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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
MIL Taking Charge of My Pregnancy
If you've ever seen the tv sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond, that is my life in a nutshell. Hubby and I live just four doors down from his family....and I am sooo ready to move right now. Throughout the whole pregnancy, MIL has been nonchalant about it, but now that it's crunchtime and I've only got about 3 1/2 weeks left until my due date, she's been taking TOTAL control over every aspect of my pregnancy and it's driving me INSANE! I have been sick this weekend so I've been sleeping a lot, and she's been in and out of my house the whole weekend putting the baby room together...I woke up to a completely finished nursery...now, on one hand I should be thankful that I don't have to worry about it I guess....but I can't help but feel like she stole that fun part of the pregnancy where you're preparing the room for the baby. She took over the baby shower, my mother wanted to do it, so they agreed to co-host...but now my mom is totally out of the loop because MIL has already picked out everything. She barges into my house whenever she wants, doesn't wait for me to open the door....she makes my family feel bad because they haven't done much to help us get ready for the baby, but she hasn't given them the CHANCE to. I'm just so frustrated with her that I want to tell her to back off. She's taken away all the fun aspects of my pregnancy and brags about what she does for us. I just don't know anymore...the only person she hasn't offended in some way is my husband. The only time I tried to tell him that I was frustrated with her, he jumped down my throat and made me feel bad that I was complaining about her helping us. Any tips? Should I just keep my mouth shut and let her run the show? Or should I say something to her?
Re: MIL Taking Charge of My Pregnancy
If that is how you want to live your life? Your DH needs a boot to his butt if he jumps down your throat about what she is doing that bothers you. I think you can tell her in a loving way (fake it) that you would like to have the opportunity to do those things for your baby. Tell her you appreciate her help, but she needs to ask first.
You need to have a very frank talk with your DH about what happens when the baby arrives. It is going to get a whole lot worse. Boundaries need to be set up and both of you on the same page. You have your work cut out for you. Lock your doors! Don't even answer it or tell her it is not a good time, keep repeating not a good time. Move asap.
First, go back through your post and edit it so it has some paragraphs. Large blocks of text like that are impossible (nearly) to read.
Where is your husband in all of this? What does he say about his mother's behavior?
The thing about people "taking over your life" is that they only have as much control as you let them have. How does she get into your house? Does she have a key? If so, and you want her to stop barging in, take the key away. She won't give it back? Change the locks.
She comes in because the door is unlocked? Lock it. She knocks and you're not ready for company? Don't open the door. She barges in unannounced? Tell her this is a bad time and ask her to leave. Avoid all of these scenarios by having your H ask her to call before she comes over.
This will only get worse once there is a baby involved.
You and your H need to set some firm, solid boundaries right now and be prepared to enforce them every single time.
Another 21 year old beebee...and here's another reason why beebees should not marry...
Why are you and he living near her? For love of mike, MOVE!
And make it at least a county away.
And grow a pair --- NOBODY permits her inside the home if you say no to her. You whine "oh she's in and out..." Did you perchance happen to leave the front door wide open? Peanut: you lock it, you do not answer it if you are not expecting her. Problem solved.
In every other sentence, it's "I" and "MIL." WHere is your H in this? Standing down? Great; you'll have 2 infants to take care of in about a month.
This has ceased to be a MIL problem; it is now an H problem. He needs to back you in this and since he is not, bad news.
Have you had trouble with inlaw boundaries before your pregnancy?
Would I say something, yes, but after you have a conversation with your husband. Someone coming into my house unannouced (while I'm sleeping nonetheless) would be a problem. I understand inlaws wanting to help, but there are limits to when "helping" flips into "meddling". Setting up the new nursery would be something I would want to do myself with my husband.
You referenced your MIL not letting your family help you with the pregnancy. How is she not giving them a chance? We have no kids so I'm not sure as to what this could entail. My thought is that you indicate when you want someone involved and when you don't.
It sounds like you and your husband are not on the same page. He sees your MIL's involvement as help and you see it as crossing a line. Without some sort of compromise with your husband it will be difficult to make headway in terms of inlaw relations. Especially since (in my opinion) conversations about inlaw relations should be started by the biological child (in your case, your husband). Perhaps you and your husband should sit down and identify those behaviors that really bug you and what an effective compromise would be.
Why does she have a key to your house?
Does your H really know how irritated you are? He absolutely needs to support you, not take her side. It sounds like it is time for a long talk with him regarding his boundaries with his mother.
It also sounds like it is time for you to say something to her the next time it comes up.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
You have a completly furnished nursery. Great, right? No?
Then change it. It's your home. Your baby. And your choice. You live there. Make it what you want. Period.
Yea - I can tell you if you can't handle this, you're not going to fare well once the kids come living that close to her.
You need to find your voice though. MIL is only doing what MIL is being allowed to do. If no one speaks up, allows themselves to feel bad, then what is she supposed to do? Read their minds? There is no way that I would allow an interloper to plans I had for my daughter's babyshower.
You need to be frank with her that you do not want her barging into the home without waiting for you to answer it.
You need to forgive and forget the putting together of the nursery. It's not worth it as it can not now be undone.
Your mother needs to insert herself more strongly into the party planning.
I understand and support your discussing things with your husband, but I do not support giving frustrations to a husband and expecting him to take care of MIL. Was he reacting to how you framed the scenario? Was he reacting to what could have looked like a wife pitting her husband against his mother rather than asking for insight? Was he having a particularly stressful day and it just unloaded on you during a particularly stressful time for you? I don't know how to read what your husband's reactions were and why. This isn't something he should have been brought into, though, just based on what you've shared. It should be taken care of by you and the individuals at the moment it needs to be addressed.
If you've ever seen the tv sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond, that is my life in a nutshell. Hubby and I live just four doors down from his family....and I am sooo ready to move right now. Throughout the whole pregnancy, MIL has been nonchalant about it, but now that it's crunchtime and I've only got about 3 1/2 weeks left until my due date, she's been taking TOTAL control over every aspect of my pregnancy and it's driving me INSANE! I have been sick this weekend so I've been sleeping a lot, and she's been in and out of my house the whole weekend putting the baby room together...I woke up to a completely finished nursery...now, on one hand I should be thankful that I don't have to worry about it I guess....but I can't help but feel like she stole that fun part of the pregnancy where you're preparing the room for the baby. She took over the baby shower, my mother wanted to do it, so they agreed to co-host...but now my mom is totally out of the loop because MIL has already picked out everything. She barges into my house whenever she wants, doesn't wait for me to open the door....she makes my family feel bad because they haven't done much to help us get ready for the baby, but she hasn't given them the CHANCE to. I'm just so frustrated with her that I want to tell her to back off. She's taken away all the fun aspects of my pregnancy and brags about what she does for us. I just don't know anymore...the only person she hasn't offended in some way is my husband. The only time I tried to tell him that I was frustrated with her, he jumped down my throat and made me feel bad that I was complaining about her helping us. Any tips? Should I just keep my mouth shut and let her run the show? Or should I say something to her?
First of all, move. Second, tell MIL to stop buying stuff for the baby shower and to go shopping with your mom ( if your mom can stand this woman). Third, LOCK YOUR DOORS. Obviously, your husbad isn't going to say anything? So tell her to back off.
If you're 3-4 days from term (i.e. 37 weeks), and you haven't done "the fun part of pregnancy" (i.e. create a place for your child to live) I can totally see where she felt compelled to take over as you haven't prepared very well for parenthood. This could be a concern if your not feeling well is a harbinger that delivery is imminent.
If your husband hasn't stepped in thus far, it's because he's probably relieved and grateful for her involvement. But you probably knew this before you married.
This is complete BS. DH and I didn't have a fully furnished nursery when our dd was born. The baby slept in a bassinet for the first 3 months of her life - we had plenty of time to decorate the nursery once we knew we had a girl.
However, I do see a bit if hypocricy with the OP - if it's so much fun that you are devestated someone else took it over, why didn't you do it earlier? Usually, people do the things that they enjoy. The fact that you didn't makes me question how meaningful this project REALLY was for you.
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she only does what you ALLOW her to do. change your locks/lock your doors, if she barges in ask her to leave, don't LET her do the baby room stuff or anything if you want to do it. why do you let this continue?
Full term is 37 weeks meaning baby could come anytime.
And yeah, I get that baby doesn't need a room finished, my son's wasn't. But if the DH felt it needed done, he was probably happy mom stepped in. As always, this is a DH problem> It's complicated mom being 21 and not standing up for herself.
Given that she was all about her baby shower, I'm guessing she's not Jewish. Aside from the fact that she's 21 and got married in WV, most of the traditional Jews I know have everything on order and are planning to have someone else do the actual installation of the nursery while mom is in the hospital. Nice try, but I don't think so.
The real problem here is your husband. No, you should not just keep your mouth shut, and yes, you should say something to your MIL, but more importantly, you need to talk to your husband and HE needs to say something to her.
Clearly, the two of you have communication issues. You're miserable yet you've only spoken up about it once, and when you did speak up, he had no respect for your feelings. You need some counseling to figure out how to talk to each other (which is something that should have been addressed BEFORE you got married), and then get on the same page and present a united front to his mom.
In the meantime, keep your doors locked at all times, and when she knocks tell her, "I'm sorry, but now is not a good time. I wish you had called first so you didn't make an unnecessary trip over here." Or just don't answer the door. Tell her she needs to call before coming over.
Why did you choose to live so close to your in-laws?
Yes, but you think if it was a "I think it is unlucky" thing, she would have mentioned it in the initial post. Ditto if she was waiting to find out what colors to do once the baby was born. She was complaining about MIL ruining her fun, but if it's such a fun project, why did she put it off?
I never 'nested," so I don't think that means you are not ready for a baby!
I don't get why OP hasn't set up the nursery. Maybe some wait until after the baby is born, but I found it was harder to get stuff done with a newborn around the house. It's much easier to take an afternoon and set up the nursery when you're not sleep deprived and have to give your kiddo a half hour feeding every 2 hours. Like I said, it's hard to get stuff done after they arrive. So I'm sure MIL thought she was doing you a favor.
I think some of the stuff your MIL is doing is innocent enough. Setting up the nursery was trying to help. The shower is also trying to help. Maybe your mom isn't being assertive and saying, "I'll do A, B and C and you do X, Y and Z." Is your mom just standing in the background having hurt feelings because MIL is not going out of her way to include her?
The barging into the house thing has got to go. You need to tell your DH that you're taking away the keys. If they do not respect boundaries enough to knock and wait for you to let them inside, then they do not have the privilege of having keys to the house. If they want to keep the keys, they don't let themselves inside without your permission. End of story.
It will get worse after you have the baby unless you nip it in the bud now. How pleasant, to have your boob hanging out because it hurts or because you're mid feeding and your ILs walk in. Fun times!
I feel like I live in the same sitcom as you but fortunately my DH is more the Robert in the scenario. MIL literally runs BIL's life down to washing his underwear and having sleepovers at his house(she lives 2 min away). BIL has a son and MIL is so invasive in his life she drove SIL away and they are now split up. BIL is beyond the example of a classic mamas boy and would never EVER take SIL side over his dear mother.
That said, I highly suggest you definitely do NOT keep your mouth shut, but prepare yourself for a fight with DH. You need to get him on the same page as you and is sounds like he is instantly gonna side with MIL but you need to persist until he sees your point of view. Be very tactful in the things you say about MIL but stand your ground. He is likely to defend her if you say anything bad about her so make it about how the situation makes you feel more than her being the bad guy. However... if you do not stand your ground before this baby comes you will be even more stressed out when baby comes. AND if you don't, she will RUN your life.
Also, I cant help but say MIL walking into house is completely unacceptable and needs to be stopped IMMEDIATELY. I'm assuming she has a key, the locks need to be changed ASAP if that is the case.
I've lived with my MIL before and she never entered my room/bathroom without permission. I've also lived 2 miles away from her. She didn't enter our apartment unless invited or we were OOT and she was caring for our cat.
Have a heart-to-heart with your H - tell him that this must stop now and you need to be on the same page so that you can confront her together. I wouldn't pass the buck off to your H because he seems like a momma's boy who would give in if she started to push. If neither of you can do this, go to family counseling and get it out there - you can see a pastor at your church if that's more comfortable than a therapist. You have to do something.
If you really care about your life, baby, and marriage, you need to learn stand up for yourselves. You're the parents of the child, you're adults (although you both are acting like beebees). Change the locks if she has a key or start locking your door. Your home is your castle, not your MIL's.
As everyone else said, it's only going to be a million times worse when the baby comes if you do not get this ironed out now.
I know how you feel! I have a very similar MIL, and I posted about this in another forum. People told me to grow a spine, but they honestly don't know the whole situation to make that kind of judgement. My point is, don't let someone be rude to you in a situation they don't completely understand.
We are also going to try to start a family this spring, so I am worried of going through something simliar. Lucky for me they live far away, but when they come to visit it is a nightmare! As of right now, this is our game plan on dealing with my MIL in the near future to set some boundaries...hope this helps you!
1) Hubby and I had a long conversation about why this bothers me (as a woman...sometimes guys just don't get it), how it makes me feel, and what I want and don't want out of their next visit. We discussed boundaries...what is ok, and what is absolutely not. We also discussed how this can affect our marriage in the long run if her lack of boundaries do not change. I also stressed (calmly) how his lack of action was making me feel as if he were choosing his mother over his wife.
2) Hubby is going to talk to FIL soon so he can pass the "word" along in advance before their next visit.
3)Hubby is going to talk to MIL as soon as she gets here so she understands the boundaries.
4) If that all doesn't work, we will sit her down together and tell her she is not welcome back to our home if she cannot respect our house rules and boundaries. (After we tell her and she blows off our requests..I take that as being disrespectful).
Sorry this is kind of long, but hopefully our method might be helpful to you in setting some boundaries. Good luck! You are seriously not alone!
How does your comment have anything to do with loolee's post?
Pretty much everything.
To speak more clearly, I was only making a point that men and women think differently. The fact that someone else doesn't have this MIL problem had nothing to do with her post, and is not helping her find a solution.
I am glad there are strangers out there who don't know my husband and are still able to criticize though, thanks.
Different people think differently, regardless of gender, so it's simply not helpful to say, "Well, this is just how men think." Obviously, men don't all think the same way, which is what I was trying to point out by comparing your husband to my husband. You have a specific problem with your husband, and the OP here has a specific problem with her husband. It's got nothing to do with them being men and everything to do with them being spineless, too attached to their mothers, and inconsiderate of their spouses' feelings.
I don't understand why you would post your situation on the internet and ask strangers to assess it, and then get offended when they oblige. If you don't want people judging your husband, don't put the details of your personal life out there and ask people what they think about it.
"Well, this is just how men think."
Please do not quote something I didn't say. That is not how I meant it either....thank you.