Family Matters
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I married into a bunch of guilt-tripping loonies.
Hey ladies,
I had posted on here few weeks ago about the craziness my MIL and FIL pulled at the Christmas Eve service at our church?involving a video telling DH's life and why he's a terrible son for moving away from home & getting married.
Well, DH hasn?t spoken to his parents since Christmas Eve. He feels they owe him an apology, and they feel they are perfect. Well, SIL messaged me today about how our kids are. We chatted back and forth for a minute, and suddenly SIL is chewing me out for the fact DH hasn?t called his mother to check on her. Seems she?s been sick recently and no one thought to call my DH.
The problem is, MIL is always sick. She is 200 lbs over weight, health issues tend to stem from that. I know this is another guilt-trip from DH?s family, trying to get him to forget that they humiliated him in front of our church?on Christmas Eve.
My question is, what would you do? DH will be home soon, how do I bring this up to him? I don?t want him to feel like I?m pressuring him to call them?or to not.
Re: I married into a bunch of guilt-tripping loonies.
This is tricky becuase I HATE how manipulative, guilt-trippers try to use me to pass messages along to their targets.
I wouldn't pass along her opinion or attacks to DH. She's an adult. She can call her brother directly.
I would tell DH that you got a few messages and the general jist - the bare minimum to encourage their direct communication- assuming he's speaking to his sister.
"Did you hear from your sister today? Be warned that she is in a very bad mood today and she wasn't nice about us holding our ground with your parents, something about your mom being sick again. If you want the details and to be yelled-at, call her."
I'd have cut off the message mid-text if SIL had brought it up, FWIW.
When you see your H tonight, just relay the facts. "I talked to SIL about the kids, everything seemed fine at first and then she became very hostile about us not speaking to MIL/FIL."
Express that you think H is doing the right thing, you will continue to back him up and that you wanted to let him know what the backstory is in case any of them try to contact him.
I would follow his lead and support his decision.
However, he wouldn't be a bad guy if he still didn't want to talk to them even if she is truly sick ( which I kinda doubt).
Any conversation directed to you about DH I would stop cold turkey. Chatting about family and family non-hot button situations: OK, chastising you or trying to manipulate you into manipulating your husband into continuing his role in that disfunction: NOT OK
I would interrupt any communication (live, phone, email, what have you) and say "I'm sorry, if you care to take issue with DH then I'm afraid you'll have to speak to him rather than myself." OR "I'm sorry, if your mother cares to take issue with DH then I'm afraid she'll have to speak to him rather than THROUGH you or TO myself."
I assume your DH is already home - but I personally would not at all tell him about the conversation with SIL. You may wish to say that you've heard your MIL is not feeling well...if that's something he needs/wants/should know...but the nagging? Nope. Would not put that on his shoulders at all. It was idle bitching on SILs part and there's no reason he should have to carry that around in his heart right now.
personally i would txt his number back to his sister and say im sorry your hurt and mad but you need to take this up with him, not me. and leave it at that.
This is what I did. I told SIL that if she needed to discuss DH's decision to not talk to MIL/FIL, she knew his number. I flat out told her that I wasn't the decision maker on this, DH was.
Which, according to her, made me a bad person because "the phone works both ways and one of us should have called MIL by now".
DH came home, and I told him I heard from his sister today. He asked what about, so I showed him the messages. He said MIL pulled this same thing a few years back...she was suddenly very sick while DH wasn't speaking to her, but that sickness was magically cured when he called her. He refuses to play her game this time. I'm proud of him
Hmmm, it seems you married a smart man.
I would have told sil that DH was just living up to what they thought of him.
I say you and your DH make a video of how his parents are lunatics and are trying to manipulate you then send it in to their church.
No really.... just relay the basic facts. Be sure to mention that she was not being kind when about you 2 not talking to MIL and FIL BEFORE she told you MIL was "sick".
Your H can make the decision whether or not he wants to fall for this load of crap.
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Literally - that had me laughing.
OMG, I think you and I have the same MIL. To make you feel a little better I'll tell you what mine does (it makes me feel better to hear I'm not the only one dealing with loonyness so hope you get a laugh outta this).
My MIL has been telling her sons for years shes had breast cancer that keeps coming back. Everytime somethings not going her way she has to go back to the dr to get another "piece" of her breast "cancer" removed. Like this is even believable. One time my DH was really feeling sorry for her I explained to him that cancer is not a joke and drs take it very seriously, if she did infact had breast cancer that kept coming back, she would be going through chemo/radiation and be very ill, probably to tired to make it out of bed some days. He really realised how true that was when he saw how sick my grandma got when she was battling cancer.
Then this summer my husband had traumatic brain injury and was in a coma 5 days, meanwhile through many ct's they found a brain tumor and in front of his parents the dr asked me if anyone in his family has tumors or cancer. In front of her husband and other son, I called her out on it saying, Oh yes, MIL has had breast cancer that has come back MANY times. She about fell over and quietly says it benign cancer. The dr was like, um there is no such thing as benign cancer, you mean they were cists? I about fell over laughing. I imagine thats the last anyone will be guilt tripped over her breast "cancer".
Sounds like you have a very wise husband!
Yikes. And I thought my MIL was bad. That is just plain nuts. Wowza. Why the F would someone lie about something like cancer?
I am sorry about your H. I hope he is doing ok. I have an acquaintance who was recently diagnosed with a brain tumor. I haven't heard much from her and how she is doing or it if is malignent. I would imagine either way it is still serious though.
Thanks! H is doing great considering the TBI. We dont know too much about the tumor yet cause hes had a few brain surgeries from the accident and has to heal still. The worst part was dealing the crazy MIL. Thankfully his brain function wasnt permanently disabled and his memory/personality came back after 3-4 weeks so she wasnt able to manipulate him (though she tested him to see what she could get away with).
She is so nuts once he came home, I had to have someone at my house at all times I wasnt home cause I really dont trust her. You should hear the lies she made up about him and how badly she exaggerated every detail of what was wrong with him in the beginning (and trust me, things were bad enought the 1st week nothing needed to be exaggerated and people would still would've felt sorry for her). But thats her, trying to make everything sound so bad that everyone will feel sorry for her all the time. She is the true definition of compulsive liar. I think I could write a book and no one would even believe these stories are true!!! LOL I really dont know how H even came from her, he has such a good heart and I'm pretty sure she doesnt even have one.