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my mom is a hoarder
I am a lurker here and I love reading the posts.. J
I wanted to post here about my issue because I cannot really complain IRL because I don?t want people to know.
So the story begins?She is moving out some of her ?JUNK? and needs some help. When I visit my mom I try and not say anything about the bags full of new stuff or about the clutter because it is not my place. So my hubby and I show up on Friday morning to clean out her junk for her and go to dinner later that night.. When we get there you are not able to navigate through the living room because of all the ?JUNK? bags on bags of new stuff old stuff and ?JUNK?.. her Christmas tree is still up and I suggest we clear out the Christmas d?cor and work from there.. Just imagine CHRISTMAS stuff on top of ?JUNK?? 9 hours later and 8 boxes of Christmas stuff and I am tired. I managed to get her to let go of some old broken Christmas ?JUNK? that is not pretty anymore.. SHE starts to cry.. now I understand the attachment but COME ON? Saturday morning we start with the regular stuff.. it is CRAZY.. boxes and boxes.. I found magazines from 2000 in several boxes.. not 1 mag but 10 years worth of mags.. she said she wanted to do the crossword puzzles and still wanted to pull them out? The whole time I am remaining calm and not wanting to start a fight.. I REALLY WANT TO HELP HER. I came across more Christmas d?cor in boxes.. I asked.. (very nicely) can we throw this box out since you didn?t use it or miss not using it this year.. She said ?YOU JUST DON?T LIKE CHRISTMAS? and started to cry.. I just don?t know how to help her.. No one would know the chaos going on in that house.
Thanks for listening I just wanted to complain J
Re: my mom is a hoarder
I think she needs professional help, a psychologist or counselor that would go to your mom's house and work with her. The best thing you could do is be supportive of the process.
And just remember, you can't make her change...she has to be committed to changing.
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BFP: 6.13.11 - EDD: 2.20.12 - Natural M/C: 6.22.11 at 5 weeks 3 days
This, she needs to be ready for help. I'm very sorry you are going through this, our good friend's mother is a hoarder and it has most certainly put a strain on their relationship.
If you didn't expect tears and her to be upset with you, then you need to watch a couple episodes of Hoarders. My grandma cried when I tossed a bowl of moldy pecans out of her fridge - and I didn't even trash them, I put them out for the birds (or maybe the ants because I doubt birds would eat them).
If she's really a hoarder - and it sounds like she is - It is a mental illness. It's not just being messy. She needs therapy.
If she didn't ask for your help, but you 'offered" and she said, "OK", then this isn't on her terms; in fact, she may have felt that your frustration (which she doesn't want to be the cause of) left her no option than to say "OK".
Here's a clue: The word "JUNK" is a value term. It is NOT Junk to her, and when you speak about it that way, either her to her face or behind her back, there is an underlying theme that you're not really in her corner here, and you don't see things the same way she does.
(a) your mom needs professional help and (b) she needs to WANT help, and it be on her terms and her idea in order for this to happen. Ever. It may never be resolved in her lifetime, I'm sorry to say.
I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. Both my grandmothers, one still living, the other now deceased, have/had hoarding disorders. As a family member, there is only so much you can do unless she wants to get help. I agree with what others have posted, it is a mental illness. I know you think you can fix it by cleaning up her mess, but really, you can't. It's actually likely to strain your relationship further.
My suggestion would be to give this some time, then later mention that you are concerned for her well-being, and try to find out if she would be open to some therapy. Do not to criticize her behavior. A lot of people who hoard seem to be feeling lonely and find "relationships" with their "stuff" easier than relationship with other people. The embarassment of their condition tends to create even further distance from loved ones. So focus on your relationship with your mom, and encourage her to develop other friendships, etc.
The gift of your time can be the most valuable thing. Are their activities you can do together outside of the house (not shopping, obviously)? Talk to your mom about happy memories and good times you've had together. I get the impression that many hoarders hold onto items because they are afraid of losing or forgetting their past. I wish you lots of luck and patience.
Almost every year we get my parents a dumpster to help control the clutter. It's nuts. Every year it's the same thing..battles over getting rid of trash that they want to keep. They always are excited for the dumpster and make a big 'to do' about getting ready for it but every year they fight on things and bring up one thing that my sister's husband put in the 1st year (that I got blamed for).
I've finally realized w/o them willing to get professional help it won't get better. So we just get the dumpster every year and hope it makes a dent for a month or two.
One thing that has helped my parents get rid of things is if I 'know someone who can use it'. She is okay about doing Goodwill donations but it takes forever so I make up a person looking for an item that really can't afford it. And then I Goodwill it.
Anyway, just know that I understand the frustration and hurt this can cause and feel for you.
MrsJM I really feel for you. My mom is a hoarder too, has been since I was a kid.
May I suggest this support group? It is full of people who know exactly what you are going through, with lots of advice and commiseration.
http://www.childrenofhoarders.com
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/childrenofhoarders/
Over the years with my mom, I have found that there is just no helping her. She refuses to admit she has a problem and refuses to seek professional help. I can't save her from herself.
I got tired of cleaning up after her messes and I don't do it anymore. I've sacrificed enough of my time and energy over her problem. We meet up elsewhere when we get together. If she ever decides to get professional help, I will be happy to support her, but until then there is nothing I can do.
I only recently discovered that support group. Through them I've learned that I can make an anonymous call to Adult Protective Services. This might be the best thing I can do for her, but I am going to need to work myself up to it.
Good luck, and *hugs*! Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk.