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DH's Ex ...UGH!!!!!!!! (very LOOONG)
Ok so you all know my situation. I have a wonderful 10 year old step-daughter who I love dearly and you also know that her mother is unstable. I need to vent, so here it goes.
We had SD the week before Christmas & christmas day until 2pm. Flash back to last Christmas: EX gave 9 year old SD a cell phone. DH told EX that was fine but that the cell phone was not to come to his home. He thought that SD was too young & he did not want to have to police the cell phone. EX & SD were both told that it wasn't allowed to come the his house & both agreed that it wouldn't.
Fast forward to Christmas Eve of this year. DH is tucking in SD & finds the cell phone hidden under her pillow! She had been texting all week. Her mom was asking her probing questions about what we were doing, had we gone to bed, where were we going, etc. Almost all of the texts were sent to SD after she was supposed to be asleep! Her mom sent them b/w 10 & 11 at night! In one of the earlier ones (@ 9:40 pm) EX told SD to tell us that she wanted to call her mom. We told SD no b/c it was so late. EX knew this so she could tell SD "see they won't let you talk to me." UGH!!! We did let SD call her Mom the other 2 times she asked & EX NEVER called our house. But what it really all comes down to is the EX put SD up to lying to us!
EX asked SD if "Daddy" had found the phone to which SD replied "no" & told her to turn off her phone during the day so that the battery wouldn't die. EX WAS PUTTING SD IN A POSITION TO LIE TO US! She was also teaching her how to conceal & manipulate!!! But the worst of all she was putting her up to spying on us & putting her in the middle of her bullshit with DH!!!! I was so mad I couldn't think straight & only slept about an hour that night. I coudn't even cry I was so mad!
So here's the most recent senerio. We got 10 inches of snow & ice on Sunday night & into Monday. That much snow cripples South Carolina - the state is simply not prepared for that type of weather. At about 2 pm, EX texts DH & says "what are we going to do about Sarah?" Technically it was EX's night to have her but b/c of the weather & school cancellation she was still with us. DH tells her that the roads were bad & he thought she should stay @ our house. EX agrees that the roads are bad & even went on to say that they were getting worse. She agreeed that SD should stay put.
Later that evening at 8:40 it's 26 degrees outside & the roads are covered in ice (our street had at least an inch of hard ice) & DH gets a call from EX saying that she's coming to get SD b/c it her night with her! WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?!? Nelson tried to reason with her & tell her that she was putting herself & SD in danger b/c the police & every local tv station were telling people not to leave their houses unless it is an emergency & even then to dial 911 first. Ex would not listen to reason & insisted that she was coming. DH told her that that was THE most selfish thing he had EVER heard but if she wanted to risk her life & the life of their child just so SD could spend the night with her he could not legally stop her & hung up. DH goes & tells SD to get dressed (she was already in her pj's) b/c her mom was coming to get her. S/D told DH that she didn't want to go b/c the roads were icy & she had to cross a bridge to get back to her Mom's house. (We had been talking about the bad roads & watching the news earlier.)
So S/D called her mother & told her that she was scared for her to come get her b/c she didn't want to get in a wreck & go to the hospital. Thank GOD EX listen to her 10 year old daughter!
We took SD to her mother's at about 11:15 am the next day.
THE B!TCH IS CRAZY!!!!!! How narcisstic do you have to be to put your child's life in danger just so you can get what you want!!?!?!? It make absolutely NO sense! What is wrong with this woman???
Sorry for the long vent - thx for listening. 
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Re: DH's Ex ...UGH!!!!!!!! (very LOOONG)
OH.My.Gosh! I would be totally livid!!! She is teaching her daughter to lie, hide things, manipulate, and what ever else. Wow, she is an awful mother. I am so sorry for Sarah being put in the middle like that, how awful for her. And for ex to think that there was anythign reasonable about putting her daughters life in very clear and very obvious danger like that is beyond horrible.
I am sorry that you and Sarah and Nelson are having to deal with all of that. I guess that all I can say is good luck in the future dealing with her.
Whoa!!!!!! I don't know what else to say but.....whoa!!! This woman is BSC. I'm sorry you have to deal with this nut case - I just hope Sarah doesn't continue this spying and lying on her own free will. If anything I hope it comes back to bite EX in the azz. It amazes me how people use their children to get back at their exes not even thinking that the only one hurt in the process is the kids. Not to mention what it teaches them.
Luckily Amanda's mom isn't that psycho - she's just irresponsible. The only frustration I have with her is the way she thinks it's ok to let her daughter miss school any time she wants. Pulling her out to go to FL for a week or to a water park for 3 days or to Frankenmuth when her aunt is in town (the 1st full week of school). She lets her skip on half days because Amanda thinks they're "a waste of time," and if it's snowing but school is still open, she lets her stay home anyway. And her BFF's parents do the same!!! Do these people not realize that attendance COUNTS!!?? Almost as much as grades??? Too bad I can't say anything....
Wow, just wow! EX sounds very irresponsible and a bit dysfunctional. I am wondering if she needs some anxiety medications??? So sorry that your family is stuck in the middle of this! Always feel free to vent here!
That cell phone story is so disappointing, it sounds like EX is teaching your SD the very improper use of the cell phone that you and your DH don't want to police. Maybe you should let her use her cell phone, but give her rules with consequences, at least this way she will learn some responsibility. Plus, then you know she can always call you if she's in trouble (like if EX is doing something irrational).
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Is this woman on drugs? I'm not being sarcastic -- the irrationality of her behavior (trying to drive and endanger her child in the snow and ice) combined with the obvious irresponsibility of her parenting are consistent with some sort of substance abuse. She may not be of course and it's a serious accusation to make, but I wonder if it's worth looking into.
Also, has Nelson considered petitioning the courts for full custody? I am seriously concerned for your SD's safety and future -- many of my current clients learned their sneaky, manipulative and ultimately criminal behavior from their parents.
Sorry if I'm being overdramatic, but she is just unexcusable!
Ditto this! I feel bad for Sarah being caught in the middle. I hope you can all work out some solutions to these issues. No parent should ever teach their child to spy or lie.
Oh.my.goodness.
My half brothers have a mother just like that. I'm sorry you have to deal with an immature ex. I hate when people use their kids as bait. I feel really bad for your SD too. She must feel so confused being in the middle of it all. I was there with my parents, not to this extent, but I was always walking on eggshells because of both parents.
I wish I had advice on how to deal with her... Sounds like you guys are doing the best you possibly can.
Danielle
I don't think this is being over-dramatic at all. If anything her mother is emotionally and mentally abusing her daughter by putting her in the middle of her 2 parents. It's not healthy for SD to have to be in that position.
Is there any way you can get copies of these texts? Take pics of them or forward them to your own phone so you can have a record of what's been taking place? It's horrible to think about taking a child away from her mother, but her mother is not helping her, she's only hurting her at this point in time.
And while I don't think her mom is probably abusing any kind of drug or alcohol, she could very well have some other mental issues for which therapy would be beneficial. I'm not a psychologist or anything, but the 180's she's pulling all the time and acting rational one moment and irrational 30 minutes later seems very severe.
Sorry you have to deal with all of this George-Anne. At least you and your H are trying to provide a stable home for SD. Try not to let it get to you too much, because that's also what she's probably trying to do.
Thank you all so much! I try not to vent on here too much about our issues with EX b/c, in all honesty I'd be posting about it every week. I nearly cried when I read all of your posts of support, advice & warm thoughts. I can not tell you all how much it means to me.
We do log her (EX) behaviour & yes DH & I would like to have full custody but EX is very, very good at toeing the line but never crossing it.
As far as we know she is not on drugs. This is sad to say but I wish she was. In a way it would make things easier, then the judges would have to give us custody. She is mentally unstable. She has seen a theripst in the past back when she & DH's marriage was falling apart. After several sessions alone w/ the dr DH joined them for a joint session where the dr discovered that EX had been lying to him the entire time. She even admitted it. The theripst told her not to come back b/c he could not help her. She has been on meds for her mental state in the past & I can only assume that she is still taking them. After doing a bit of research I think she is suffering (or rather we suffer) from NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). She fits ALL the criteria.
Please keep SD in your prayers & thoughts a well as DH & I.
::HUGS:: to you all.
Ditto, PP...So sorry that you guys are having to deal with this. I have another friend who is also dealing with "crazy ex" syndrome, and apparently, this is something that more families are dealing with these days than most realize.
When will these women (an some men) learn that children are people, not pawns to be used in games of "gotcha", "one-upmanship" and "because I can" with their ex spouses?
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Wow George-Anne, wow. I can't imagine how you deal with that type of behavior from Sarah's mom. (Cindy and I seem to have the same type of stepkid's mom, mainly irresponsible) Getting the kid to be in the midst of this is just really wrong. I don't know if this has been considered, but maybe you and Nelson talking to Sarah about this type of behavior of manipulating and getting her to lie to you guys might be appropriate? If that isn't an option, then just know in time as Sarah gets older she WILL figure it out as she is put in these poor situations. I'm glad that she convinced her mom to not drive out and put anyone in danger. That type of scenario will likely stick with her as she figures out what kind of person her mom is and what her mom's priorities are.
My stepson is 14, and he in the last few years has made comments regarding his mom's poor judgement in ways of operating her household and priorities. He constantly is trying to discipline his younger sister, likely to compensate for the lack of discipline and rules at his mom's. (She gets plenty here!) It will start to come together for Sarah, and our way of talking to the kids about their mom is not to bash her, but just stating the facts of how things operate. I hope things work out for you guys and most of all for Sarah so she doesn't emulate her mom as she gets older.
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We told Sarah that we did not approve of her lying, concealing (same as lying) and manipulating even if her mother says that it's ok and that it is NOT OK that her mother told her to do those things. We explained that it is never ok to lie and if anyone ever tells her to lie or to keep a secret it b/c they are doing something wrong and she needs to tell someone. She asked us to please not drag her mom into this to which we replyed that we weren't. Her mom created the situation & put HER (SD) in the middle. Not the other way around. We are very careful not to say anything negative about her mother in front of SD (it's agaist court orders). We didn't say anything bad personally about EX just that her decisions & actions were bad - as it related to this situation.
THe whole driving-over-at-9pm-on-icy-roads thing blew my mind! I can't even fathom her reasoning behind wanting to do this. It was simply an act of extreme selfishness & I am glad that DH told her that - not that it made any difference.
I swear every time we think we know what to expect out of her she blind sides us with some thing crazier than before. It can be so exhausting. Like Cindy said she's BSC. ::sigh::