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Don't know where to turn...
I'm 26 and I've been with my husband for three years but only married four months ago. I've been doubting and regretting our decision. I feel like we don't communicate well, we're always snapping at each other. It's almost as though we've forgotten how to be nice to each other. Our sex life is awful... barely happens and when we are intimate it's because I feel guilty for depriving him. It's like a switch flipped and I don't know how to get back the former happier versions of ourselves.
I had strong doubts when we were engaged but I thought it was normal... I'm not so sure it is anymore. I remember the day he proposed I felt sick to my stomach. I'm afraid I've made a huge mistake... I don't have any friends who are married and therefor no one to compare notes with. Most people tell me this should be the happiest time in my life, but instead I'm filled with conflict.
Also, about one month ago I was contacted by my first love. He was unaware I got married and wrote me a letter confessing his love for me still. When I recieved and read the letter I felt as though not a day had passed between us. I felt an overwhelming amount of love for him and a huge regret that it was not him I had chosen to spend my life with. I of course then felt incredible guilt. I'm afraid that the love I shared with him is nothing like the love I have for my husband (in a bad way). My husband feels more like a best friend than anything else.
I guess I'm looking for advice. Opinions that aren't my own scewed up thoughts repeating themselves. Has anyone had a hard time in the beginning of their marriage? and if so did it get better? I'm seriously thinking about leaving my husband and moving home with my parents. All the help you can offer will be most appreciated.
Re: Don't know where to turn...
No, your feelings are not normal. You ignored them when you were engaged so I suggest you do something about them now. Get into some counseling to figure out why you married someone you weren't in love with.
Don't spend your life in a marriage you are unhappy with. If you decide to end your marriage I would strongly recommend not jumping onto a relationship with an old flame. Spend some time by yourself. Like a year or more.
You're marriage either needs some serious help or you should get out of it. You shouldn't deprive yourself or you husband of a happy future just because you made a promise.
Welcome to the ups and downs of married life. Everybody glamarizes the journy to marrage but few prepare for after the wedding.
As for communication........well women and men speak the same language but the words have different meanings.
The grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. My DH ran across his old flame not once but twice a few months ago. First meeting he was rather glum afterwards but the 2nd time they bumped into each other. She was in full blown "Drama Queen" mode over some little thing. DH came home with a huge smile on his face and glad he dropped the b*tch.
I felt all of these things, too (but not the old flame part). Been talking about it over on the "Starting Over" board for the past week or so.
I've also shared the blog I just started. (I've linked you to the beginning.) I feel like you might find it interesting --- I certainly see some similarities in your story (from what you've put here).
What I'll say here is that it is very important for you to evaluate how you feel about your husband SEPARATELY from how you feel about this old flame. I know it's hard, trust me (read the blog, ugh). But you'll feel better about your decision regarding BOTH relationships if you're honest with yourself and don't let comparisons play into it. In my opinion, a person should only leave her relationship with her husband if she doesn't like it for what it is, and she'd rather be alone than with him. Comparisons like this are unhealthy and lead to bad decisions, in my opinion. Thinking about it this way has helped me think rationally about my own situation, anyway.
I know it sucks, but counseling is a good idea. Figure out a good way to get your thoughts out -- journal, talk with good friends, therapy, &c. Be honest with yourself. Good luck.
I dont want to offend anyone so please dont take it that way. Please read this with understanding. Note this is my personal belief maybe not a "suggestion" but this is how I feel about the situation. As a Christian woman I take the view of marriage very seriously, and not something that can be dropped easily. Marriage is full of ups and downs, crazy twists and turns, a constant emotional rollercoaster, messy, complicated relationship. It is very important to communicate, even when you're tired, angry and confused. Upon choosing a mate I believe you should break all ties with any previous flame of ANY kind, bringing them or memories of them into the relationship will only create struggle with the spouse. Because often times you wonder "what if...". If one finds that they can not communicate enough to solve conflicts or issues then counseling or therapy should be the next place to turn. If you feel it is an issue with yourself then you should seek counseling alone, however if it is a marriage issue, then you should seek counseling together. After all when I took "the vows" I took them literally "until death do us part". It is very important to have some sort of support system, friends, relatives, people in an association you are involved in, co-workers, but some system you can lean on. Even though you husband is your "best friend" you should have others to inspire, encourage, and coach you as well. This is all I have to say, and although it is not advise of any kind this is simply how I feel about the topic. Please remember you aren't being judged in anyway, you have taken the imitation to seek advice therefore you realize there is an issue somewhere.
You do not love this guy you never did. You shouldnt have married him in the first place so there is nothing to fix. You cant fix or inspire to fix something that isnt there.
Cut your losses and get out now. Do not fantasize about your X, because that is all it is a fantasy.
Your age?
Mags she's 26.
OP, If you felt sick when he proposed, you shouldn't have gotten married. That's not a normal reaction to a marraige proposal you say yes to. I agree with the others though that you need to take some time to yourself before getting into a relationship with anyone else. Don't leave one man to run back to another. He's your ex for a reason.
As suggested above, talking to a therapist may help you sort out your feelings. You should not stay in a relationship with someone you are not happy with. If you decide you defiently are not happy and would be better off out of the marriage then you need to talk to your husband.
And I agree with others don't run away from your marriage to go back with your 'ex' that you may have feelings for still. You may realize you made a huge mistake, and can never take that back.
You have to take time and figure out your feelings and thoughts. Can you take a vacation by yourself or sometime off?
Please just remember that you only live ONCE- and you only get ONE change to be happy. If you are not happy then its time to do something that will make you happy. You cannot hold on to something that isn't making your life better. There are people out there that will give you the "butterflies" that you and HE deserves. Never sell yourself short- never give up on what you want- and NEVER EVER let someone else hold you back from living the life you want.
I totally sound like a commercial right now- sorry- I just tell all my friends the same thing- You cannot live your life if you are unhappy. You only get this one chance!
You don't need to spend the rest of your life being unhappy. That being said, I think that you should explore every possible option before you decide your marriage is over.
This may not be your style, but we really loved the "5 love languages" book. It gives great advice both for couples having serious problems and couples who have no complaints and just want to try to make each other even happier. The basic idea is that you might not feel and give love in the same way, which can frustrate you and make you feel like your partner doesn't care about your efforts.
Finally, some of the times that we are the most happy as a couple are the "best friend" times and not the "romantic" times...you will not feel like a Nicholas Sparks character 100% of the time no matter who you marry.