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Confession
OK, I didn't see Wednesday's CW, but this didn't seem to get better last time until I got it off my chest.
Most of you know that last year was pretty rough for DH and I. Loooong story short, he fell off the wagon after about 5 years of sobriety after being prescribed Xanax for depression. (There is a legitimate corrolation between Xanax and relapse; it seems the medication hits the same receptors in the brain as alcohol. In fact, those suffering xanax withdrawls are often told to have a beer to calm symptoms!)
After a few months of bald-faced lying about his relapse, DH owned it. Slowly but surely, he quit drinking and weaned himself off the xanax and another medication. What he found works well (and I agree, though I don't really like it), and has no side-effects, is cannibas. He has a medical prescription and everything is above-board there.
Since he quit the pills and drinking, he doesn't sneak around anymore; there aren't any more unexplained absences from home/work; and no mystery charges on his debit card. He's up front about everything, even if he suspects I won't like it very much.
So what's the problem? I still think he's drinking.
But it's literally all in my head. He never acts drunk, smells like alcohol or has the money missing from his account that means he's buying booze on the sly. There aren't any bottles (believe me, I've checked the hiding places even though I know I'm not supposed to) or evidence of use. And an alcoholic can't simply take a drink or two and stop ... he'd ALWAYS smell like a bar. Or slur his words. Or act wasted. None of which are happening.
The truth is that regaining trust is hard to do. And my suspicions seem to rear their ugly head at times of high stress, like right before we moved to WA, and most recently, when we moved into our new house (and DSS was visiting, and my MIL was up). There was about a month there, though, when I was not suspicious and it was WONDERFUL.
So now I'm pretty much making myself miserable, and making a point not to say anything to DH about it. I think he knows (I can tell if he's been drinking by looking at his eyes, and he's definitely noticed me doing that a lot more lately), but he hasn't said anything.
I've come to the conclusion today that I can't really solve this by myself, and I should talk to him (letting him know that this is all in my head, but that it's why I'm a moody b!tch lately).
So that's my story. It sucks, and there's nothing I can do to make things better except talk about it and keep wading through the muck until time heals. And there's SO many great things happening in my life right now that it's SUPER hard to just be miserable.
Anywho, as always, thanks for your support. It's great to have a place to just let it all out!
Re: Confession
I think you're focusing on the wrong problem. I think the problem is not whether he's drinking or not, but that your trust has been broken and it's not back yet. So, fixing that is the issue at hand.
This is not by any means your problem alone or on your head to fix. He broke your trust and the two of you need to find a way to rebuild it. I assume you've thought about counseling and like Mrs.B up there, said, Al anon. (Just curious, does he go to AA?)
I really hope he (or you) doesn't react with a "well, you just have to trust me," because this problem is not all your fault. He's the one who started drinking again. I'd tell you to stay strong, but I know you will. Good luck.
ETA: I shouldn't say focusing on the wrong problem, that sounds too harsh, because clearly you do know your trust is an issue here.
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as usual, passine makes an excellent point. and yep, it sounds like you're gonna have to talk to him. as the clam in my own marriage, i know how hard that can be. i also know you can do it. (((hugs)))
I don't have advice either, just glad that you can let things out here- and hopefully you'll be able to come up with a solution for rebuilding the trust that has been lost.
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Haley Beth ~ March 3rd, 2011
Thanks, guys. That helps a lot!
I talked to him last night, and he's always very receptive when it comes to this problem. There's not a lot for him to say, but he listens, reassures me (which is difficult to do when, "I'm not doing A or B" doesn't really mean a whole lot!) and is very open.
I haven't been to Al-Anon in awhile, but am definitely thinking about going back. Counseling is probably a good idea to restart, too. So lots of stuff in the works, and a ton of support at home. It's just going to take time, I think.
Passanie nailed it.
I think, aside from time, it might help for you to have a regular source of reassurance and an outlet to communicate your feelings. If counseling doesn't appeal to you, maybe even just talking to another wife who has gone through it would help. I'm sure the "paranoid" feeling is extremely common. I, too, hope your husband is sympathetic to your feelings.
Big hugs to you! You have been so great through it all and I hope you find a way to accelerate the rebuilding of trust.
Women don't want to hear what men think,
women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice