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Lack of any intimacy at all....help.
I normally don't write about my life on these kinds of things, but I am in desperate need of some advice...Me n my H were married on 2.20.2010, on our 4 year anniversary. We have not had sex in AT LEAST 5 months, if not more (I just stopped counting). We always have the argument of "your not trying, you need to initiate it, blah blah blah", however, he doesn't understand that Im not wired to just jump on top of him. I like to be kissed and wanting to feel wanted/needed in that department (he does know this), however he never tries to do so. So, after a while, I stopped giving a damn. My mind frame was if he wants sex, then he will do what I want him to do, he will kiss me and love on me to get me into the mood...well, that didnt happen because like I said, its been 5 months. I will admit, I am stressed. He quit working approximately 6 months ago to go to school full time to become a teacher. This is something that we DO NOT agree on at all. I believe he should at least work part time, to help me with bills; he says he will be too stressed if he trys to get a job and do school full time. I'm old fashioned, I believe the man should take care of the woman, in our case, I've been supporting us for 6 months (and technically longer, I've always had a full time job, he has had jobs off and on). Don't get me wrong, I support his school decision and I'm happy that he has picked out a career for himself, but I'm to the point of this marriage that I am tired of dealing with all his crap. He complains everyday about not having any money, he thinks his life is so much more stressful than mine (all he does is do school for 5 hours and play video games); when I have to go to work for 9 hours, come home to a messy house where I have to cook, clean, do laundry, and it just feels like I get no support from him. I guess now I'm trying to figure out what I really want in our marriage, do I want to even be with him?? I would just like a little insight I guess on the situation. I have not discussed with him that I am not happy in our marriage, yet. I do plan on doing so, but right now I have so much going on, that I just dont know how to do so yet. I also lost my 16 year old brother 3 days before Thanksgiving. He was there for me, but its like he wasnt THERE for me...if that makes sense. I have spoken w/ my two best friends about that and they also saw it...maybe I'm mad at him for not really being there for me?? Help, or insight on my situation would be greatly appreciate....Thanks.
Re: Lack of any intimacy at all....help.
He's saying that if you want sex, then you should start something. You're saying that if he wants sex, he should start something. And both of you are seething with resentment that the other one never starts anything. Do I have that summarized correctly?
FFS, if you want kissing before sex, then KISS THE MAN. None of this "I'm not hardwired to initiate" BS, because apparently he's not hardwired to initiate either, and the end result of both of you passing the buck on getting things started is that it has been five months with no sex.
Ditto Kuus on the kissing/intimacy stuff.
But have you spoken to him about your frustration and stress over the rest of your post? I realize you've asked him to get a job, but have you suggested that maybe he pick up the slack on the housework so you're not running around like an insane person trying to catch it all up after you get home from work?
Seems like you both have issues dealing with confrontation. Being old-fashioned does not mean that you just sit back and seethe because you're too stubborn to tell your husband what's upsetting you!
He quit working approximately 6 months ago to go to school full time to become a teacher. This is something that we DO NOT agree on at all. I believe he should at least work part time, to help me with bills; he says he will be too stressed if he trys to get a job and do school full time. I'm old fashioned, I believe the man should take care of the woman, in our case, I've been supporting us for 6 months (and technically longer, I've always had a full time job, he has had jobs off and on).
Maybe his lack of motivation and cop out regarding a job and his lack or repsect for you should be more of a priority. I know i wouldnt be having sex with anyone who was so unmotivated and lazy. I couldnt have sex with someone i had no respect for.
If you want your husband to kiss and love on you, then kiss and love on him. Its not rocket science. My BF gets crazy turned on when I initiate sex with him. Your H isn't a robot that is programmed to jump your bones the exact way that you want him to. It takes communication and teamwork to have a successful and satisfying sex life.
As for your H going to school, if you want him to get a PT job say, get a PT job!" He thinks he'll be too stressed but tell him about the stress he's putting on you being the sole income. It sounds like there are a lot of communication problems in your marriage.
Uhhhhh....she lost her 16 yr old brother and her DH was n't there for her...
*smacks KimNSandy* her 16 yr old brother passed away before thanksgiving and her DH wasn't there for her. that entire paragraph was full of moot advice.
listen: you've got a whiney kid for a husband. you don't get to complain about money if you refuse to contribute in any way, shape or form. as far as i am concerned no adult should return to school without working at least PT. you think working & school would stress you out? how do you think it's making your wife feel that she has to carry both of you financially?
you guys need to sit down and talk. and stop phrasing it as though you are accussing the other person ("you don't initiate" "you won't work"). as for your sex issue-you are both holding out to hurt the other person. adults don't attempt to resolve issues like that. put your big girl pants & big boy pants on and discuss the situation. discuss what each of you needs from the other in order to have a more healthy sex life and make an effort to pay attention to those needs each and every day. i have a feeling there is no sex because there is too much resentment on both sides.
So, you have decided to be really mature and play tit for tat with your H about sex? How's that been working so far? Right, it hasn't worked because you haven't had any sex. If you want to have sex more often, then you need to initiate it. You want him to kiss you and stuff like that, do that to him.
He quit working approximately 6 months ago to go to school full time to become a teacher. This is something that we DO NOT agree on at all. I believe he should at least work part time, to help me with bills; he says he will be too stressed if he trys to get a job and do school full time. I'm old fashioned, I believe the man should take care of the woman
Did you discuss your expectations before you got married? I agree that he needs to get a part time job to help with bills and stuff, but I also think that you guys should have talked about this before you got married and before he went back to school so that you could reach a compromise.
And did you guys discuss this "man takes care of the woman" business before you got married? It's not a one-way street. Both partners have to contribute to the household. Right now, he is not contributing, but I hope you don't expect him to get a job so that you no longer have to contribute.
I have not discussed with him that I am not happy in our marriage, yet. I do plan on doing so, but right now I have so much going on, that I just dont know how to do so yet.
How can you expect any of this to change if you haven't even told him how you feel?? He isn't a mind reader. I don't know what you could possibly have going on that you couldn't take out a half an hour to discuss these problems. Your marriage is one of, if not the most, important relationships in your life...don't you think solving these problems should be a priority?
Oh hell!! hahaha! Well I hope I can blame all the %$%#@# cold meds I'm on instead of just being a dipshiit. haha. <smacks own forehead!>
The lack of sex seems to go much deeper than even what was written here. I suggest marriage counseling.
My best friend signed me up for The Knot when I was engaged last year, and in that time I've been nothing but a lurker, no posts/no replies.....but I kinda feel where you're coming from here.
I think it's hard to understand why you don't just initiate for most people....I know that with my DH, I can't just go up to him and start kissing him...we just don't do that a lot, though we do have a good sex life.
He sounds selfish and you sound fed up, imo. He also sounds immature.
One of my favorite sayings (from my MIL, at that) is "He will only treat you the way you allowed yourself to be treated." Sounds like you've been allowing him to be lazy in all aspects of the relationship for a while, and now here you are. You can't make a person change, but you can change. Quit doing all the cooking. Quit the cleaning. Tell him you're sick of the video games and coming home to a trashed house. If he can make positive changes with you, that sex drive will increase. As long as you resent him and everything he does/doesn't, it's not going to change.
In addition to some things that others have said, have you expressed to him that you are frustrated that he's not working?? The reason I ask is that if he suspects that you feel like he is a nuisance, or disappointing you, or that he is not a sufficient provider (as you alluded to in much of your post with feeling that he doesn't do anything stressful all day, that you do all the house work, etc) then that might be turning him off in the bedroom. If he feels resented in life, I'm sure he's not very eager to jump all over you in bed, KWIM?
I totally agree with PP that no sex is not the problem, but rather a symptom. You definitely need to sit down together, calmly, and talk about your concerns, ASAP. Share with each other. Find a compromise, that's what marriage is all about. If he finishes school and becomes a teacher, will you resent him then for getting home earlier than you and having "vacations"? As a teacher myself I can testify that it is a stressful, tiring job, and the pay reflects our hours worked. My friends were jealous that I got home at 4, but then they realized it's not a 9-5 job but rather a 6-4 job. To be a breadwinner the way you want him to be and support you the way you think you deserve, he will most likely need to take a second job as many of us teachers do. Just something to consider in the future, considering you are already resentful of his lifestyle, and his current lack of sufficient income. GL.