor if you feel that she has a mental illness. The doctor might also be able to steer you toward resources in your community (Office on Aging, or maybe a department of mental health) that can help you decide what to do. If they evaluate her and she does indeed have a mental illness, then they should also be able to give you information on assisted living facilities.
If they say that she can only be hospitalized/evaluated/whatever of her own accord, however ... then there's really nothing you can do, because clearly she is not listening when your husband tells her that she has a problem. I know it's sad and frustrating, but in this case you just have to let her live with the consequences of her actions. Continuing to visit her and have her yell at you, or repeatedly insisting that she get help and her ignoring it, is not beneficial to the sanity or marriage of you and your husband. You can't put your own happiness in jeopardy because she wants to act a certain way. You're just going to continue to get frustrated and it's going to take its toll on both of you, while meanwhile she just continues this self-destructive lifestyle.
At some point, you just have to let her live her life however she sees fit, even if you don't like it. I very much doubt she's doing to die when you guys move away. If she continues to live in filth, whine about how alone she is, etc. ... well, then, so be it. SHE has the power to change. You can't make her.
You can't reason w/ crazy.
You've got to take a step back from this. You're expecting normal responses and behaviors from someone who obviously is not normal. As a PP said - she's giving you stuff that to her is probably a treasure. It's nothing for you to be hurt over.
I think you and your DH need to think bigger picture. As also said, it might actually be good that she does have a 'friend', even if it's his ex. This is someone who he could at least ask "please let me know if she gets worse", or what have you. And if he doesnt' want to do this, he actually does need to think about "whose going to keep an eye on her".
while it's hard to take a step back, it is necessary. This is on a much lesser note, but my MIL has some issues. On many levels she drives me bonkers, but at the same time, I also nkow how she is and I expect it and I don't get upset about some stuff. My baby shower- I knew she wouldn't come. I just knew it. And at the last minute, she didn't come. So many of my friends were horrified. "your MIL didn't come?!?! I can't believe that!". But I knew it would happen, and when it did, it simply didn't upset me. I expected it and I just rolled with it.
On some of these issues, you have to start doing this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I wonder how you can get someone on that "Hoarders" show...I think it's on A&E....
But seriously, she may need to be evaluated as to whether she is fit to live alone and if not, they will involuntarily remove her from the home and commit her for treatment. I guess it depends on how bad it really is and her true mental capacity.
As for the HS girlfriend....who cares? YOU shouldn't. Your MIL is obviously a lil' off her rocker and if this chick wants to hang out with her, then so be it.
I personally would be counting the days until the move to Chicago. Does your hubby have any siblings or other family that is willing to get into this problem?
GL to you. Sounds like you are gonna need it!