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Venting About FIL (Long)
H and FIL have always had a strained relationship. FIL and MIL divorced when H was a preteen and he wasn't around for a while and kind of keeps coming and going as he pleases. Since SIL has niece, he will call her all the time wanting to see niece, but rarely calls us. This week has been different. FIL works construction and is currently laid off. He's been trying to apply for jobs online, but isn't the best at working the computer (he called us one time and said "I broke the internet").
He called on Saturday while H was working over time and said he couldn't apply for jobs on craigslist. I had him tell me what was popping up, but I didn't understand what he was saying, so H and I went over there after H got off work. He also asked H to bring him a pack of beer and cigarettes. I wasn't happy about it, but what's done is done.
We get over there, show him what he's doing wrong, then leave. We're at the store half an hour later and FIL is calling again because he forgot. Frustrating!
Sunday we decided to take our nieces sledding. FIL calls while we're getting ready wanting us to come over again. H tells him nicely that we already have plans, he'll call him later. After hanging up, FIL text asking H to bring him a pack of cigarettes. SIL sees the text and says she just took him a pack of beer and pack of cigarettes yesterday afternoon. Excuse me? So you got cigarettes from us and SIL? So H tells him no, thankfully we don't hear from him the rest of the day.
FIL called me yesterday asking about resumes. I explain that I don't have time today, but I can help him make one tomorrow. I explain that I'm working nights so I won't be up till the afternoon. I get up today and already have text from him wanting to hear from me. I call him and explain what I need and tell him that I will print it out then bring it to him. He ask if I will bring him a pack of cigarettes when I come over and I told him I didn't have any money. He also says he needs a cover letter and it took forever to explain what a cover letter was to him! In the middle of writing his resume he says to me "your d*mn husband needs to get over here and give me a pack of beer and pack of cigarettes."
H was at work! He is not going to leave just to bring FIL something! We are not working just to cover FIL's butt! And if you want to be mad at someone for not giving you what you wanted, FIL should have been mad at me, I was the one who said no. I wanted to hang up on him right then and there and not help him anymore. H called while I was typing FIL's cover letter and I told him what happened, he called and yelled at FIL and told him we're not going to keep supplying him with cigarettes and beer. FIL gets mad and tells him not to bother helping him anymore. I still took the resume and cover letter to him and he didn't say anything to me other than thanks and he'd see me later.
I posted on FB that I was annoyed and MIL happens to be on and ask me what's wrong. I tell her and she tells me that FIL has a disease and yes it's frustrating, but it isn't going to change.
No offense, but I don't see why any of my ILs feel the need to cover for him. He has a disease, he is alone by his own choosing (he cheated on MIL and Step-MIL), he drinks away all his money, he has a loan on an RV he can't pay now, a truck payment, and ignores our oldest niece (she's BIL from a previous relationship) like she doesn't matter! SIL even said he gave him cigarettes and beer because she felt bad for him.
I will admit I've never been around an alcoholic. Any of them that were in my family my mom kept me away from, so I've never dealt with one. Anyone out there have suggestions for handling this? I want to tell my H not to talk to him, that he's just going to keep hurting him, but that won't help anything and I'm not going to tell him not to talk to his father. Any advice?
BFP 2: 7/7/2014 Beta 7/8: 115, Beta 7/12: 638, Beta 7/16: 3793, Beta 7/21: 21,625
Re: Venting About FIL (Long)
First off, that made me LOL.
That is a really tough situation. I can understans being frustrated and you certainly don't want to keep supporting his habits. Just try not to let it bother you so much that is causes issues with your husband.
I would just talk to your husband and explain to him that you do not like supporting his drinking/smoking and encouraging his bad habits. Hopefully he will understand.
Wow, what a crappy situation. It's clear that FIL doesn't care about anyone but himself, and that's sad. Disease or not, that doesn't give him free reign to be a selfish, rude azzhole.
Sounds like the selfish behavior is nothing new, either, so I highly doubt it will ever change. If I was in your situation, I would first talk to DH to make sure you're on the same page. Then I would continue to try to help FIL however I could in ways that do NOT enable his behavior and addictions. Just like you've been doing, essentially. Help with resumes, cover letters, etc. but when he asks for beer and cigarettes, just repeatedly tell him no. If he gets upset, that's his problem, and if he starts refusing help in other areas because you won't enable him, then that's his problem too.
I'm sorry you guys have to deal with this.
This is exactly! I know it's been this way and that's why the rest of the family is basically telling me to just accept it. I've just never been around it.
H is on my side and agrees not to enable him, but he still feels bad for his dad, which I understand.
Thanks for the advice ladies, you are awesome!
BFP 2: 7/7/2014 Beta 7/8: 115, Beta 7/12: 638, Beta 7/16: 3793, Beta 7/21: 21,625