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Family Loyalty Dilemma
First off, I want to start by saying how lucky I am to adore my fiance`'s family. I love them all, and as an only child, I can't wait to get married and have two great BILs and possibly future SILs too.
My dilemma comes from the fact that one of my future BILs is having issues with his girlfriend. They've been together for almost 5 years, and I was excited to have her as a SIL one day. Now I am worried they may break up. I feel kind of in the middle, as my future BIL has been spending nights at our apartment while they sort things out. I met with his girlfriend the other night to get her side, and honestly I feel like there are things they both do that are causing the problems. There is no doubt that he will be devastated if they break up. I think more so than her.
My question is, can I possibly stay neutral if they break up? I really bonded with her, and will miss her so much, but HE is the one that will be my family (and I feel like he already is).
Is it better for me to cut ties with her if they break up? The LAST thing I want to do is show any type of disloyalty to my fiance` and his amazing family.
Re: Family Loyalty Dilemma
BFP 8.9.12 EDD 4.15.12 M/C 8.19.12
BFP 10.11.12 EDD 6.24.12 M/C 10.19.12
Why is this?
I lurk here sometimes, but I wanted to reply.
Since I married my H my BIL has had a few girls come in and out of his life. His XGF tried very, very hard to be close with me, and I was always polite and nice, but I knew I had to set boundaries and keep some distance between us. BIL is my family and will be in my life forever, not his GF's, until he meets the one he wants to marry. I am always very cautious with getting to close to his GF's, as situations like the one you described do arise, and the relationship may end. Since my BIL did break up with this girl, I have cut her out of my life. I think this was appropriate as he has moved on with someone else and she is great. Some of my H?s family still speaks with my BIL?s ex and it makes it very awkward for his new GF.
You shouldn't have put yourself in the middle of their issues. I know you were trying to help them, but it really is none of your business. You shouldn't give either of them advice on whether to stay together or not, that is a decision the two of them need to come to without your influence. If they are meant to be, then they will be, if not then they need to go their own separate ways.
As far as being friends with her if they break up, I would definitely ask your BIL how he feels about this and assure him that you do not have intentions of bringing her around the family or him if you do decide to be friends with her. Although your BIL's GF is a nice girl, if they do break up you know your BIL will eventually meet someone else and then that may be awkward for you and his new GF since you are friends with his Ex.
HTH
If you became friends with this woman since/because of your BIL then I wouldn't be surprised if your friendship ended when they broke up. It's pretty common. You may call her a time or two in a nice/conserned way but no one expects you to continue when so many people are hurt and need room to recover.
This. If they do break up, once it happens she'll go her own separate way from your DH's family. Even if you do have occasional contact at first, she'll most likely be back to hanging with her own friends and family, and it'll be "out of sight, out of mind."
Yes, they are your family now. But his brothers are not your brothers. Their future wives will not be your sisters. And the more desperate you are to force these kinds of relationships, the more you're going to find yourself in these kinds of situations. And the more you'll probably be disappointed.
Marrying into a family doesn't instantly make you close to people. You all are still individuals who need to feel each other out and see what you have in common and if you really "like" each other or not.
Back off. Let the relationships take their own natural course.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I just wanted to point out- let's say they do break up. I think it's easy to romanticize the notion of "staying together"- but there's a big, big, big difference between people staying together in a relationship that works and makes them both happy and people staying together in a relationship that is not working out easily or well and makes one or both of them unhappy. If they break up, I wouldn't think of it as "now I'm going to miss sharing happy family moments and special bonding memories with this great couple." I would think you're most likely going to miss out on having them squabble about stuff you think is avoidable and causing problems for each other and seeing two people you care about make each other unhappy. And while seeing two people you care about break up isn't fun, seeing two people you care about continue to make each other unhappy is much, much less fun.
So- I would stay far away from this. Don't try to get either person's "side", don't try to advise, don't try to fix it, don't try to make it work out for them. They are the guardians of their own happiness, and they know better than anyone if they are the right match for each other. The best and happiest solution for everyone isn't necessarily the one you think is possible "if they could only... (whatever)"- the best and happiest solution is going to be the one they work out for themselves.
I am still friendly with both of BILs ex-wives. BIL was on wife#2 when I met him (now he has a long-term gf and no plans to marry). I got to know wife#1 through family gatherings (she is the mom to dh's niece / nephew).
I'm glad to be friends with these women, but I do have to remember that BIL is DH's brother. He will always come first - even though he was not that great a husband, he is the one that is family. I don't bad-mouth him or listen to the ex-Ws bad-mouth him (except listening to funny stories, such as the comment "he's so cheap" and a funny story that follows, but not a malicious story). I ALWAYS say that I like his current gf, that she has always been nice to me and my children.
If I were you, I would not listen to GF or give her advice on how to improve her relationship or end it. You say you don't want to be in the middle, but you just stuck yourself in there big-time.
It will bite you in the a$$ when BIL moves onto another girl and you feel "torn" about your loyalties, have ex-gf asking you questions, have BIL not trusting you to keep your mouth shut....etc.
Thanks everyone for the responses.
Definitely lots of food for thought. I just wanted to clarify a thing or two (for anyone who is interested).
There is no question in my head that I will be loyal to my BIL. As I said, I do feel very close to him and his family. I was just wondering if it was ok in the event that they DO break up to keep in contact with her. You're all right...it isn't my place to tell them what to do. I just want what's best for both of them. It was especially good to hear from those of you who are in similar situations, and hear how you've handled it. Thanks again for the comments.
For the one woman who thinks I am "TOO DESPERATE" to have siblings...I don't think that saying something nice about my fiance`s family is something desperate. I feel lucky that I don't have future in laws that drive me nuts, but actually, I'm pretty OK with being an only child. Sorry if you don't have such a great relationship with your in laws? Take it from me...it's pretty rad
IMO, not only can you stay neutral, but you need to stay neutral in this situation. I don`t think that there is anything wrong with staying friends with the GF, however, if you are going to remain friends then you need to talk to both parties and let them know that they are both a part of your life and you want to keep it that way. In order to keep it that way, they both need to know that you will not be caught in the middle and you do not feel comfortable in having either of them bad mouth the other, or discuss their problems, with you.
It is important to also remember that they may make up and who knows, maybe even get married one day. If you `pick a side` and they get back together, you may be setting it up for animosity between you and the other side in the future.
I've seen a TON of posts like this - women who don't have siblings or a close relationship w/ their own mom, or.... something else they feel is missing. Then they look to their DH's siblings or mom to fill that role in their lives and get upset when it doesn't happen.
You say that's not you? Ok. Fine. I don't know you from Adam. But still, I say be careful of your expectations. It wasn't that you said something nice. It was HOW you said it.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Stay out of it! Dont try to help them. Presumably, they are grown adults who can make their own relationship choices.
To brother say "I really like Sally, but obviously I want you to be happy." (do NOT follow up with "and if Sally doesn't make you happy find someone who will.")
To Sally say "I really love brother, but I can't talk about your relationship. It's not my place."