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am i over reacting??
First, I must preface this with food is one of the highest things on my priority list. Especially dessert. And cake is my very favorite dessert.
Okay, so DH knows he should do something to make my birthday special. He didn't know this at first, but he is learning. So... every year for the last few years, he tries. Sort of. He always gets me the dessert he likes the best...even though I have told him numerous times that he's supposed to get my favorite on my birthday. This annoys me. I don't prefer chocolate cake so much. And I don't like chocolate ice cream so much either. But that's what I usually get instead of my preference. He thinks I should appreciate what I get...because it's the thought that counts and it's not like I won't eat it.
Okay, so today, DH took the day off to celebrate my birthday. He says we can go out to eat wherever I want in the Portland area. This makes me very happy. I love to eat and I can't stop thinking of my choices. Well, we're at Whole Foods and he decides he *really* wants to eat there. Now, I'm happy about the food selection, but I wasn't excited about how busy it was, nor the ambiance. But whatever, I have some ideas of what I'm interested in trying, so that sounds good. I volunteer to stay with the baby and save the table while he and my brother go pick their choices. I told them I'd go get my preference when they returned. Well, DH comes back with something that he thought I'd like. A burrito. I do like burritos, but that was not even remotely close to the things I was dying to try. I was annoyed he picked out my meal for me because I wanted to pick my own treat. He thought he was being thoughtful with picking up something for me so I could just relax. I know I could have gone and picked out something else, but I couldn't justify buying more food when there was a burrito sitting in front of me. My own birthday lunch ended up being at DH's choice of venue and choice of meal. Not my idea of a birthday lunch.
Now, DH is not controlling or anything in the least. He's as equally as excited about food as I am. But he just thinks that his preferences are top notch and they're so good that how could they not be my top choice?!
Was I over reacting by being annoyed?
Re: am i over reacting??
In my "I just woke up from falling asleep in the recliner" haze, it actually sounds kind of sweet. To me, it sounds like he really was trying. I understand not wanting to order more food, but I would have just said to him that it's not what I wanted and wrapped it up for later. Then gone back and ordered what I really wanted.
He sounds like a guy that has all good intentions; he may just not know exactly how to convey them....maybe?
This exactly. And he's definitely not observant enough to notice my preferences, nor does he listen or remember if I tell him. I just get frustrated that I look forward to having a day with all my preferences, as he promises...and it always ends up not having an iota of me. It's like looking forward to santa all year long and then waking up Christmas morning to discover he skipped my house. Disappointing. We're not fighting about this or anything...but it just is an area where we don't see eye to eye. I guess it's a man/woman thing.
LOL I don't know if it's a man/woman thing, for me anyways, because your DH sounds like me. I would try to get my dh something and probably come back with the wrong thing in the situation, just like your dh did.
When it comes to things like our bdays or holidays I've gotten past trying to assume we will surprise each other and just know what the other is thinking or wanting. Yes, we'll still get stuff sometimes for gifts for the other (for example, I'm working on something for my dh for our anniversary that he has no idea about), but I'm not upset if he doesn't know what I'm thinking and get me the perfect gift/dessert/meal, etc. for my bday/anniversary, etc. We're two different people and its just not possible for us to always know what the other wants all the time, unless we tell each other.
For our birthdays for example, we pretty much each plan out our own day. We each pick out our own restaurant/dessert and even gifts. We each get a certain amount for our bday and select either to have the other person buy a gift or just spend part of the day shopping for our own gift (Neither of us ever selects to have the other person pick it out. LOL). This works well for us because then the bday boy/girl can have everything they want for diner/dessert/gift/activities, etc and spend the rest of the day having fun together and enjoying each others company. It takes a lot of the pressure off trying to worry about guessing what the other person wants.
My sister, Hillary, and her boyfriend could be twins with you and YH! Her boyfriend's intentions are good but he gets so excited about things that he gets carried away and forgets to think about her preferences. I could totally see him in Whole Foods thinking "Whole Foods is good! And we're here. It'll be relaxing AND I can BRING Hillary her food. Those burritos look good. I LOVE burritos! Who doesn't love burritos?!" Then all of a sudden a burrito ends up on the table and you have no idea where it came from. The intention is always good and sweet but I can see how it would get a little annoying after awhile. I like pp idea of mapping things out ahead of time. That may be the best way to ensure that your preferences are met!
I wouldn't be annoyed... I'd be down right ticked off. And I wouldn't be quiet about it!
Of course, I also wouldn't have been quiet in the first place about staying at Whole Foods if that's not where I wanted to go. I would have said, "Look hon, get something to go for tomorrow or later if you must, but it's my birthday, I don't want to eat here, and you said I could choose. I want to go to XXX, hurry up and let's go. I'm hungry." There would have been no burrito showing up magically at my plate, thank you very much!
DH has tried here and there to do the right thing on my b-day, although lately we don't really do ANYTHING, let alone buy gifts or go out. Since I'm the cook, for his b-day I ask what he wants to eat, and if he tells me nothing, I offer a suggestion and let him say yes or no. Too many no's and I just make something up on my own. For my birthday, we either get take-out that I like or my gift is he watches James with no complaints for however long it takes me to make whatever I want for dinner- even if that dinner is a fine risotto and scallops or Doritos and hot dogs. One year he tried to make me cupcakes and it apparently didn't go veyr smoothly and I think I ended up having to help make and apply the frosting since he was behind and clueless. (The next year I made my own Italian rum cake for myself.) At Christmas he never gets me candy for my stocking, so this year I spelled out that I wanted some and examples of things I preferred. Lo and behold, I got stuff I liked.
If I were in your shoes, next year I'd take charge and be very vocal and adament about what I wanted/ expected. Not bitchy or anything- just direct. OR... if that isn't your thing... then I think you'd be best to lower your expectations and focus on seeing his good intentions, which can be satisfying in its own way. Not as satisfying as the perfect dessert that I love, in my opinion, but satisfying on some level!
Editted to add: DH says that the part about me making dinner for myself paints him as a complainer, which I don't think it does, but I will correct (for him, because I'm feeling nice) to say he and I complain the same amount. Also, while he may have hit a few snags along the birthday trail, he's good about knowing my likes/ dislikes or asking me for input, and then actually using those as guidelines. He was laughing as I read your post, because he knew darn well your hubby was screwing up repeatedly. He also nodded in agreement when I read my part about not not getting my way- he knows me too well to know I'd whine until I got my way.
I'm kind of with Erika on this one. I mean, for the first year or two-- especially while dating-- I could see how a guy doesn't quite get/hear what you want for your birthday. But after the second birthday, I would think he could get his act together and listen to what you want. I mean, for Pete's sake, if you can't choose your birthday meal/location, then how is it your birthday???
I'm really lucky, I guess. MH doesn't always give me romantic gifts (this year, I got the first season of Glee and three PS3 games for Christmas), but they're always gifts I like and things I wanted. When we first started dating, he'd come home with these kitschy/frumpy things that he *thought* I'd like, but then he he learned what my style is and has done really well since then-- he has really great taste in jewelry, for example (who'd have thunk it? The man constantly asks me what colours "go" with khaki!).
Next time this happens, I would simply pre-empt DH and say something like "for my birthday this year, I'd like to go to Place X. What time works for you?" Then he doesn't really have a choice other than the time.
I think it's important that he listens and actually hears-- despite his good intentions. I mean, if you were his friend and not his wife, and you heard he had done this for his wife, wouldn't you feel like it was your duty to tell him he had messed up? Again? He wants to be a better/good husband, I'm sure. Sounds like he just needs a little reminding on how easy it can be! LOL
Thanks for the suggestions, ladies. I usually say "We could XYZ". Now I'm going to say "We're going to XYZ".
He often does hear my suggestions, but then thinks that his idea is waaay better. He thinks "I know she likes white cake, but if she saw *this* chocolate cake, she surely would change her mind. So I'll just get her the one that looks the best." Or "These burritos look sooo good, I'm sure she wouldn't want anything else".
Oh, I left this out of the original post. I found a bouquet of flowers I loved TJs that I was going to buy. He said I couldn't because he was going to get me flowers for my birthday. Well...could he just get me these? He says no, because it's not my birthday yet and the surprise would be ruined. I hate surprises and I loved that bouquet. I didn't get it...but just gave up and bought myself some chips and salsa.
I would have said " I don't want to eat here at WF, I would rather go to X for my birthday" Did you protest at all when he suggested eating at WF, or just go along with it? If you just went along with it, then no you really can't say anything with being annoyed.
I would tell your DH that you'd like a do over of your birthday lunch, with your choices, while he was trying, he really wasn't b/c he wasn't listening to you. don't eat the chocolate cake if you don't like it, if you keep accepting it then he will keep doing it.
I treat bdays like "My day" DH has learned that after 8 years of being together and when it's his bday he gets to choose what we do and where it is.
Yep would be angry and would end up making a stink about it.
I think men hide behind the "good intentions" a lot when you have made it very clear that something that would be special or make me happy would be XYZ. If you know XYZ makes me happy, but you prefer ABC, go with XYZ PERIOD.
In fairness, if the roles were flipped and I did what I thought was best for DH he would instantly let me know that is not what he wanted. Last night was DH's b-day and he asked me what I wanted for dinner, so forgetting (haha) I was like uhm, this or that. He said, well I feel like THIS for my birthday dinner. Very clearly giving me the reminder that its his choice. Then he continued to ask what I wanted "since I'm pregnant" but I'm smart enough to know - Whatever you want dear, its your birthday. So, its not a hard lesson to learn.
Honestly, the older we get and once kids are in the picture, there are few and far between times when we get what we need. So take advantage of when you have the right to have it.
This.
And do we share a birthday? Mine was Friday the 7th!
Mine is tomorrow. Only I work tomorrow so we celebrated over the weekend.