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It could get ugly...(LONG)
Keith and I had agreed to try to reach an agreement re: the divorce and custody/child support outside of the courts. Neither one of us has the funds/resources to pay for an attorney, especially not how much it would cost should the divorce go all the way through the courts (if we couldn't settle in meditation).
I have most of the divorce papers drafted (I actually had to do this as a project for my Family Law class to get my Paralegal degree) but I had some issues when it came to custody/child support. I have no problem with agreeing to an amount for child support and having it court enforced, rather than having the courts determining the dollar amount. Apparently Keith had an issue with paying $100/month more than he's paying right now, which is only 1/2 of day care costs (that's the amount I proposed, which is way less than the state "calcuators" came up with). Also, I had in the paper that Keith have every other weekend visitation...overnight from Friday 5pm-Sunday at 5pm. Seeing how this is the arrangement we've had since we separated and Keith has only taken advantage of his parenting time MAYBE 3-4 weekends since we split, I thought this was fair.
Apparently not. Keith says he won't accept anything less than 50/50 custody and as a result, he won't have to pay child support. Here are my issues. Brody is only 12 months old. The courts won't even consider overnight visitation until 18 months (unless the parties agree otherwise) and it's not in his best interest. I have a flexible and predictable work schedule...8am-4:30pm M-F. Keith's work schedule varies a LOT. He often works early mornings, late nights and weekends. It's just depends on when the jobs come in. For example, I was trying to get B back on a schedule this weekend after the holiday and Keith couldn't do it because he had a big job to do. Who's to say that won't happen once we get custody worked out?! It's not fair to B to be shipped back and forth all the time.
I guess I'm just worried. I know I have a stronger case for being the primary custodial parent. I have set work hours, flexible hours (I can take a sick day if B is sick, I can work from home if daycare is closed, etc). I provide health insurance for B, I've been at my job for 4 years vs. Keith being "self employed"....
*sigh* I'm just stressed. I figured Keith would be ok with the current parenting plan we had worked out. I guess now that it would be "official" he's pushing for it being 50/50.
I'm scared. I can't be away from B that often. I know that Keith wouldn't be with B the entire time he "had" him...his work schedule doesn't allow for it, and I worry that B would be staying with MIL, SIL or someone else and getting his whole schedule distrupted. Brody is only 12 months old and needs stability and structure. I can't afford an attorney but I make too much to get legal aid. I guess I'll be taking out a loan to get an attorney, because I need all the resources possible to ensure Brody is taken care of.
Thanks for listening...any T&P you could snd my way would be greatly appreciated!
Re: It could get ugly...(LONG)
((HUGS))) I am so sorry Amanda.. I hope it gets better for you. I am always hear to listen to you.
When I got my divorce we were in no way could each afford an attorney. So we met and agreed on custody and child support. But we share 50/50 custody. And I regret it to this day. That we did it that way. I was trying to be nice and give my ex a chance. I am lucky if he sees the kids one weekend a month and has not paid child support in 4 months
I won't lie. I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face while Brody is sleeping upstairs in his crib, so peacefully, unaware of anything that's going on. No child should, ever, EVER have to go through this and it breaks my heart that Brody will be coming from a broken home.
I know that Keith and I both love Brody very, very much. And that someday (a long time from now) we'll probably both be in other long-term relationships where our "other half" will love and care for Brody as much as Keith and I do. I know that someday B will have four "parents" that love him to pieces...it just kills me that in the mean time, he'll have to go through all of this.
I just want what is best for Brody that this young, impressionable age. I hope that Keith can see that too. Otherwise, I'm willing to empty my savings accounts, go into debt and sell my left leg to hire the best attorneys to ensure that Brody's best intersts are looked out for.
I appreciate all the prayers I know Brody and I have been in the past few months...if you could spare a few more, I would really appreciate that....
This pisses me off. I hate to say this, I don't mean to imply that K doesn't love B as much as you do, but I get the feeling he wants 50/50 just so he wouldn't have to pay child support.
My only thoughts are this: a lawyer might help b/c then the courts decide and then they are the "bad guys," not you.
What about suggesting that you 2 do a trial of 50/50 now and see how it goes? Let him see what it is really like to have a kid 24/7 by himself, at least in 3-4 days chunks. My only fear here is that if he did get 50/50 legally, poor B would be passed off to MIL or whomever is available. Or could it be in the custody agreement that he could only be babysat by X persons, and other rules to your liking?
In light of what Wendy said, having 50/50 but her still getting the kids more than 50%- do not let that happen. If anything, could the custody decision (by the courts) be legally revisited after say a year or something? Not sure how it works to reassess or change custody plans after they have been made.
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Sorry Amanda. You're going to have to get some legal help on this one. Also (at least in Maine) 50/50 doesn't automatically mean no child support. Also, the courts will easily see who is the custodial parent.
I don't think you have anything to worry about (although he may get more than every other weekend). But fight for it - it's not fair for you not to have any weekends with Brody as that's much more quality time than nights after work.
I honestly think you should take it through the courts. This will protect YOUR rights and not let him bully you into lesser money and more time for him.
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I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this. I think you really should get a lawyer, consider it an investment in yours and Brody's future.It is a long 17 years till he is 18 and honestly I think you are short changing yourself w/ the child support. Braces, camps, college, etc you don't want to have to fight along the way.I agree w/ PP that for some reason it sounds like Keith wants 50/50 as he thinks it will lessen his burden (not saying he doesn't love
Can you put in the agreement that custody is w/ the parent and not w/ extended family, that the other parent needs to be notified when B is in someone elses care (don't know if that opens a can of worms) Also B is so young he has no idea what is going on, All that matters is when he's old enough to know whats going on that you and Keith love him and there is no bad blood. Do you guys have a someone that can act as a meditor (SP) Best of luck!!!
My BFF has a step son, her DH and DSS Mom were never married and have no official agreements/child support plans/documents and it is a mess. There are so many issues that come up, vacations, time spent, holidays etc that its a constant strees. DSS goes back and forth like a ping pong ball and I have no idea at how at almost 8 years old he is still a pretty grounded kid. His home lifes are so different at each place,the husband and Mom do not coparent at all and there is a lot of bitterness.
V and I have 50/50 joint custody however that doesn't mean he gets Suri 50% of the time (not that he ever would even care to). When we went to child custody mediation during our divorce it was explained to us that 50/50 custody does not mean the children are split between the parents 50% of the time each. What it means (here at least) is that each of us has an equal right to make legal decisions for our child (medical, etc.).
I am the custodial parent and this was agreed on during mediation. What the mediator will do is listen to both sides and make a decision based on what BEST for the child(ren). They explained to us that it's usually not beneficial to split the shared time exactly 50/50. They will look at your work schedule and his and make the decision based on that among other factors.
I did my divorce myself and did research to figure out how this all worked. We are able to place stipulations in our child custody orders such as not taking the child out of state, not drinking in front of the kids, etc. Does your state require child custody mediation (separate from divorce mediation)? Maybe call the mediators and see what they look for or what they feel is the best type of shared custody.
One warning I have to throw out there, don't count on getting child support whether it's court ordered or not. Yea, he may be good on paying it for a time or maybe always but don't count it as income because if it ever stops it will hurt the pocket. I make that mistake all the time! Make sure you have all your finances covered and don't rely on his money.
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As the child of divorced parents I have to say this is oh so very true. My dad went into arrears constantly and even spent a night or two in jail over it.
I really hope that everything works out for you and Brody. You remain in my T&P and if you ever need someone feel free to FB message or PM me, I'm not that far away.
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When Keith refers to 50/50 custody, he's talking about physical custody. I have no problem having 50/50 legal custody (for major life decisions, etc.), it's having Brody moved around so much at this young age that worries me. He might be too young to "understand" what's going on, but he'd still be impacted by having a different caregiver on a given day of the week, whether it be me, Keith or someone else. He's already said that along with 50/50 custody he'd find his own day care closer to where he lives/works for the time he'd have Brody. Right there that's adding in one more person B would see during the week. He's just too young for all of that. What happens when Brody reaches school-age? It's not like he can go to two different schools.....(we live 25 minutes apart). *sigh*
I'll be making some phone calls this week to both the attorney I have on back-up, as well as the division of the court that deals with custody issues.
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First, many ::Hugs::
Honestly, reading this it sounds like someone is feeding Keith this information, parents, friends, whoever and that is where his fight is coming from. It seems that he was very agreeable and despite him being an a** to you, he had Brodys interest first. I do think you need to seek legal advice or even a mediator could tell Keith what would happen if you take him to court. Like you said, you own a house, stable income, insurance, day care in comparison what does he have to offer. Your goal is not for Keith to never see Brody, you are being very fair and maybe a mediator or a lawyer could explain that to him and you could move forward civilly. And his idea to find a daycare near him.wtf. Maybe he should research that a little more. I don't know how daycare is in your area but around here there there are waiting list and contracts where you have pay for x amount of days no matter what and part time day care is rare and can be the same price as full time.
Oh Amanda, I'll be praying for you.
But really I think it might be time to think about getting lawyer, even if it does cost money. You need someone to fight for YOU AND BRODY.
Keith probably wants to push for 50/50 because he can't afford to pay child support. But that may also means he won't be able to pay for things if brody lives with him part time
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I'm just sending hugs and I agree with everyone above to CYA (cover your @$$). We're your e-cheerleaders, supporting you every step of the way.
I'm so sorry he's being a crap-a$$ about this.
What Mary said was the first thing to pop into my mind about how he probably just doesn't want to pay child support.
Get a lawyer, he/she will be acting in yours and Brody's best interest and that is what you need right now. Honestly, K won't know what hit him. You need to make sure that sweet innocent little boy isn't tossed around like a basketball through his toddler years and if you have to take K to the cleaners to do it, then do it.
Sorry to be so harsh, I'm just so so so angry for you and Brody right now.
I have to agree with Christina 100%. While it will be $$$, YOU need to look out for yourself and Brody.
I am very sorry Keith is being a jerk about this and yes, he is the father of your child but you need to protect yourself and do what is in the best interest of Brody. If Keith wants to be in Brody's life, he needs commit to being in Brody's life. While I have never experience divorce and custody cases, I have seen it with my BIL and it can get ugly when courts are not involved.
Amanda I am so sorry that he is being difficult about the custody issue. I would agree with most everything that has been said about getting a lawyer to protect you and Brody. I agree that the back and forth at his age is not appropriate. Also, I have a friends whose husband has a daughter from a previous relationship. He was never married to his DD mother but they run the Child Support through the courts. His paychek automatically has her custody taken out by thte courts and they automatically pay her. He wanted it run that way so that his DD mother could never accuse him of not paying. I am not sure if you could get Keith to agree to that, but it would help keep everything clean as far as making sure you get your money.
I do think part of it is about the money. I think that Keith honestly believes that if he physically had Brody half of the time, he wouldn't have to pay anything. I don't think he really wants his son 50% of the time, and I know that his work schedule/personal lifestyle wouldn't allow for it. Hell, he hasn't even been seeing Brody every-other-weekend since we split 4 months ago. Why now all the sudden?! Oh wait, because it would be an "official" order and be court enforceable....
And like Christina said, if he really did have B half of the time, he wouldn't be able to afford to provide him with the things he'd need.
I'm going to do a free consultation with an attorney to see what my options are. I know that we can go through mediation in the Friend of the Court for custody issues. I'll deal with child support after we have custody figured out. I know that I can't count on the money, and I also have a feeling that if Keith doesn't get "his way" in the custody issues he'll be pissed, hold a grudge and not pay child support. Oh well...he's only hurting himself because those arrears would follow him around everywhere.
Thank you for sharing stories of people you know who have been through this. I'm confident that parenting time wouldn't be awarded 50/50, but it's stressing me out that I have to go through all of this in the first place. I was just reading in the Michigan Friend of the Court Parenting Guide that for under age 4, a lot of times they won't even consider the every-other-weekend schedule. It's better "for the child to see the non-custodial parent more frequently, for less durations. As the child approaches school age, frequency can decrease while durationg increases". I think that's a pretty good backing for what I've been saying all along.
Again, thank you for your support, I really really really appreciate it!!
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Amanda I am just catching up on this and all I really have to say (because the other girls covered everything I could think of) is that I am so sorry to hear this. We all love you and anytime you need a friend to lean on we are here. Take care of you and Brody, keep showering him with all the love you already do. As long as he has you he will be ok.
Huge hugs.
This is exactly what I thought too. And how sh!tty for Keith to even put you in this position. I don't see his point of view AT ALL. I am so sorry it has come to this point for you two. I cannot even imagine.
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