Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
A Grudge or not being a door mat any longer?
I wanted to know your thoughts on the difference between a having/keeping a grudge towards someone OR not wanting to be around them/standing your guard or being their doormat any longer.
I have distanced myself from my step-mom because she is manipulative and hurtful but this causes a dent in my relationship with my dad.
Re: A Grudge or not being a door mat any longer?
I would consider it a grudge when the offending party has apoligized for whatever happened and tried to make amends and/or not repeat the offense behavior and the offendee has choosen not to accept the apology and to instead hold on to hard feelings. If your step-mother continues hurt you by all means, stay away.
I agree with CatCronley. IMO, a grudge is refusing to let go of resentment/hard feelings towards someone because of their actions.
In choosing to not be around them, you could do that with or without a grudge. If you are doing it bitterly, then I'd say you still have a grudge. However, I do think it's possible to let go of those feelings and just choose not to have that person in your life. I've chosen to do that with certain people...I have no hard feelings and I have fully forgiven them, but I just feel like there's no place in my life for them.
I'm agree with this...I think.
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. So, you can forgive your stepmom for her past actions and not hold them against her.
However, that doesn't mean you need to step into the line of fire again by being around her. And an apology doesn't mean that she has changed. You must choose which works FOR YOU, in a way that moves your life forward. However, just b/c you aren't holding onto that anger anymore doesn't mean you need to have her as a part of your life.
I don't think if someone apologizes and you choose to not allow them if your life, that means you're holding a grudge. Nor do I think it's a grudge if you harbor resentment of the person.
Maybe I'm biased because I've been told I'm holding a grudge against my mother, and I feel I'm protecting myself.
For me, the difference is if you're limiting contact to protect yourself as opposed to doing it with the intent of hurting the other person. If it's the latter it's a grudge, former (to me) is simply ceasing to be their doormat and suffer their abuse/torment/manipulation/insert PC term.
74 books read in 2011
I think it has everything to do with the meaning we attach to each word.
Holding a grudge is a slur aimed at the "grudge holder" that, by defination, is an accusation that the person is acting unfairly or harshly. It is a criticism and accusation of the one creating distance. It immediately puts the distance-maker on the defense to prove their case and usually makes any attempts to do so seem trivial and overly draconian. "You're holding a grudge" is a wonderfully dismissive way to wave away the person's feelings. It makes the trouble about YOU and not the person who is being held at a distance.
"Not being a doormat" puts the blame on the person being held at a distance. Again, by defination, it is accusation that the one being shunned deserves the treament, that they have acted inappropriatley and deserve it. It castes the distance-maker as acting rationally and reasonably.
You are asking "well, what's the difference?" while it really is just a matter of perspective. If your father believed that had a right to put some distance between you and your step-mom then he wouldn't be saying "you're holding a grudge". He'd say "you've stopped being a doormat".
In my experience, when parents tell adult children that they are "holding a grudge" it's just a guilt tactic in a long like of guilt tactics to get them to back down and "take it" (again). When the adult child responds with a firm, consistent and calm "No" the parent is forced to deal with it. When guilt and manipulation don't work, the relationship either ends or responds to the new demands placed by the adult child.
I have to agree with this.
Sometimes "that thing" you won't forgive isn't the issue - but "that thing" showed you what the person who wronged you really is.
This is the most accurate explanation I have ever read on this board. I definitely agree!