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Do you tell your H 'everything'?
K and I have a pretty open, honest relationship, but there are certain things I don't tell him - to save his feelings, yes, but also just because I don't feel the need to create unnecessary drama. I'm starting to think he feels like I'm hiding stuff from him, though, when it really isn't the case. So, where do you draw the line with what you do and don't tell your H?
Background: With the Jelly Bean coming, we've started tossing around how to handle holidays going forward since it's an issue even without kids, and K suggested having both sets of parents to our house for Christmas since I refuse to travel and he doesn't want anyone left out. I'm not thrilled about the idea, mostly because the first time both sets of parents met, which was about 3 years ago, the aftermath was BOTH of our mothers telling ME what SHE thought of the other (and neither was terribly flattering to the other). Now, I realize that MIL is extremely catty - has SOMETHING to say about EVERYBODY, and it's usually pretty cruel, and my mom is very blunt and honest - doesn't have much of a filter, a lot like me. It's just their personalities and generally I just ignore both of them. Thing is, I never told K about this until about a month ago - and he got mad that I kept it from him. He felt like he had a right to know and my point was - other than get upset, what are you going to do about it anyway?
For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked.
Re: Do you tell your H 'everything'?
huh?
I'm confused....the debate is whether you should tell your H every opinion you have, when you have it? Sounds awfully tiring.
Invite both parents. They are adults. Let them figure it out. If they start giving you uninvited, disparaging remarks about the other one. Tell them you're not interested and to tell the other person directly.
More than likely though, you'll have the kid and he'she will be the center of all attention and all the pettiness will wither away - fingers crossed.
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I can see where you're coming from keeping something like that from K to keep the peace. I usually tell (my) K stuff like that though. More because I'm venting and not to start drama. I do tell him most everything, but do I tell him everrrrything? No way - like Alicia said, that would get tiring.
I think maybe K is over reacting a bit. Maybe he was upset that you didn't tell him your mom didn't like his? Or that his mom acted like that to yours? I dunno. Did he at least understand your reasoning for not telling him?
no - I did a bad job of explaining.
The debate is how 'honest' to be - as simple as how to respond when he says 'do I look fat in this shirt?' (yes, he does ask) or as complex as family dynamics. Are partial truths and lies of omission okay? If they're told/not told to save drama & tension?
09.25.10
i tell don mostly everything, but somethings i don't share fully to keep from having him get upset or to even hurt his feelings. id rather keep the peace in the house than share every tiny detail w/ him. and i think he does the same.
as for a simple question like "do i look fat in this shirt"
i simply say "you look good" - he's put on a few pounds and so have i, i dont tell him that just like i wouldn't want him to do that to me, lol!
I don't tell him everything but I don't purposely hide anything either.
I'm still pissed at his sister for the way she acted at the wedding and that she never apologized to us. And that it seemed like his parents made excuses for her. Tom knows I was angry then but I don't think he knows I'm still very bitter about it. I know its somewhat petty and I just need to let it go, but I just can't yet.
Married / The Cookaholic Wife
this.
Also, your posting makes me think of National Lampoons x-mas vacation.
As far as family stuff goes, Hubby's family talks to me more than him about crap like that. If it's something that needs to be worked out, I usually fill him in and tell him to deal with it if I'm too exhausted to handle it (his family can be exhausting). Otherwise, I'm a pretty blunt person and I just say what I think and they can deal with it.
Hubs parents are divorced and don't necessarily get along (the wedding was interesting). I've already told Hubby that for holidays and kids b-day parties, etc., I'm only planning and having one of each occassion and inviting everyone. They can choose to be adults about it and come if they like or not. But I'm not tip-toeing around when it comes to kids, etc. They can either put their issues aside to be family or not.
I tell J mostly everything; however, I do bite my tongue A LOT when it comes to his mother and brother. He knows how I feel about them and I usually just roll my eyes if I know she's calling him.
I sometimes avoid telling him certain things if I know how he's going to react. Just saves the arguing/bad mood/whatever and it's usually not important anyway.
I'm really straightforward and blunt. So if something's on my mind, I say it. This happens with H and BFF and most of my other friends. While I am an oversharer, H doesn't say something unless he feels it needs to be said. At the same time, when asked a question, he'll answer 100% honestly. And we both want that 100% honesty.
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i have issues with keeping things inside and not talking about them. if it is something that doesn't bother me to keep to myself, then i do not share it with gerren. but if it is something that i need to talk about, chances are he knows about it. i dont want to hurt his feelings, but if something is on my mind, i am going to talk to him about it. and i try to TALK with him about it, not just put it out there and say "gosh, i hate this, that really bothers me, etc."
i had been keeping some very personal information from gerren for the last 9 years. i didnt realize how badly it had been eating at me, especially since i had decided 9 years ago never to tell gerren about this. but apparently, it was driving me crazy, bc i just started crying the other night and told him everything. he cried too and now that he knows, it is like a huge weight off my shoulders.
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I don't share everything with A because sometimes it's just simply not worth the argument. Although if he says do I look fat, and he does, I tell him yes, I don't want to go out with him looking bad in something. He is also the same way with me and I say does this show to much of my belly fat he is honest. There are many things about the way I feel about his mother I just don't say to him because it will start a huge arument and thats not the pint of saying it. I mostly vent to my best friend/roomate, she knows more about me than anybody else in my life.
This about sums us up too. I am definitely an oversharer. K isn't always in your face with his feelings, but he'll be honest and open up if I ask what's up. Chances are if something's bothering me, K already knows anyway, so I might as well say something. I guess I don't have a very good p-p-p-poker face.
Wow dude, that's some heavy schit if it's still eating away at you after 9 years. Glad you got it out and everything's better. :-)
I tell him everything. If his breath smells like sh!t, I tell him. If his outfit looks awful, I tell him. When his mom called to ask to borrow money, I told him you know you're not getting it back right?
There is only one thing I won't tell him and it was something that happened to me when I was a little girl that I will not tell any of my family members.
I am also an oversharer. I never hold back what I am thinking with him and am painfully honest in everything.
Regarding the shirt question: chances are I would have already told him he looked fat in the shirt before he asked. I will also ask him if he has gained weight if I think it looks like he has. I would also want him to do the same with me to keep me accountable.
Wow, I kinda sound like a b*tch.
I don't tell J everything...but we do talk about important things. I guess the little things that bug me really aren't worth saying something over (like, at times..he has the horrible way of clearing his throat!
I think if I was to tell him everything, we'd be constantly at battle over his father. Most people have to 'worry' about their MIL...me, it's my FIL. I love my MIL - she's the best MIL on the planet. My FIL feels he needs to put his nose into pretty much all of our business. So, when FIL starts in on J, I just walk away. Later, instead of getting on J's case about his Dad, I just let it go.
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Haha. I do this ALLLLLL the time. I'm like "H, go brushed your freaking teeth!"
(I am OCD about oral hygiene)
The Princess of Anything is Coming!
Had a dream I was queen.
Woke up. Still queen.