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Touchy Subject
I trust you girls a lot... I have "known" a lot of you for over a year! I have been looking at other boards like Sex & Romance, and some of the people on there are just awful. So- this is a personal question, not meant to harm or intrude on anyone's feelings. I would just like honest opinions. *Be forewarned that I did say it was a touchy subject and that it's personal.
I found a porn website on DH's laptop a few days ago. I didn't personally look to find it, I was going to go to Google for a recipe, but the porn site was right by it on the recent history. I was kind of shocked. Just closed the computer up without looking at anything else. I guess, in the back of my mind, I know he has looked before, but it still bothered me. I can't help feeling hurt. We talked about it a little bit when he got home. He says he doesn't look often and he wasn't trying to hide anything. He told me that if I want him to not look, he won't. I told him that I would prefer that he didn't. I am not outright going to tell a person what they can and cannot do, but I feel that porn is harmful to a marriage. If any one has thoughtful insight on this, I am trying to look at this through both his side and mine. TYIA
Re: Touchy Subject
I think you both handled the situations like mature adults, which is very good.
If I was in the situation, I think i'd feel the same way. I would feel to me like I wasn't enough, that something else had to be done outside of our bedroom w/o me involved for him to be happy. So yes, I agree that it can take away from the marriage. Now maybe he was just curious or whatever, but it can still make the other person (i.e. you lose signifcant confidence, which can hinder other "abilities").
I know some people feel differently, but every person/couple is different. I would feel the same as you.
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I couldn't have said it better myself! Personally, I think the only time it should ever be present in a relationship is if you choose to watch it together as foreplay. But I think it often leads to issues and insecurities (mainly for us females!) when one person looks at it without the other.
That board does get nasty! I would never post something for them to rip apart!
I agree that you both handled it well. As a follow up, I would ask DH if there is anything that he wishes you guys would do or if he had suggestions for you. You could also gently mention your own suggestions. Try to keep these lines of communication open. My DH and I have learned alot about each other and what we want by talking and it is making us even closer!
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Thank you everyone for your answers. You all have really good points. Kim and Lauren, I already feel a drain in my confidence, at least in this area
Mel, right? Those girls are cannibals. You are right on. I definitely don't want to close up our communication. I would like to grow closer to DH while talking about these things, if possible. I did ask for suggestions. He said to be more "energetic." I have been the one initiating things lately though, not him. I have lingerie, lotion, enthusiasm....
He looked at it the morning after I thought we had a good night
While I was at work. I think he does want to do other things, but won't really tell me what, which, honestly, makes me nervous.
Sigh. He did get defensive, but I didn't want to type out the whole thing. He says that everyman looks at porn. That it is normal. I told him that I know that isn't true. Not all guys do that stuff. I really believe that, too. Am I being too naive?
One thing DH suggested was having more variety. It was basically his way of saying be more energetic. We now call the bed the "novel bed" because we aren't in there all the time. We are having fun in other places besides the bedroom. It keeps things exciting and he appreciates when I initiate somewhere different. For a while after we had some issues, I felt like I was always initiating, like he was nervous to initiate. That lasted about a week. Now it seems like we both are taking the lead.
I think lots of guys look, like pp said, out of curiosity and to get ideas. But I think it is something they grow out of, especially if they are satisfied. But, I also know this is not always the case. On the board we don't like, people talk about both the guy and the girl watching porn, both alone and together. This so does not interest me and if this is how you feel, just continue to make your DH understand that it bothers you. Again, it goes back to communicating.
Good luck! I hope you feel better about this soon!
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I definitely think that you both need to discuss this more. I agree that it sounds as if you were both mature about it, but even if it is harmless for him, you need to feel comfortable as well. Some women would not mind, but if you do, he needs to respect that.
I also want to say that I really hope that none of what I said came across as snarky. I just wanted to present another side to hopefully give you another perspective. I really hope that you both are able to come to an understanding or compromise that makes you both happy and comfortable. Good luck!
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I definitely agree you both handled this maturely. I don't see if he felt something was lacking then he wouldn't talk openly about it to you. You seem to have great communication between the two of you.
I guess I see it differently. As long as a man is not using the porn to get turned on to have sex with you, i see no reason to tell him he can't look. I think it's natural. I don't think it's something they GROW out of. It's human, natural instinct. I think i'm just really comfortable with sexuality. I don't see it as a form of cheating as long as he's not using it daily or for arousal for sex with me. he might be horny when you're not and vice versa. I'm not going to tell my husband he can't get off unless i'm there. But this is me. best of luck. Sorry if this seems rude.
I agree with everybody that you both handled this maturely. I would also feel a little upset and hurt, but I wouldn't tell DH not to look at it.
At the beginning of DH and I's relationship I also stumbled on a porn website on his computer, and asked him about it and told him it bothered me. We talked about it and I told him that I don't care if he looks at it occasionally but to just delete the evidence of it so I didn't know. He said that he only looked at it once in a while and said he would stop. I'm not sure if he ever looks at it now but I don't ask him. I did ask him a few times in the year or so after we talked about it and he said that he no longer looked at it. I figure that if he does want to look at it once it doesn't bother me, I just don't want to know about it.
I think for women it is just hard to not take it personally, but I think a lot of men look at porn and it doesn't mean that they aren't satisfied in their own relationship.
I have to agree with PP's...I'm sorry you're in this situation, it sucks. Before DH and I were engaged, we were in a similar situation where I stumbled across a website and felt the same way. I was hurt and felt inadequate and basically freaked out. I agree with DaisyKD that women take it more personally and men don't see it that way, that it's totally separate from how they feel about us and our relationship. It took a lot of talking but we got to a place where we both understand each other. I think talking it out helped us and could help if you and DH keep communication open and try to understand how each other feels.
I hope things get better!
I have a slightly different opinion from the other girls....
But I know my H looks at it. I don't know how often, probably a few times a month.
Usually it's when I'm not home, and he's bored and wishes I were home so we could have sex...but I'm not there, so what's he suppose to do? Wait? (This is how I sort of understand it, not my justification, by the way).
Or when I'm not in the mood and haven't been for a few days, or a week or something. Since I won't do anything about it, he does....
I can't stand it and I wish he wouldn't look at it, but he does.
I've asked him not to, but he still does and I deal with it. I don't like it at all. As long as I don't see it, I try not to think about it.
Okay I'm a little late but...
I have the same feeling as you, Kayla. Being a wife who works the opposite shift from her husband, for us there are sometimes 4 days where we don't see each other (and like now when he's away on a business project for weeks at a time). While I can wait it out for the entirety, I know he's a guy and he cannot. I know he looks at porn, and during the times when we are apart I know he's going to look. It's just a guy thing.
That being said if I worked a normal schedule and we were having sex every night/every other night on a regular basis I might get more upset. But I agree with all the other PPs, keep the lines of communication open and as long as it's bothering one of you it's definitely something you as a married couple should be talking about.
And it's definitely good to have date nights!