Caribbean Nesties
EdithBouvierBeale
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
_Fentonita, como esta?
how are you? any development? Im nosy, but I also worry that you hesitate to post about things, so as not to come off as a one note nellie.
so..since Im asking, spill your beans all up in here!
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Re: _Fentonita, como esta?
Was good, as was yesterday (except I was cooking tipsy and broke my most useful piece of Corningware). Much better than Monday.
I talked to him tonight and was like, OK it's done, let's stick a fork in it and get on with the paperwork. He said, No, he didn't want that; along with some illogical statements that would make you tear your hair out to read. Long story short, he's finishing the book I gave him that he stopped after 40 pages the first time. I told him he's got a couple of days to read it and see if he has some revelation (I'm busy Friday and Saturday so I won't be available to deal with this anyway). Sunday night, I'm going to say it's time to sh!t or get off the pot, and I've already pulled up my pants and started washing my hands so we might as well just give up. I told him I have already packed some boxes and taken some things to my parents' basement.
His brother (whose observation is "he completely detatched from reality at some point") is going to have an in person man to man talk with him tonight, but I don't think he'll get anywhere.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
wow. that makes me wonder if something is wrong with him...
I am probably WAY more supportive of working things out (certain things...) thn most people, just because we went through SUCH a dark period...pretty much like my daughter's first year, plus...
it was awful. but neither of us had really...WRONGED the other..we jsut weren't happy, or communicating..I can GAURANTEE we would have split if we didn't have a kid.
Or if I had someplace easy to go...(my fam was 1300 miles away- what was I gonna do? take the kid across the country?)
I have no idea what changed.
we didn't get therapy (could have used it.)
we were just NOT working.
It was so miserable.
but but but ..now- its better than it ever was. I cant figure out why? what changed?
did we just figure things out? we're giddier than when we first started dating. it's been a decade! I feel the butterflies! I used to dread his coming home from work- now I am spo excited to see him.
I just wonder if twat might have something going on? depression? midlife crisis?
Im not advocating that you let him play this little game with you, but I guess I just want to say that if you decide you want to work it out, I'm here for you- I mean I am either way, but I feel like sometimes making it work might be harder, and I know that the reasonable (self respecting?) answer is to kick his ass to the curb.
you can- maybe you should. but you don't have to, if it is truely not what you want. but if he's willing to answer for his missteps, and promise to be someoen you want to be married to..maybe it'll happen.
it's hard to imagine that a human can be everything you want them to be for a lifetime...right? there's going to be a few WTF moments.
I looked up his time (at work so there was no evidence in the google history on the home computer, not that he'd ever look at it) and it was 3:56. But I sure as hell am not going to ask him and let him know I even thought about it.
I actually hope he does read the book and come to terms with his emotional issues. I don't forsee him dealing with this in time to save the marriage, but he's going to be very unhappy in life if he doesn't face whatever he's going through.
Edith, I am also a "work it out no matter what" person. I think divorces should be harder to get legally, aside from abuse, cheating, addiction, or other similar extreme craziness. I completely agree that if we had a kid and we stayed together because of that, we'd be happier eventually. I have no doubt in my mind that our problems can be solved fairly easily. But I can't do that by myself and I can't stay married to someone who doesn't acknowledge that they have serious communication challenges and isn't dedicated to changing that. I'm sure I'd be willing to work it out beyond the point that most people here would tell me is wise. But the proverbial crap needs to be cut soon and swiftly. And with no movement for 3+ months, "swift" does not seem likely.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
Do you ever worry that his family continually having these come to Jesus talks with him will guilt him into coming home?
What do you feel like you want to do? If he reads the book and says the right things to you what does that mean to you? Do you need to see action on his part before you would be open to even working on things?
Either way it is going to be hard. And you know that whatever you decide to do everyone here will support you.
I can envision some fairly specific scenarios that involve major 180s that would change my mind. Even in that case, I would want to take things slow, not have him move back right away and either try another therapist together or by himself.
More likely, I think what's going to happen is Sunday he'll say, "Well some stuff made sense, but I still just don't know," and I will pack more boxes and take them to my parents and eventually get around to calling a lawyer.
I don't worry about his family guilting him into doing anything. I truly think he does have emotional problems and displaying real pain or other intense negative feeling is hard enough for him. He wouldn't be able to make himself fake it in a million years. The most they could guilt him into is saying, "OK, I *guess* I'll try," at which point my eyes will roll out of my head.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
It sounds like you know what your breaking point is and that it has come and gone.
How are you doing? Your emotions probably change daily but are you in the angry phase, woe is me phase or the fuckyouassmunch phase?
I'm so sorry you're going through this. While I agree that the breakup of marriage is something that cannot be taken lightly, it's impossible to save a marriage when one person has emotionally checked out. You can't save it on your own.
I give you a lot of credit for having so much patience already.
I don't really have any advice. I think you have been more than patient with him. Do you think that somewhere there is some chance that this relationship could end up being great again?
I think come Sunday you should tell him you need to postpone the talk another week because you've been working on a big shiit that you really need to focus on.
For less then ten cents a day, you can feed a hungry child.
J&J, I bounce back and forth every couple of days as to where I am in the coping/grieving process. I know I won't be closed off to the possibility of working things out completely until the papers are signed. But I'm also not getting lulled in by BS false hope tactics where he wants to "hang out" to see what happens. I'm not going to keep letting him have a loving wife but live like he's single.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
don't think Im trying to coax you into working it out- not at all! I just shared my tale of woe to illustrate that even when it's basically dead...it can rise from the ashes like a glorious phoenix!
but
I know in my heart that had we 1. not had a kid, or 2. had someplace I could have gone, I would have ended it.
no doubt.
we were stuck together out of inconveniences and geography and things worked themselves out.
and I am SO happy they did- but I don't think we handled things well, or responsibly. I can't honestly account for what the hell either of us was thinking during that time. I feel like we both had post partum depression or something...but we weren't acknowledging it?
anyway- I am not telling you I think you should try to fight any longer (I didn't realize this was a 3 month old thing? I thought he went on his emotional journey much more recently.
I think Im just saying that if you DO try to work it out, I understand why.
I can't imagine the weirdness you must be feeling...or how he can act like that without having a serious issue that needs to be worked out.
is he open to counselling?
what does he say when you tell him that this is ridiculous?
does he think keeping you on the line is at all fair or functional for your marriage?
Oh I know you're not coaxing me into anything besides trying to get close to me so I accept your offer of sisterwifedom (yeah, don't think I don't know when someone's putting the moves on me, alright!?). I was just saying I agree, and I agree the situation IS fixable, which makes it all the more maddening. If I was truly miserable, it would be a lot easier.
The full length of our troubles has been around three months (maybe longer in his head). He moved out about a month and a half ago, though. I don't know what he's open to. I think he's knows it's ridiculous and unfair. I think he also knows he has a ton of issues. But he's just totally lost at this point and can't figure out where to begin. Maybe he'll never deal with it and I'll leave and he'll live the rest of his life like this. Who knows.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
Just want you to know I'm thinking of you and I lover you.