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Serious problem...I think? I need some advice from married women!
Alright...this is very embarrassing, but I've come to my wits end about how to solve the problem. I know this is "The Nest" which is for married women, but there isn't a discussion board dedicated to this topic on "The Knot" and I need some advice from women who have been there and done that, so to speak.
Here it goes...my fiance and I have been together a year and a half. We just got engaged a few weeks ago. The first several months, almost year, of our relationship we couldn't keep our hands off of eachother. I know that the first year or so is typically the "honeymoon" phase. But this is different, I'm still attracted to him (obviously) and I'm ready to hit the sack any chance we get....he, however, is not so enthusiastic about it. I know he's not cheating on me, we live together, his behavior isn't suspicious, he doesn't work late, whenever he isn't at work he is usually at home. But the past few times we've had slept together, he's....lost the urge....if you get my drift....right in the middle of it. He says he's still attracted to me, but that sex isn't that important to him anymore. It's strange to me, this sudden change of heart. And it scares me to think that in less than a year we're getting married and it might only get worse from here on out. I've tried doing the sexy lingerie, the toys, the being romantic, playing coy and letting him come to me...but nothing helps. I love him so very much and I know he loves me...but I need some SERIOUS advice and help from you ladies. Thanks so much.
Re: Serious problem...I think? I need some advice from married women!
This sounds like my Fiance and I. Except for the "lost urge". I would agree with the other lady, that it may be stress.
My Fiance just doesn't have the high sex drive that I do. For about the first year we were always going at it. But now it is about once a week. I would sit down with him, and talk to him about it. (Easier said than done, I know...) Just let him know that you are worried about him, and maybe he will mention what the problem really is? If he is worried to, maybe he should see a doctor? I heard that sometimes men get low testosterone levels and it is easily fixed. Good luck!
Don't marry him until you resolve this issue to your satisfaction.
What do you mean when you say he lost the urge mid-sex? Does he lose his erection? Does something else happen? Is he giving signals that he's not interested in finishing?
If he's losing his erection during sex, he needs to see a doc. It could be an organic problem -- circulatory problem, cardiac condition, hormonal problem or his thyroid.
If a complete physical rules out something organic, it may be psychological in nature. See a sex therapist.
Other things could be at play here: maybe he's decided the sex department isn't important to him, maybe he's gay --- again, you need to make sure he sees a doc.
And you also need to address what's happening with him. Have a long and frank talk and don't shy away from the topic. He needs to work on this with you.
If it's not medical in nature and you've seen a sex therapist and/or he doesn't want to do anything about the problem, I suggest you rethink this guy. If sex is important to you, do not marry somebody who is not on the same page as you in the bedroom department. Marrying somebody makes all problems permanent. GL.
Do not marry him unless this gets solved. This will not get better unlessyou fix it now. It doesnt matter if it is stress, it still needs to be fixed and her needs to get a physical.
Completely agree, stressed out due to his responsibilites and/or medical. Just stay open and communicate and encourage him to do the same. This is probably just a cycle, you all will figure it out!
So I have to respond because this has been on my mind lately. DH has never been overly into sex he is not one of those guys that has to have it. I on the otherhand am a hornball! We have been together for four years (married for 1.5) and our sex has lessoned even more but we have become closer in other ways.
I know my husband has some issue that he doesn't even know about (psychological) because he has been like this with every relationship. Sometimes it does get to me and I have to ask him if he is happy and still into me.
Now that I'm pregnant we have had sex maybe three times mainly because I haven't wanted it. Just this past month I have wanted it and DH has not recipricated. My feelings get hurt and I wonder if he is attracted to me. We are working on it and I do communicate how I feel. This is something I knew about before we married and choose to deal with.....
My question to you is, can you handle it?
Has he become less active with day to day hobbies and activites since the two of you have been together? If he has become kind of a couch potato that could be affecting his sex drive. The way you say he doesn't seem interested suggest to me that maybe he just doesn't have the stamina he once had. And, just out of curiosity, does he masturbate? I think some people masturbate just because its quicker, and less work, and if he still doing that, it means the urge is still there, which is good, and its not about you, its about him.
As women we have grown up with men doing everything they can to get in our pants, and when that is not the case with the one person who we want in our pants, it affects our self esteem. We or at least me, need sex because in my mind, if my sex life is healthy, then my marriage is healthy. This may not be the way other women think, but it is how I feel. And also, it lets me know that my husband still finds me attractive. Sex is important in a relationship, and this definately should be addressed and handled before you are married, but I wouldn't worry, I think that you two will work it out and you will be rockin that maritial bed right off the rail in no time:)
good luck
Ok...time to have a talk - but outside the bedroom. Do it in the middle of the day, on a non-work day in a very non-sexual environment. Like at the dinner table.
Always frame everything in a positive fashion. Say things like "I really love the sex we have. You are a wonderful lover. I would like to have more of that really hot sex of ours. How can we make that happen?" Now listen to his answer!
Don't go to "Don't you find me attractive anymore?" or "Why won't you have sex with me?" That is going to shut him down and won't give you the answers you will need to improve your sex life. Talk about your favorite sexual memories and compliment him on the things he does in bed that really get you going. Everyone wants to hear positive things about their sexuality and I bet that the one night that things didn't work has really put a dent in his ego -- kind of the same way you are feeling undesirable since your sex life has gone down.
Ask him if there are times of the day that he feels more sexual. Perhaps he is a morning guy and you have been having sex at night. Perhaps he would be interested in different kinds of sex (quickies, shower sex, kinky). Perhaps he is just too tired during the week and you guys will have mostly weekend sex. Perhaps you guys need to get away for a night or two to recharge your batteries. Maybe he wants to watch porn or talk dirty with you.
Now, make sure you listen to him without projecting insecurities into the conversation. He may tell you that he wants to think about his answers. Make an appointment for the next day to finish the conversation. Don't expect to go and have sex right afterwards. But I think that you will get a better understanding of what is going on in his mind and that will help you guys improve this situation.
I feel like I've been having the same problem. DH and I have been married for almost 3 months now and I was expecting him to be all over me, and he isn't. He says that he's always in to it when we try to have sex, but sometimes it feels like he's just doing it because he thinks I want him to or because it's what needs to happen, not because he's overcome with desire, or whatever.
We waited until we were married to have sex, so we didn't have problems like these before. I don't know what to do. I feel like everytime I try to talk to him about it, it just makes him even more stressed/upset/whatever about it, but I'm still upset and want to try to fix whatever communication breakdown we're having that's leading to this.
I'm at a complete loss.
My DH and I have been together for 7yrs but only married for 3months. The first 2yrs of our relationship we had sex every chance we got, no matter the time of day.
Once we got out of the honeymoon stage sex became less requent. Our lives got busy, stress started to pile up. I was the one who could have cared less if we had sex.
I went and spoke with my doctor because I found it was putting a strain on our relationship. My doctors advice was to go with it! If my DH made to advance for sex I was to not fight and even if I wasn't in the mood to force myself to have sex. She said once you let everything else in you life go and let yourself relax and enjoy sex it won't seem like such a chor or like you're forcing yourself.
So DH husband and I started making date nights where we would go out to a movie or dinner and come home and have sex, whether neither one of us wanted to or not.
I really think my doctors advice saved our relationship, we got married 3 months ago and enjoy a very healthy and active sex life.
Hope the advice helps