Sex & Romance
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Communication breakdown
My husband and I have been married 2.5 yrs, and have a new 4 mo baby. In the last year we?ve been having a lot of stupid little fights, there?s been a lack of communication, decrease in sex and sex drive, etc, etc. He is very sensitive and difficult to talk to. He gets very defensive to where I feel I have to tip-toe around everything I say and word things very carefully. It?s become ridiculous. There are a number of things we really need to discuss, such as our finances and our love life. I would really like to reconnect and be able to communicate easily, but cannot find a way to do so without it turning into another fight.
We have become more distant and independent from each other, and he is constantly distracted by football, working out, his iPhone, the baby or the dogs. It doesn't help that we work opposite schedules and he works weekend nights.
He is a very caring person, and a wonderful Dad but I feel we are really drifting apart.
I?m just not feeling the love anymore. How do I begin a solid meaningful conversation about these important issues without him getting defensive?
Re: Communication breakdown
How long since you guys started having sex again after the baby? Have you had a date night yet? Are you guys getting much sleep with the baby?
I think you hit the nail on the head... "communication breakdown".
Sounds like the two of you just need to sit down and talk. Find some time. I know how hard it is with a small baby, but try to get together during a nap or bedtime. Don't blame him or point out faults. Just let him know how you are feeling. "Honey, I'm really feeling a loss of affection in our relationship. I realize we are both busy with work, the baby, etc but I miss you and would love it if we could find the time at least once a week for just the two of us. I know you love your football and I don't want to take that from you. How about we watch the game together tonight and then tomorrow we could _____ (insert what you want here)." Come up with things that you could do to help the two of you reconnect. Ask him if he has any suggestions. As long as you don't point fingers or make him feel as if he is doing everything wrong, he shouldn't get defensive. It's all about give and take... compromise. Ask him if there is anything he would like from you. Just remember, never start a sentence with "you" ("you never", "you don't", etc). Talk about yourself instead... "I'm feeling lonely", "I would love it if we could...", "I believe we should..".
BFP #3 -mm/c @ 7wks, discovered at 9wks, D&C 9/28
Current Status: TTA
~~PGAL/PAL Always Welcome!~~
DH maybe stressed. He was barely getting used to being married, a pregnancy then a Father in a few months.
He's probably thinking the cost of the phones, cable TV, dogs, baby and the cut in your income.
so what if he is stressed? Stress isnt an excuse for cutting your wife out. Im sure she is stressed as well for all the same reasons.
OP tell him you need to go to counseling. there is NO reason a wife should have to walk on egg shells around her husband 24/7.
Sure you're not in the mood! You have a 4 month old injfant!
I suggest 3 things:
1-for him to get the hell over himself
2- A complete physical for you
3- Counseling for the both of you, stat.
Please nip this in the bud NOW before the rift that exists gets wider and deeper. You should not have to be walking on eggs around him and you should not be fighting contantly. GL.
Here's something you can do FOR YOU:
Have somebody come in and watch the chalupa for a day -- and you take the day to do somethign for yourself: shopping, a spa, go to a movie or museum, window shop, have lunch with some of the other moms in the neighborhood - whatever it is you want to do. You need some "you" time.
One thing that I would suggest is to remember that it is not "you vs him" but "you&him vs the rest". Remind him that the two of you are a team, your on the same side. So when you talk about problems, they are not his problems, or your problems, but our problems. Problems that the two of you can work together to solve. Men always like superhero references so tell him the two of you are like Batman & Robin. (let him assume he's Batman). Hopefully he wont be so defensive and the two of you can have a good chat about the stresses your both under.
Good Luck!
So, why does he get "defensive" so much?........Why does he need to defend himself?............
...............Are you a 'nagging wife'...?
After 25 years of marriage, my parents went through a terrible rough patch like you are describing. It was advised to them to find an activity together, (Just the two of them/no kids involved) to help reconnect a solid friendship again. Obviously, you are very busy (and so were my parents), so they started out just making dinner together a few times a week. Then they started recording a tv show they both liked and watched it together when they both had time. That developed into learning to play tennis together, etc. Once they devoloped a friendship again, then it became easier for them to communicate to each other and had more respect for what they were saying.
They are very happy now. But it has definitely got to be a joint effort! Good luck!
this & I have an 11 week old at home so OP I know exactly how you feel. My only issue is me & my SO have been together 1 year tomorrow so we were just starting a relationship & found out we were pregnant. We have known eachother for 9 years but you always learn new things when in a relationship.
I hope things get better for you & also thanks for posting this it was nice to see what others had to say.
@doeie04:
That sounds a lot like how we work most of the time. I think men work better when they've had a chance to digest an issue and think it through before they respond. It's when he snaps and responds too quickly that things can get unproductive and difficult. It's usually humor that helps us through just about anything, and we just have to learn to control all the stresses and work together.