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my flameworthy confession (be gentle)
So I am really bummed about something right now... but I'm even more bummed that it has me bummed in the first place. If that makes any sense...
Here's the thing. My best friend is pregnant. And this one has somehow hit me differently than any of my other friends' announcements. Other than a few of you ladies here, I don't have ANY married friends that don't either have kids, are pregnant, or are TTC. With the vast majority falling into the first 2 categories. I love my friends and I love their babies and I love being excited with them. But it was ok because I had this friend who I hung out with all the time and we have fun and our husbands get along so we can all hang out together too and everything was great.
And then she got pregnant and I am so happy for them but I am so scared about our friendship changing. Which of course it will change, because babies change your life and they are important and special and far more important than us getting together every week to make fajitas and watch grey's anatomy. I know that, but there's the selfish part of me that is mourning what we are going to lose. And I feel so awful that I feel that way.
So for months now, even before her BFP, I have been planning a camping trip to the Everglades for Feb with her and her husband and another couple. I just found out that while I was on vacation she made plans for her dad to come visit that weekend. OK, maybe being knocked up now she decided camping wasn't gonna cut it. But then I find out she wants me to throw the shower I offered to throw that weekend while her dad's here. Which basically means the whole trip has to be cancelled. I'm so sad because I feel like this is just the beginning of everything changing. And I'm not in any way trying to say I should be more important or that I'm not really super happy for her. I'm just sad for me...
I was a little nervous to post this cause so many of you guys are pregnant or new mommies. I hope I haven't offended anyone. I love all of you and your babies. I'm just trying to be honest about how I'm feeling and I had to get it out somewhere or I felt like I was going to explode. Thanks for listening.
Re: my flameworthy confession (be gentle)
Definitely not flameworthy - it really sucks when friendships change and you don't feel as connected. That doesn't mean that you love her any less and it doesn't make you a bad friend because you're bummed about it. I'm sorry you are going through this, it is hard
I can tell you this though - there is some light at the end of the tunnel. It took me a while to get back to where I was comfortable going out with my girlfriends, but its rare that I miss girls dinners and stuff now. It took me about a year and a half to get there, but it's made me realize how much I need them in my life for me to be happy and hopefully when this baby comes, I don't forget that.
Totally not flameworthy.
I think it's understandable to be sad that your friendship is going to change. My sister just went through the same thing recently when she got pregnant. Her best couple friend just started acting so weird and distant, but Kris kept trying to reach out. Now they're okay, but it takes some adjusting. As long as you stay normal about it then it's up to her to reciprocate.
I think it's crappy on her part that she's changing plans on you and expecting you to change your schedule to suit her. Just because you're pregnant doesn't mean you come first. My sister called to see if we could do my shower one weekend in May, I hoped for the next weekend due to travel arrangements, but she didn't want to do it then so I changed my plans because after all, she's hosting a shower for me, I'm thankful for that and don't want to inconvenience her.
I couldn't agree more. It kills me when women get pregnant and then all of a sudden expect the entire world to revolve around them. I'm not saying your friend is doing that at all, but my cousins wife did and it drove me crazy.
exactly
I don't see why she wants you to change the date just because her dad is going to be there. Who was to say that the shower you were going to throw was co-ed anyway.
Why can't you still go camping? When is she due? I guess if you were to pick a date that was get close to the due date, then I would see why she wouldn't want to go. But I wouldn't see why she still couldn't go to the camping trip. I guess everyone is different in pregnancy tend to be whiners.
Have you talked to her about your feelings? Once you have a baby, spending time with friends to change, but it doesn't have to stop. I personally still have just as much fun as I did when I wasn't pregnant. I either carry him with me or leave him at home. That person still has to be them. I hope that everything will work out with the friendship and things don't change too drastically.
Ummm...the only thing I find flameworthy here is the part bolded above.Does she somehow not realize that it's the same weekend? That's pretty rude on her part. I can understand why you feel the way you do. You can be bummed for you and still happy for her. It doesn't make you a bad friend.
Wow, so, knowing you guys already had a camping trip planned, she bailed on you (which I don't necessarily blame her for--camping while newly pg would not be even on the radar of my radar) BUT THEN is pressuring you to throw her a shower on that particular weekend, so now you can't go either? Ummmmyeah. That's just plain rude. You have nothing to apologize for if you feel irritated about that. Why can't she just have a little gtg with her dad? Why does she have to make you throw her a party AND cancel your trip? How presumptuous. I would really think twice before I agreed to that if I were you.
As for the rest, it's understandable that you feel that way. Any time a friend makes a new life step before us, it's a hard adjustment, whether they get married first or have babies first or whatever. Pregnancy itself changes things because you're tired or don't feel well and it's hard to convince yourself to go out, even if you want to. At least that was the way it was for me. And then the baby makes it even more complicated to get together or go out or escape for a night.
It's hard from both ends--you can't just throw something last minute together anymore and bond with your one childless friend, and she can't count on feeling well or not having to account for the baby before seeing you. But like Kristen said, it's most likely a temporary thing. Eventually she'll want to get out again and make fajitas and watch TV, as long as you both keep up your friendship and/or she doesn't turn into one of those annoying people that don't speak to others that aren't at their particular life stage.
Just realize, she is still herself. When I got pregnant, all the sudden a lot of people acted like I was Pregnant Person and not me, and dropped me like a hot potato. Or would only ask me about the baby and not about anything else. I tried to remain balanced as best I could, even though I wasn't well enough to get out much, and that really annoyed me. That's not saying she'll be the same, because some women do get that egocentric thing going on, but it doesn't have to all be about the baby.