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Borrowing money from parents
We had just borrowed money from DH's parents to get a badly needed new roof when he had lost his job. It was a loan. We did not make payments because we could not pay anything at that time and are recovering still.
During DH's year of unemployment, my parents bent over backwards to help with our mortgage and other expenses. They stated they do not want to be paid back. DH's parents helped with very little but did help with about $2000 over that period of a year.
We are now hugely in debt to credit cards and are paying them off each month.
DH's parents have STRONGLY shared how they expect to be paid back and we just told them we will start to pay them back but it will be slow. Fine.
But, they then lectured DH about paying my parents back. I know for a fact that my parents would either 1.) not accept the money or 2.) put that money aside for us anyway.
Thoughts?
Your experience with borrowing/getting money from parents???
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Re: Borrowing money from parents
Oh man, it sounds like it's been a frustrating and difficult year! I'm so sorry. I hope everything goes much better for you guys this year!
I don't really have any experience with this... but I don't really understand what you mean by "put that money aside for us". Maybe I'm dumb or missing something, but I don't really get it.
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We have never borrowed money from either sets of parents, but we will in the upcoming months to buy a house. We decided it was worth it to borrow some from ILs to be able to put 20% down on a home and avoid and FHA loans and the costs of mortgage insurance. We will pay them back (yes we'll technically get it back some day when they pass, but that could be a long time). There will be no interest so our plan is to pay it off quickly with as much as we can each month.
I think your ILs should stay out of your business with your parents. What you borrowed from you ILs is between you and them. What you borrowed from your parents and your arrangements is between you, DH and your parents. You ILs should have no input into that. If it is important to your DH have a discussion with your parents and talk it out and come up with a plan to repay if that is what he really wants to do, but in all honesty it is none of your ILs business.
We've never borrowed money from my parents, but DH borrowed money from his mom and dad before we were married, when he bought his first house. He paid his mom back, but his dad refused and told DH he could pay him back when DH made more money than he did. That's never going to happen, so...
I don't envy your position. I can't really fathom my parents "loaning" me money. They don't loan to anyone, they only give. I can understand your ILs encouraging their son to repay his debts, but it's not their call to insist that your parents accept his payment.
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Sorry, I know I'm a newbie, but I thought this was interesting because I'm in the exact opposite situation. My MIL is very adamant about helping us if we are in need. She's told me several times that all we need do is say the word, no matter how much, no questions asked. Her philosophy on lending money (to anyone) is that you shouldn't expect it to be returned (I know that's not really lending, but it's nicer to receive the money back unexpectedly rather than worrying about how long it takes). We rarely have the need, but she has dug us out of a hole or two in the past.
My parents on the other hand... It's hard for me to even think about asking them for help. In fact, I'm going back to school this semester and asked my mother (reluctantly) for help pay for a few classes I'll be taking at community college. She gave me a ridiculously hard time about it (she's got no qualms about paying 80k for my youngest sister's education and 50k for my middle sister's education, but when I ask for 500 bucks...
). She finally agreed after I found out my employer will reimburse me at the end of the semester, so I'll be able to pay her back in full. I should note that she apologized for being rude about it before...
How I handle it: On the rare occasion it starts pouring, we turn to MIL for help. I know the consequences of asking my parents for help, so we don't (Unless there's no way around it, of course. I can't ask MIL for help with MY school when clearly I should be asking my own parents.). I don't discuss MIL helping us with my family. It's none of their business and they have no right to judge us for accepting her help. As MIL grows older, we'll be there for her and will take care of her just as she's done for us. We'll then pass on her philosophy to our kids and treat them as kindly as MIL has treated us. My parents... will have to rely on my sisters. lol j/k ;-)
Maybe tell your in-laws that you would love to pay back both sets of parents right away, but it's just not realistic at the moment? If they persist, gently let them know that your parents are very understanding of your difficult situation and know that you will do what you can, when you can. I would definitely try to pay back the in-laws as soon as you can though. Sounds like a very frustrating and stressful situation to have to deal with and the sooner you can clean your hands of it, the better. Good luck!
M said it better than I could have. I completely agreee.
DH's parents helped with very little but did help with about $2000 over that period of a year.
You realize they didn't have to help you at all, right? And I'm not sure $2000 is "very little" - that's a good chunk of change.
Me too.
I don't have any personal experience with this either. I couldn't really tell by your post, but does your husband agree with his parents? Maybe you guys can pay your parents back by sending them a weekend getaway somewhere. Not direct cash, but a way to thank and recognize them for loaning you the money.
We always try to pay back money that we take from anyone, no matter the reason. I understand what you are saying about your parents not taking the money back, but maybe you could at least make an effort so your DH doesn't feel like he is relying on his in-laws to survive.
I know my parents expect to be repaid for every penny they give us ever, but DH's parents not so much. We always ask them if they want the money back on principle- sometimes they will take it, sometimes not.
J and I were in the same boat as you for a long time. My parents have always given so much of themselves when he and I were in dire financial situations and told us they never expect to be paid back and in fact, don't want too (all of this happened years ago). MIL, on the other hand, kept a detailed log (in Excel) of money borrowed even before J and I met. So up until this past September, we had been paying her a set amount a month until at a certain point, she got a bee in her bonnet about wanting to buy a condo and therefore demanded that we pay her more a month. She doesn't know that my parents had given us money in the past and I don't ever intend to tell her because she would be very quick to judge.
I do understand why your husband would want to pay your parents back, but on the flipside, I don't think it's your ILs place to lecture you and your husband about paying other people back. That's an agreement that must be reached between you, your DH and your parents.
I definitely agree with the pp that your IL should stay out of any arrangements you have with your parents.
I also wanted to say I'm sorry that things have been so rough on you this past year. I really hope that things start to turn around soon. I know how frustrating dealing with money/family can be. In my family, if you need money, it was always given because my parents are very giving in that respect. DH and I always pay it back, but my parents are much more lenient with the terms and depending on certain things it may be given as a gift. DH family is the complete opposite. There always seems to be a bit of jealousy with his parents and money. While, I do think they would loan it if we truly needed it, it would come at such a high price (both literally and figuratively) that we would have to be really desperate to go that route.
I'd start repaying them...even if only $20 a month.
I'd ignore their input into your parents entirely
in the future, I'd work out their re-payment expectations when the loan is made
Both our parents have the same perspective on money...what we "loan" is not a "loan" it is not expected to be paid back. Of course we have never borrowed much (only once and it was paid back the following month, there was a check clearing issue). The rest of the time they have given money it has been in the form of a gift (DP for our condo (they gave each of DH's brothers the same amount), money towards our wedding, etc).
That said...
My IL's and my parents would never try to tell us how we should handle money agreements we have made with the other set. Why? It is not their business.
I think you need to ignore what they said about the money stuff with your family and use this as a learning tool to not borrow from them in the future.
I think that if you can pay your parents back in the future...you should try, even if they are just going to set it aside for you (I get that, my parents would totally do the same thing). Even though you are their child, showing at least a little attempt at paying back is a good will gesture to show them how much you truly appreciated their efforts...even if they do not accept or never cash the check, that is their choice.
Long thought short:
I would pay off your IL's as quickly as you can and I would never borrow from them again because it clearly makes them feel that they have a say in all your finances and financial agreements.
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EJ is growing up too fast!
I totally agree with this too. Once we paid off MIL, we vowed to each other that we would never take any money she offered us, gift or not.
Also, as horrible as it might sound, maybe have a payment plan in writing and have your ILs sign it? That way you're both on the same page of how much you've borrowed, how much you're paying back, and at what amount per month, etc.
Thanks ladies
To piggy back on some thoughts you shared...
We have definitely learned our lesson about borrowing from DH's parents. We will have to start out slow but will pay them back, even if it takes years. I will look into that site. And I feel so much better that some of the parents out there have Excel spreadsheets
I wonder if MIL has one!?
While I did say they contributed very little but $2000 is a lot, it is tiny compared to what my parents have done. Also, there is quite a bit of baggage in regards to what they have done for DH's sister but not for DH...I stay out of it.
Neither had to help and I get that. But, it was help or we would have been homeless or knocking on their doors to be roommates, sigh!
We did treat my parents to a weekend away and treat them out when we can. My parents are like many of yours out there that they gift money, its not a loan.
It feels good to discuss this here because I just don't say it all to DH since I know he hates how our parents differ with money giving/loaning.
Also, DH's parents are strict about payments back but will treat us to Hawaii each year for Thanksgiving and if we don't go we are in the dog house (that just doesn't make sense to me!)
Thanks, ladies!!!
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