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Why does it suck so much to be a grown up?
I don't know if any of you remember me talking about my best friend (and MOH) losing her grandfather and mother and cat all within 3 days, just weeks before the wedding.
Well, some other stuff went down and we all found out a lot of things about the other issues in her life. Because of all of her medical issues (and it's really just a whole 'nother post to talk about that) she's on a lot of prescription drugs. Things got out of hand that week that she had all of those losses. And then they went downhill even more.
The thing that broke the camel's back for me was something I won't get into here. But it involved her being very desperate and taking advantage of someone we've both known for many years. Thankfully, what she had planned didn't pan out, but it was enough to put things over the edge for me. I decided I just had to break it off.
I know in my head that some friendships just run their course and there's nothing you can do about it. Even though we all often think of our friends like they are family, they always aren't and it is a bit easier to remove yourself from a sticky situation. I'm trying to do just that. But it is very hard on me and I know it's hard on her as well. But, at this point, it has to be done. We have nothing in common anymore (other than our fond memories) and I no longer trust her or have any real respect for her.
But I just feel awful. Her birthday is coming up and she messaged me on FB that she would like to go out for a drink this weekend. She really has no friends left. I was one of the last. And I feel horrible that I am going to have to say no. Right now, even if I hadn't decided to distance myself from her, I still would have to say "no"... I KNOW the medications she's on now, I saw all of the bottles and pills firsthand when we went through her bag that night. And I know she's not off of any of them. I just can't go and actively know those things and have a drink with her. It's too scary and I just won't do it.
I guess I am really just venting this to you all. I don't really need anyone to tell me I am right or wrong. I just needed to get it out.
The hardest part is not knowing excatly what to do. Do I just sort of keep my distance and only answers certain questions or inquiries? Or do I go full-balls-out and be 100% honest with her and say all of these things to her? Will that do more harm than good at this point? For her, I mean... emotionally?
Edited: I just had to add that we have really known each other most of our lives. We are both about to be 34 and have been best friends since we were 10. That's a long time and a lot of history and a lot of bad boyfriends and being in love with Bret Michaels and doing too much pot and living together and then realizing we are NOT Larverne and Shirley and getting new jobs and pregnancy scares and 2 weddings and 10 funerals and 6 cats and 3 dogs and a divorce and a long distance friendship... that's our history and it was fun and scary and great. But it's really just over now and it makes me very sad.
Missing our little turkey.
Estimated Due Date 11/13/12 | Natural Miscarriage 4/17/12
Re: Why does it suck so much to be a grown up?
I wanted to let you know that I read this....and I'll be back when i can process this more for you. I've had to do this alot.....hang in there
Getting fit for IVF!
Oh Tisha, that's an awful situation.
A few questions:
1. Do you think she's capable of cleaning herself up (with rehab or whatever is needed)? and if capable, does she see the need to clean herself up?
2. If she did clean herself up would you be willing to have any kind of friendship with her?
I can imagine that if you only respond to certain questions she might get more desperate (there was a response to my earlier question; why won't she answer questions 2, 3, and 4??? I'll ask them again and again and maybe Tisha will respond!), especially if you were one of the last remaining friends.
I'd be torn between avoiding a conflict (however you know it's going to come up some time at some point - you'll run into her or she'll show up unexpectedly), and wanting to be honest. I'd probably go with honesty, so I would know in my heart that I had no regrets - it could make a difference if she hears it from someone who cared about her.
1. Do you think she's capable of cleaning herself up (with rehab or whatever is needed)? and if capable, does she see the need to clean herself up?
Yes, I do. She's fully capable of it. But, a few things over the course of the last few months slipped out that I guess she just thought I knew about, but had no idea. (hearing the words, "I guess they could try methadone, but that's what I OD'd on when I was in San Diego, so probably not." come very nonchalantly out of your friend's mouth is very eye-opening!) So this stuff has been going on for a lot longer than any of us realized. So I do know that it would be very VERY hard work, but she could do it if she put her mind to it. But then you add the medical issues and it just makes it that much harder.
2. If she did clean herself up would you be willing to have any kind of friendship with her?
Yes. Eventually. If she got her life back on track, I would be more than happy to get to know her again. Right now though, I feel like I haven't spoken to the REAL her in a very long time.
Missing our little turkey.
Estimated Due Date 11/13/12 | Natural Miscarriage 4/17/12
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Thank you. You're seriously such a sweetie.
Missing our little turkey.
Estimated Due Date 11/13/12 | Natural Miscarriage 4/17/12
What a tough situation! It broke my heart to read, especially since you two have been through so much together. I think you can just hope and pray that she does what is best for herself. If she would listen to you, maybe point her in the direction of resources that would help her. It seems like she is such an important part of your life so it would be a shame if she wasn't in it anymore, but in the end you need to do what will keep you safe and sane. I think you are only human in feeling awful if you abandon her, but until she realizes herself that she needs to get help she won't get better. Maybe if you remind her that once she takes care of herself, you two can take care of your friendship she will feel more assured. Maybe it will give her a little glimmer of light knowing there will be someone on the other side of this ordeal.
Tisha,
I walked away....I had a friend that was crazy, my friend one year, and not the next, and then my friend again, and telling her parents i was the one who brought acid into their home (we wernt speaking at the time.) The reason I bring her up i because she's still unstable, When I walked, I lost a good friend from high school, who to my best knowledge lost her life due to the alcoholic/energy drink, rushed lifestyle she had adapted from this girl. We'll never know unfortunately as the family wont release the results to anyone. I lost a good friend by walking from the one with the real problem. At the funeral she was a mess, tried to help her again, with no avail....I walked for the final time. I saw her at my friend's baby shower, she had tomato sauce all over her, rubbing her hands over my friend's pregnant belly dropping garlic dip sauce all over herself but trying to be better than everyone all the time, every time i run into her its a lie, a story, and she hasnt changed
The reason I tell you this is twofold. You have to do whats best for you.....until the person can want to change, and really want it, you have to take care of yourself and no matter how hard you try, they have to want it. The second is, be careful how you proceed....make sure you're ready when you walk or you'll play yoyo with her. Clean breaks are best, and if you know her and you live near her, you'll see her alot....so be prepared for when you do
Keep us updated, and let us know what you decide and how it goes
Whatever you decide will be the best choice for you and I wish you the best!
Getting fit for IVF!
I'm sorry, Tisha. It's hard to watch someone you care about fall apart, and it can be difficult to lose someone with whom you have so much shared history. But you have to do what's best for you. I had a very good friend from childhood go through a rough period during college, and it was heartbreaking. Drugs, alcohol, suicide attempts - and that's just the stuff she told me about. At one point, she vanished for weeks, and when she finally called me, she'd been admitted to a mental hospital. I had to back away. I told her that I loved her too much about her to watch her do that to herself, and that if/when she decided she was going to get her act together to call me and I would be there for her. And then I cut ties. It felt like a death, frankly, but I couldn't in good conscience stand by while she destroyed herself, nor could I let her drag me down any further into her mess.
I hope your friend decides she wants help soon. I wish you both the best.