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this week is sucking (long)
sigh. actually, this month is sucking. and i expected it to, but somehow that isn't really helping. saturday's my bday, which normally would be fun but as everyone but newbies to the board know, devin's accident last year happened on my bday. then his bday was two days later, and the day he died the day after that. the only reason he even made it to 19 is because he was on life support while his brain shut down. that's a fact and what the hell can you say about it? nothing comes close to capturing the... i'm not even sure what word to use. the misery of it? yeah, i guess misery will do.
and yes, i appreciate that i got to know him at all, and i'm thankful for the time i got to spend with him, but that doesn't really help. i don't want to be thankful for what i got. that's not what i want at all, greedy little creature that i am. i want him alive and well, and less reckless so maybe he might stay that way. i get tired of the thankful routine being pretty much everyone's standard response because don't i get to just feel bad about it sometimes? i don't hold it against anyone. i mean, egad - what the hell can you say? one minute there you are having a normal conversation and then somehow it comes up and i can see the moment of panic on their face when they realize "my god... her nephew died how? he was just 19? it was the day after his birthday? what am i supposed to say?", and then the thankful thing pops out of their mouth before they even know what they're saying. it might not be the first thing but it's almost always there. i know they mean well but i could do without it, so much so that i'm just trying to slog along here at work - and failing rather miserably - half hoping that no one remembers. or if they do, that they won't say anything about being thankful.
i think about this time last year and how blissfully unaware we all were of what was coming, and how much i took the people in my life for granted. of course the kids would always be there. they're kids. what else were they going to do but grow up and outlive their parents and grandparents and uncles and aunties? there just aren't enough words for how much i miss him and how much i wish i could do something to bring him back. i'd do literally anything to make that happen. it's so maddening to know that the one time i'd do anything - trade places, sell my soul, anything - there's absolutely nothing i can do. it's just not possible and christ on a bike but that pisses me off.
so i guess i'll go to the party my sister is throwing me on saturday. if christmas was any indication i'll probably even have a good time. maybe next year won't be so hard. and i've got a nice bridge i might sell myself, too.
the icing on the cake is that drew's traveling for his new job and you know what? it sucks. it sucks a lot more than i thought it would, even taking this miserable anniversary into account. i miss him. i miss him a lot. i miss him far more than i thought i would, and i knew i'd miss him. i realized over the weekend that i pretend i don't miss him when i can, because then it's not so bad, and then it hits me on the weekend when he's home. he'll be home the last week this month and hopefully a few more before he goes back. well, that's totally based on wishing. i have no idea what his schedule is beyond 1/28. he tells me to think of the vacations to exotic climes but his warm body in bed at night is sounding exotic enough.
okay, enough whining. if you got this far i owe you a drink or two at the next gtg.
Re: this week is sucking (long)
Sounds like you definitely have some sh!tty anniversaries coming up. I know there is nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better and I agree that while "be thankful" sounds nice, its a bunch of crap when you are hurting so badly.
I don't know what the "right" advice is in this situation, but I would say to let yourself feel however you need to feel to grieve. There is no reason that you should be "over" it one year later. It was a freaking horrible, awful, tragic event and I'm so sorry for all that you and your family have been through this past year.
Try to go and enjoy your birthday party. Allow yourself to have a little bit of happiness. Is your family planning on doing anything in honor of Devin on his bday? Maybe you can all get together for dinner and talk about him, or if nothing else you can do something special for yourself to remember him.
Also, have you looked into any type of support group? It sounds like this is a pretty rough time for you and with you DH being away, it might be pretty helpful to have somewhere to go to get support and help grieving.
(((hugs)))
I'm so sorry so many bad things are related so closely to so many bad.
I hated when Ray was working out of town. I'd JUST feel like I'd gotten sort of used to him being gone, then he'd be back. It would be great but then he'd leave again and I'd have to go through all the loss all over.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I think the way you are feeling is very normal. It took me a good year to mourn the death of my grandpa in 2009 and he was 90!
I also think it would be best for you to go to your birthday party. It doesn't mean he's forgotten or the day is forgotten. You might even feel better being around loved ones.
Are there any local nightly activities you can participate in once or twice a week to help time pass while your husband is traveling? Or you can spend more time around here. I think more of us around then the posts on the board show.
I'm glad you feel a little better already. Talking about feelings really does help.
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