Caribbean Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Vicki
Do you mind my asking how you're doing? And for an update? I (very possibly) could have missed something as I've had a couple of days where I've been absent, but I've been thinking about you, but then didn't want to be intrusive, but then you brought it up in Fenton's post so I figured I'd ask.
Ignore if I'm being annoying and nosey.
Re: Vicki
So, when we last left my story I had told you that I had just found out that B had been talking to & texting a girl that he used to date, right? I don't think I posted any updates here after that.
My husband is a terrible communicator, which is making all of this a million times more difficult than it should be. After playing a game of 21 questions the day I found out, he admitted to having feelings for this girl. He dated her in high school, and I guess he always considered her the "one who got away." She left for an internship in FL after school and they both moved on with their lives. He was dating someone when she moved back, then she ended up getting married. B told me that he was devastated when he found out she was getting married (this is about 10 years ago I think).
A little more history here - in August of 2009, I found out that he had been in contact with this girl without telling me. He said that they were just "catching up." I'm not a jealous person, but if you intentionally hide something like that, it's shady. When I pointed his out, he apologized and said that he would stop all communication with her (which I hadn't asked him to do) and went on about how much he loves me and values our relationship, etc. So, I forgave him, and assumed our relationship was back on track.
Ok, back to present day. When he finally admitted his feelings for her, I asked a million questions to try to figure out what was wrong in our relationship, or what he was gaining from his communication with her. He said that there had not been anything physical, which I believe, but really didn't matter to me because the fact that my husband was sharing his heart with another woman was about as devastating as it could get. He kept insisting that he loves me and is completely happy in our marriage, and couldn't figure out why or how he let himself rekindle feelings for this girl. I do believe that he was as lost and confused as he said he was, because he was holding me, shaking and sobbing.
Everyday I checked our cell phone records, and found him to still be texting and talking to her while we were trying to deal with this. He would not commit to stopping communication with her. I finally reached my breaking point that weekend. I asked what he was texting her about, and he wouldn't tell me. I asked to see his phone. He said no, and added a "what am I, 6?" That threw me into such a rage that I packed some clothes and left.
I spent that weekend with a friend and with my mom, and realized that I had to go home Sunday night because I had no work clothes, etc. I stood in the driveway with my suitcase and just cried. It was so hard to walk back into my house. My mom had offered to buy me a plane ticket to join her on a trip to WI for Christmas (to spend with my brother, niece and nephew). I gladly accepted. I knew I had to get out of the situation for a few days.
B and I talked a lot (mostly online) while I was gone. The day after Christmas, he told me that he wanted to try to work things out with me, and that he was going to tell the other girl that. I told him that we could not even begin to try to work through this until he cut off all communication with her.
So, I get home on Dec, 28th and things were ok, but still weird (because we hadn't actually resolved anything, and there was never an answer why this happened. He just kept saying he was "trying to figure it out." For my own sanity, I tried to resume to life as normal to a certain degree. But, he was STILL texting her. I asked if he told her that he was trying to work things out with me, and he said yes. I asked what could possibly be left for them to talk about, and he said something along the lines of, "she's going through a really difficult time at home and I feel bad because I obviously played a part in that." (What I forgot to mention is that I did track down this girl's husband and talked with him. He had already known that they were talking, but we confirmed some things for one another). I told B that it is not his job to be there for her right now, that they are both adults dealing with the consequences of their actions, and that he needed to 100% focus on us if there was any chance of working through this.
The last time he talked to her was Dec. 30th.
I'm going to start another post now since this is incredibly long.
Oooh Vicki, I just want to stretch his scrotum over his head and smother him with it right now.
(Too soon? I love you.)
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
Chapter 2.
The day I found out about all of this, I told him that he needed to counseling, I needed to go to counseling, and that he we needed to go to counseling together if we decided to stay together. His initial reaction was to say "I can't do that." So, in an effort to at least start some discussion between us, I bought a couple of books that I thought would help both B and I to deal with what we were going through. I read a couple of chapters of one and told him that he really needed to read it, because it pretty much describes exactly what happened to us. It deals with the issue of friendships turning into "emotional affairs" and how it happens. It also talks about the steps you need to take to try to move past it. To this day, he has not touched the book.
Early last week, I found a message that B had sent to his mother. He had sent it on December 30th. Essentially, he was saying that he was still confused. If he doesn't stay with me, he loses the house, the car, etc. Then he said that his head is telling him that he should stay with Vicki, but his heart is telling him the exact opposite. Another moment of complete devastation. So when he got home that night, I told him that I knew his heart wasn't with me. I truly feel like he wants it to be, but it's not. And I told him that I don't want him to stay with me because of the house, car, or because he feels like it's the "right thing to do" (I had said all of this to him before he sent that message to his mother as well. He cried again, and told me that I am perfect for him, and he wants to be with me 100% and do all of the things we've talked about doing in our lives together.
On the surface, things have been good between us since then. He has been very affectionate and loving, and we started having sex again, which has been amazing. The huge problem with all of this is that I cannot get him to communicate with me about the issues. I swear sometimes when I'm talking to him it's like he goes catatonic and just does not respond at all. I've told him that we need to go to counseling, no response. I've mentioned the books again several times, no response. I've told him that if he doesn't start opening up and talking to me, I am going to end up getting frustrated and leaving. He can't pretend like nothing has happened and ignore all of our issues. It is so effing weird and it's driving me insane.
Because he isn't a good verbal communicator, I've tried talking to him on IM, and he has been pretty much shutting down any conversation. I sent him a long email on Saturday. He hasn't responded. But yet, he wants to act like things are normal between us. I've been very direct in telling him that although we are getting along and returning to some "life as normal" things, that things are NOT ok between us and that he can't keep ignoring the issues.
So, I'm reaching a breaking point again. I'm tired of trying to beg him to work with me to fix things. I'm getting to the point where I just don't care anymore. I've avoided ultimatums, because I don't want someone to be with me because of an ultimatum. But at this point, I need to tell him that if he doesn't start talking to me about what he is willing to do to try to get through this, then he needs to start talking to me about how we are going to split up our things and what we are going to do with the house.
In the end, I want to feel like I did everything in my power to try to make my marriage work, and I feel like I have.
I'm meeting with a lawyer Thursday night, so that I can get a good picture of the things I need to think about in order to protect myself should the end result be divorce.
Oh man. I'm really sorry Vicki. The lack of communication would drive me up the fuccking wall too. I don't think giving an ultimatum of "it's time for counseling so we (he) can learn how to communicate or I'm gone" is an ultimatum forcing someone to be with you; I think it's an ultimatum that gives you the best chance you have of making it work. Because you want it to work. And you said he said he had a history of wanting inappropriate attention from the ladyfolks, so I think counseling to get to the heart of WHY he needs that would be a make or break it thing for me too.
I think meeting with a lawyer and finding out your options is a good step to take. Ugh. I'm sorry he's being stupid. I want to give you a hug.
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
Ugh, Vicki. Why does he have to be such an uncommunicative lazy bastard? He would be absolutely INSANE to lose you, but yet he seems to be inching his way that direction with his lack of action.
I think you should tell him about the lawyer, but not until after you meet with the lawyer. Don't worry about it scaring him off. The scariest thing he has to face is you leaving his ass, and he needs to step up and fight to keep you.
Why are there so many cases of Douchebag Disease lately? It must be in the water or something.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
2013 Calendars and More!
Claire Elizabeth 12/31/2011
Married Bio
I can't think of one thing to say that doesn't involve violence of some sort so imma just say that i hope everything works out so in the end YOU are happy.
Staying married because of an ultimatum = totally acceptable.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton