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Porn and...am I over reacting? looong sorry :(
I know, I know... there are a lot of mixed opinions about this subject I just need a reality check on my personal situation, be it that I am overreacting or that I have a legitimate concern... its just such a tough subject I felt most comfortable coming here, this may be long sorry
Ive lurked through other posts on this topic I just feel that none of them were dead on with my situation.
A little background, my FI and I have been together an year and a half, engaged since Christmas. He is an absolutely fabulous guy, bottom line, we have great communication and have always worked our way out of disagreements, He makes me feel so special and lucky. In the beginning, as with most couples, things were super spicy, we had sex every day, pretty much anywhere. Over time that fizzled and we became pretty regular with twice/three times per week, at bed time, usually in the same position, blah.
I know many will assume it is me and I have talked to him about this, he says he is usually just tired it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I am the same me as when we first met, and even now stress free since graduating! I feel like I just want it more. I dress up for him, I try to seduce him, it usually works but I always seem to be the initiator.
Rewind..... about 3 months after we started dating I was on his computer and went into his history to refer to a site (a vacation site or something) we had been on together the day before. To my surprise there was an Overwhelming amount of online porn in his history from all kinds of sites, including those you have to be a member of and can access real time web cams that he watched. The most recent was from that morning when I was still in his bed, some of it totally grossed me out, like *old, old* women (he's 32)... I was just disgusted and had a pit in my stomach that entire day.
That evening I confronted him with the situation referring to my initial instinct that I felt like I just wasn't good enough for him and how in a way It felt for me similar to being cheated on. We talked about it, he was pretty embarrassed and said he'd never do it again. I didn't believe it for a second but assumed maybe he'd take my feelings into consideration. I told him id be comfortable if we did it together, and we have, and have enjoyed ourselves.
About 2 mos later I happened to "peek" at his phone bill that was sitting on the kitchen counter (based on a gut feeling following a guys weekend) and noticed a series of incoming texts at 4 in the morning while he was away on a guys weekend! I again confronted him and evidently it was a "girl he used to sleep with, nothing more" who happened to be the bartender at the private house party they were at!! (this was all discovered through what turned into a pretty heated blowout) he had deleted the messages which I assumed were pics of her as many came through back to back to back without a response from him until a while later. I still don't know the whole truth with that but he claims he was suuuuper drunk, which I believe, however thats no excuse to me and that night was almost the end of us. I chose to forgive him after much more discussion and many tears on both sides.
I know reading this I probably sound crazy but you have to believe me that he has since, and always has been, the most loving and affectionate man to me. We have had no issues or concerns since then (over a year now) and I tend to have a pretty good gut feeling when things just aren't right. Everyone says he talks so highly of me, and I don't doubt for a second that he loves me...
and here it is...but... I'm back to having that feeling like I'm not good enough sexually. Since our first talk about the porn issue we have watched porn together and have explored some of our fantasies. But aside from what has only been a couple crazy (very crazy, involving more than just us) times, we have had that pretty routine sex life I explained above.
I confronted him recently though because it felt like every time wed have sex it felt like in order for him to get the most out of sex he'd want to constantly talk about those *things* and I felt like the focus was off of him and I "making love" (so cliche I know,) and i feel like its my fault for exploring other things with him. I told him I was worried again about not being enough to get him off, he
told me I was being silly and that I turn him on immensely.I told him i don't mind reliving those fantasies while we have sex just not allllll the time. we discussed how our sex life has changed and he said it happens with every relationship, he says that he doesn't want to have sex every day like we used to but it has nothing to do with me. I *know* he would never cheat on me, this is something I am certain of at this point in our relationship.
Over the last week and a half since talking, sex has been fairly quiet, routine, no more crazy talk and he really has yet to initiate he has taken forever more than normal to get hard or get off. Because of this I have been on slight alert and noticed his computer perched on the dining room table (Its been there before I just didn't really think much of it). Though he does use it occasionally he mainly uses it for well, watching porn.
To get to the point, the past week and a half (Ive noticed since i've been paying attention) hes been coming home during the work day and gotten off, deleated the computer history, and throwing the actual evidence in the can next to the table. I come home from work before him so I know hes comes home during the work day when on two occasions Ive cleaned up the room emptying the can and putting his computer in the office, only for him to pull it out the next day and repeat. It is not sooo uncommon for him to come home being that he works on the road, but to get off, and on several occasions not want me later that evening?!
This has just given me such a pit in my stomach I dont even know how to talk to him about it or if I should let it go?! it bugs me because hes said he doesnt want sex every day but he will do this every day without me. I know people like porn, Ive accepted that he does! I just feel like hes doing it because hes lacking something with us, with me, like the idea of fantasy is more exciting than having me for me.
I mean it, I try to keep things spicy, I just wish he had that same desire with me, to be with me like i want to be with him, and even after talking that last time I feel he just doesn't, and if he does like he said he did, why doesn't he act on it?
I guess im just confused and I want this pit in my stomach to go away. I don't know how to talk about the past week and a half with him because I don't want him to think know I've been nosing around. I have this feeling he wont stop, just hide it better in the future. I don't know if its just a lost cause since in other posts Ive read I'm sure he'll tell me he'll stop but not! Its not even that I want him to stop just make me first priority, focus on me sexually and not his fantasies. coming home from work every day is just a bit much in my opinion.
How do I bring this up, I'm just feeling empty, and though I don't show it it just gets worse when it takes forever to get him hard or off because he got off earlier that day 
Just please understand i mean it when i say our relationship is great aside from this, I want to fix it I'm just not sure how to approach it, or if its fixable
gaaaa sorry, and thank you if you got trough all that
Re: Porn and...am I over reacting? looong sorry :(
Do not marry this guy. The texts alone would be enough for me to call off the wedding. Clearly you do not see eye-to-eye with him on the porn thing, and that's fine. This is not an issue that will go away magically after the wedding, and you don't have to settle for a life of having this recurring arguement. Find someone who has the same views as you on porn, and texting ex-fvck buddies for that matter. His habits are effecting your sex life, and he doesn't care enough to stop.
You can do better.
Your relationship isn't great outside of this. You're not connecting sexually, and this relationship makes you feel insecure and crappy. Not to mention that he's a skeevy guy who was obviously cheating on you before.
Call it off. You think now that you'll be sad, but when it hits you that you truly don't have to worry about any of this any more, you'll feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of you.
PLEASE DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY..... What he doing is NOT a reflection on you.... YOU DESERVE BETTER than this guy. The hiding stuff from you.... is a really bad breach of trust.... this will only get worse.... DO NOT MARRY HIM!!
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Are you serious???
Gosh I got flashbacks while reading your post. My ex-fiance was an avid porn watcher (in secret) and I would check his computer to see what he was getting off on and I wanted to PUKE. Ugly old women and sometimes girls too young to be legal. I spent way too much time contemplating the last picture he visited which I know he finished with. I wasted so much time and energy trying to figure his *** out. He would come home from work midday to do it as well. I thought our sex life was great but apparantly his addiction to porn was something separate for him. Turned out he had some other addictions I luckily found out about before putting too much down on deposits for the wedding.
I realize men like porn but I think it can get addictive for some men. I know my ex was an addictive person so if it wasn't porn it was alcohol, weed or coke. I realize your guy is of a different league but if you give him the opportunity to kick his porn addiction to the curb and he can't and/or won't you know what you have to do.
Don't start a marriage with ANY feelings of insecurity. You would just be setting yourself up for misery. Life is too short - there are plenty of other good men out there!
I just need a reality check
You sure do,but it has nothing to do with porn!
A little background, my FI and I have been together an year and a half, engaged since Christmas. He is an absolutely fabulous guy, bottom line, we have great communication and have always worked our way out of disagreements, He makes me feel so special and lucky.
He is NOT a fabulous guy, you do not have great communication, and are you really telling us that him lying, and sneaking around make you feel special and lucky?
Get your head out of your a$$. this guy is a creep. He is a slime bag who HAS probably cheated on you already. You are in such a delusional state that it should be embarassing for you.
. I *know* he would never cheat on me, this is something I am certain of at this point in our relationship.
Really your denial is upsettting.
do yourself a favor...go get some counseling and find out why you are SO desperate for this relationship to work when you know as we all do that this guy is not the guy for you. If you want a man who doesnt watch porn...dont marry one.
You need to find out why you are lving in a delusional naive world...why so desperate?
Unfortunately, porn and cheating a very common problems in relationships and even in marriage. I think that most couples in today's age, include myself and my husband, have had to deal with porn (which for me, is infidelity) at some point.
In today's society, porn is EVERYWHERE and men are practically encouraged by the media, many internet sites, and their friends, to not only look at it, but that it is NORMAL. Unfortunately, my husband was actually raised in a home where his father was ALLOWED by his wife (my MIL) to not only look at porn, but to also go to strip clubs. (How freaking weird is that?!?!) Needless to say, my DH did not even think it was a big deal until I saw it on his computer and flipped out. Fortunately for me, my husband quit when we were still dating and has not done that in years. We openly talked about the problem, sought religious council, and told his family to respect our decision.
However, I'm not sure if all men would make the same choice.
Regardless of whether or not he is watching porn, you have enough evidence that something IS wrong. You have your intuition, his phone records and his very strange behavior for basic proof of some kind of problem.
I have come to realize that when people "feel" that something is wrong in their relationship, they are 99% of the time correct!
If I was in your position, I don't think I would get married. Marriage is VERY complicated and requires your entire life's trust! If you can't even get your "fiance" to be open, honest, and faithful...... then why would you trust him with your entire life? Your future? Your finances? Your (eventual) children?
Calm down. Take a break. See what happens after a few weeks. In any case, he takes advantage of you and does not respect you.
(Not trying to sound harsh- trying to be honest)
If you're afraid to end this relationship because you've already invested too much in it, know that you're never in too deep to get your life back on track. Don't waste the rest of your life in an awful, resentful relationship just because you think it's too late to turn back. He doesn't deserve you, and you deserve better than to marry this jackass.
I went through something similar, though not nearly as drastic. Had I known about some things my husband was doing before the wedding, I wouldn't have married him. I found porn on his computer when I came home from an overnight trip to visit my parents. That completely rocked my trust in him. Even though over a year later he hasn't looked at porn since and swears not to, our relationship will never be the same.
All the crying in the world didn't get my pain and the seriousness of the situation across to my husband. It was my raw anger that got his attention and made him realize how much his actions hurt me and that made him want to change. When I found porn on his computer, I shook with anger and smashed all of our extra ceramic tiles on the patio. I made him come home on his lunch break to talk about it. Knowing that I was redirecting my physical anger into something else when I really wanted to direct it at him definitely woke him up. I was going throw his computer out of the second story window, but it wasn't his computer's fault; it was his.
We have since been able to slowly work through it (our sex life has suffered tremendously because of the lack of trust...and I, too, have a difficult time erasing the discovery from my mind's eye), but it is something that's going to take a lot of time to heal. But I think healing is only a possibility because we've already made the lifelong pact of marriage. If you have the choice to get out before his very sick problem gets worse and hurts you more than it already has, PLEASE get out of this relationship. You won't regret leaving him as much as you'll regret having stayed with him when you find that you're married to a colossal a**hole.
If I haven't already made this abundantly clear, DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY.
This.
This is hardly about "porn" in of itself. Personally, I have nothing against the use of porn in a healthy, open and honest way.
You cannot say something like "our relationship is great outside of this". That is just not how healthy relationships work. This IS your relationship. This is not something external to your relationship. That he is untrustworthy, secretive, that you can't talk to him about it, that he lies, and that he has cheated (I am sure he did), is not something you can just pretend is a inconvenient little thing to "fix" to make everything perfect. This is all symptomatic of what is a GLARING character issue on his part.
If you feel "special and lucky" by him lying and sneaking around, you have some pretty dismal expectations for yourself and the men you date.
My advice? You have been together 1.5 years. You are finally starting to see what he REALLY is about, and what your relationship is about. The honeymoon is over, and it is showing this guy is not that great a guy at all, and nor is this relationship. It sounds like in many ways it has run its course for him too.
Do NOT marry this guy. Or you can basically expect that this is going to be how your relationship is until it ends....which probably will be sooner than you think if he is playing with temptation. You are wanting this relationship to be all sorts of things it simply is NOT, and that is a big red flag that you should certainly NOT be getting married.
The texts would be what would get me, and compel me to call off the wedding.
The porn issue is only an issue for you. I think you have some self esteem issues that you have to work out. There must be something else (aside from the red flag of that cheating issue) that is causing you to feel insecure about fulfilling your husband's desires sexually. Maybe you are worried that he will desert you for the "hotter woman" in his future? Either way there has to be something that is going on that constantly highlights some way that you feel inadequate. Is it just sexual or is there some other emotional concern? If your relationship is awesome the other 95% of the time, and he is so fabulous-- you wouldn't have to spend so many paragraphs stressing to us (without showing us with examples how awesome he is for instance) that he "really is a great guy". Who are you trying to convince? The record stopped for me at the texting/cheating thing.
As far as your FI's selection/taste in porn: Guys (the ones I'm friends with anyway) treat porn like the average person treats take-out. Stay with me here, but essentially if they get an idea into their head randomly that sounds even the slightest bit arousing they'll go find that porn. They'll watch it a bit & see if it works. If it doesn't, then they move on to something more their speed at that moment. Same as if Chinese sounds really great one night and then you look at the menu & decide some other type of fast food is more your speed that night. I don't know that it means he is some horrible freak with twisted desires. The idea occurred to him so he hit the "porn google" to see what it would be like.
I think porn only becomes a problem if it starts to replace a healthy sex life. In this case your husband will still have sex with you frequently. I don't know that it is the main root of the issues so much as it highlights the lack of trust and fear that your FI will betray you again. That is where the real digging has to begin.
I would call off the wedding, honestly. You don't want to give this man another chance to hurt your heart (and your pride/dignity) again. Good luck to you. I wish you the very best. This is difficult.
IMO, this is all you need to know. The fact that you sat down and wrote a post that was that long and detailed shows that you know there are issues. You just have to accept that and do what's right by you.
My heart goes out to you. It is really really hard to make such a life changing decision, I agree with everyone else, it is better now, then after marriage and children. You have one life to live, and it is okay to be a bit selfish and know exactly what you will and will not live with.
I am in a marriage of 12yrs., that the issues that he had before wedding day, are still there, and are really starting to drive me crazy, I have two kids with him that is why I am trying so hard to make it work.
Good luck, and keep us posted.
He needs to either never look at porn again, or you need to get out of that relationship fast!
I believe that porn is very unhealthy for a marriage, and if he has hidden the fact that he was texting a woman he "just used to sleep with," then she's more that just someone from the past.
I honestly hope that you can come to a decision on what to do about marrying him. It would be so sad for you to feel this way for years and years! I hope you find someone who doesn't compromise your trust like that.
Does this:
"and here it is...but... I'm back to having that feeling like I'm not good enough sexually. Since our first talk about the porn issue we have watched porn together and have explored some of our fantasies. But aside from what has only been a couple crazy (very crazy, involving more than just us) times, we have had that pretty routine sex life I explained above."
Mean that you have include another person(S) in your sex life? Has a threesome? And that when you are having sex he refers to the time you/he had sex with XX person?
Please respond b/c my advice to you will be different depending on this.
Oh my...reading this was really close to home for me. I know exactly how you feel because I went through it too. Although, you sound much nicer and more secure than me, because I wasn't nearly so understanding or patient.
When my husband and I first got together ten years ago, we had the same kind of spark that you talk about. We were together for a full year but living in different cities at the beginning of our relationship, and we moved in together after that first year. I didn't realize quite how much he liked porn until I happened to be home one day before him and I needed the computer for something...I think I needed to print something. I looked in the "Recent" folder for my document, only to find several videos and pictures that had been recently accessed. We didn't have internet access at our apartment, so he had actually found these things on the internet somewhere else and saved them to an unlabeled disc. When I dug deeper, I found all kinds of stuff, and like you, some of it he had watched really close to my being around. I confronted him about it, and he was ashamed. He said that as a teenager it became a daily habit to unwind after school, but that he didn't do it all the time anymore. I explained to him that it made me feel like he was cheating on me, that it made me feel like I wasn't good enough, that what he wanted was what he saw in those videos and not me. He assured me that that wasn't the case.
Although our sex life had always been great, I decided to ask him if he wanted to watch porn together. We did, and it was exciting at first, but I quickly saw that it was going to desensitize us both. It stopped being about us making love and it became more about what we were going to watch, so I put a stop to it.
After that, we entered a period of time when we were both so busy that we didn't get to see each other much. I didn't have time to check up on him, so who knows if he watched porn during that time. He probably did. When things slowed down and we were able to reconnect a bit, things were good. He proposed and I said yes. But while we were engaged, he got a text from an ex-girlfriend while I was right beside him, so I saw it. I took his phone, called the girl, and told her to never call again. She told me she'd love to send me some emails that she had exchanged with my fiance about what he wanted to do to her. I confronted him about that, and he admitted it was true, but he said the emails were from years ago. (We'd been together about 5 or 6 years by this time). I flipped out, threw my engagement ring at him, and kicked him out of our apartment. I made him live in a hotel for 3 days. He texted me on the last day and said he needed to come get some extra clothes, so I drove around the corner so I could spy on him while he was there. I saw him go into the apartment, and then come out a few minutes later and walk to the dumpster. I confronted him and asked him what he was doing, and he was throwing away another movie and a couple of magazines. At that point, I had totally had it. I know some people might disagree with me, but I told him he was disgusting and that he had a problem, and that I wasn't getting back together with him until he got help. I told him he could be single with his porn, or he could stop what seemed to be an addiction and fix the relationship he had with me, the REAL person in his life.
He did start seeing a counselor, and things got better, so we got back together and we did eventually get married. We've been married for 3 years now, and I'm pretty certain he doesn't do it anymore. He's a teacher, so he can't look at porn at work of course, and we still don't have internet at home. I'm actually really reluctant to GET internet access at home because I know I'll always be suspicious. And, although it may make me seem like a psycho, I do still check his phone occasionally when he's in the shower or something. I'm not nearly as suspicious now as I used to be, but once a trust is broken, it can't really ever be 100% completely fixed. If he ever gets angry about my being suspicious, he's the one that gave me reason to be in the first place. I've stuck with him because I really love him and he's a wonderful person, and I KNOW he would never actually cheat on me.
So I guess my point for you is that my husband and I worked through it, but not without some confrontations and tears and professional help. That feeling you have in the pit of your stomach is not going to go away on its own. It's not going to get better when you get married. You HAVE to talk about it. If you don't, and you go through with getting married, the feelings you have now are just going to get worse and worse. I don't think you'd want to enter a marriage knowing that this sinking feeling is what you have to look forward to every day when you see the computer out and you empty the trash.
If he was dealing with something, I'm sure you'd want him to talk to you, so do the same. If you go to church, there are counseling options available at lots of churches. There might also be non-religious, anonymous support groups too, similar to AA. It definitely can be an addiction, and you have every right to feel the way you do!
It sounds to me like he might be addicted to porn. Particularly the coming home during work and then hiding the evidence.... I know a lot of men like porn but usually it's more of a fun, entertaining thing - not something they MUST HAVE EVERY DAY.
If you want, you could bring this up to him and suggest counseling... but you don't have to. Even if this is something he can't control, you are not obligated to work through it with him and if it were me I probably wouldn't.
Good luck, whatever you decide
THIS is the only important part of your post. Forget everything else. This is NOT about porn. This is about a man who lies to you, who you don't trust, and have no reason to trust.
Many, Many, Many people (men and women) look at porn (I certainly do, I have (female) friends that do, I have (male) friends that do, my sister does, my DH does, etc.) and Many, Many, Many people do not have a problem with their sex life with their partner because of it. Don't blame the porn, the porn is a red herring. Your sex life with your FI isn't working very well because of something else, the porn is a SYMPTOM, not the disease. The dishonest man is the disease.
I'm not going to say an instant DTMFA, but PP was right, if porn is a dealbreaker for you, this guy is NEVER not gonna look at porn. He will ALWAYS look at porn. If that bothers you to this extent, know that it's never gonna change, and get out, or you will be having this argument over and over and over again. I promise.
But, as I said, I don't think the problem is porn (but then again, I rarely think the problem is porn) I think the problem is a dishonest FI. And I think deep down you know what to do with that.
Chandler Bing
"Everyone makes mistakes. Hell, history's full of 'em. Betamax... Waterworld... your brother who's 16 years younger than you... And there's really no shame in making mistakes. Just as long as nobody knows about them."
Greg the Bunny
A couple of reasons why I think this guy is not ready for a relationship:
a) Honesty: Obviously, there is already an issue with trust and honesty in this relationship. It sounds like he was not open and honest about the porn issue at the get-go. If he loved you enough to propose, he should be willing to share this part of himself with you if it is such an important part of his life that he needs to watch porn daily. He was not up front about the fact that he was going to a party where there would be a girl he used to sleep with. Then he starts texting back and forth with her? Choosing not to mention the truth is pretty much the same as lying, and lying is not a good foundation for a relationship. You need to talk about this with him.
b) The Issue with Porn: I'm not here to tell people whether or not porn is okay, but I would like to point out some big issues with porn in relationships. Porn, like movies, is not real and can desensitize us to what is real and normal. Obviously, a 50-year old movie star who looks like a 20-year old is not normal and has the benefit of fancy lights, makeup, and expensive botox injections to help her appear young. Similarly, porn has the tendency to desensitize people to what is normal and natural with sexuality. While it sounds like you are incredibly brave in the bedroom and very open sexually, your FI has created an environment where you are now competing with the porn for his attention. YOU NEED TO COME FIRST IN THE RELATIONSHIP. It would be one thing if you were simply watching porn together to spice things up or if he watched it once or twice a week. But if he is watching porn way more than he initiates sex with you, it suggests to me that he is now desensitized to a healthy sexual relationship with a real person. Which brings me to another issue with porn: It can become a serious addiction. It sounds like he has already become addicted to porn.
If he is mature and committed to your relationship, then he should not have an issue coming up with an agreed upon plan for addressing the issue with porn, sex, and dishonesty about porn and sex. A recommendation: he agrees not to touch his computer/come home during the day at all to demonstrate his willingness to build a relationship based on trust. Maybe you go with this plan for a month, two months, whatever you think is reasonable and agree to discuss your sex life and your relationship at the end of that period. At least then you will have the opportunity to see if it is really the porn that is bothering you or if there are other issues in your relationship. If he is not willing to do that, then I would say he is addicted to porn and he needs to work out his own issues before you get married.
Wow! after 10 years I find a post of someone who is dealing with the same thing I have...To read the response this late in to my marraige, I am thankful I did not find this post earlier....These people are VERY unsensitive, and have NO clue what your relationship is like....Who are they to say that it is not a wonderful relationship outside of your sex life....I say to those, if your sex life is what makes your marraige, then YOU have a very SAD marraige...If you beleive that your darling husbands NEVER watch porn I say about 98% of you would be SURPRISED!!! There is such thing as private browsing, where the computer dose not track the history...Further if these women are not dealing with this issue exactly what other issues do they face in their marraige, becuase every marraige has it's issues. You are fooling yourself if you think it is perfect and you husband makes you feel like a princess every day.
That being said, I do not agree with what this guy is doing. It is not fair, you do deserve better...Ever person deserves better and the best...But to give up on a guy that you obviously love so much, and have OVERLY proven, is not required...When you love someone you love all of them faults and all...When they have a problem the problem becomes both your problems...To me this is the true test of love...This is the question you need to ask yourself, is it worth it? Is his love worth the pit in your stomach? Is it worth sacraficing whatever your core thoughts are about porn? Is this something you are willing to struggle with and work on for the rest of your life? These are the real questions. If your answer is yes, then don't accept what he is doing but help him. It is not going to be easy but life isn't easy.
I know everyone will have horrible thoughts and things to say about me and my marraige, self esteem and my husband and how I have settled....But guess what I am VERY happily married now for 10 years. My husband is my best friend. I am a very luck woman, my husband is not perfect nor am I but we both work everyday to better ourselves and each other..We have a wonderful family...Some days we fight and argue. Sometimes he forgets to buy my flowers, somedays I forget to wash his work clothes....There is not a day that goes by that I truely beleive he is not the man for me, not a one!!!
Good luck to you, I think you will need it.