Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Future MIL Issues - Long
I am not sure if this is the correct board for this, so I apologize if it isn't.
My fiancee and I are getting married this spring, we have lived together for almost two years. While on a trip with his family over Christmas we had a huge blow up with his mother. The arguement started over how she talks to us - hasty tone, bossing around, generally yelling when no need to yell and just a sharp edge to her voice. It then escolated into a major arguement in which they both said things that shouldn't have been said. While I totally acknowledge that my fiancee was in the wrong, his mother was completely out of control and said some very terrible things. It ended with us leaving the trip four days early and we have not spoken to his parents since before the new year.
During the arguement she said that she refused to come to our wedding and was writing us out of her life and on and on. The more the arguement escolated, the more her sanity level visibly declined.
Fiancee and I are moving forward with our wedding plans. We both feel like all we can do is take the high road and continue to allow his parents the opportunity to be involved or at least attend our wedding and the related events. We sent them a save the date, are inviting them to an engagement party in my hometown next month, and will invite them to the rehersal dinner and wedding.
His feelings are still so hurt by the things that she said and I am worried he will never be able to get over them. Do you believe we are handling the situation the best we can and as the date gets closer should we try to reach out to them? Or are we just asking for another huge scene by giving her an audience to air her issues?
Again, I am sorry if this is not the correct place to post this.
Re: Future MIL Issues - Long
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thank you for the words of encouragement and support. Its just a super difficult situation and it makes it even more difficult when you are dealing with someone who refuses to see how they might be wrong. Thanks again ladies!
So, are they on speaking terms now? Have you socialized with them? Or would the wedding-related events be the first and only opportunity to interact?
My thoughts - if the invitations are sincere and he and you DO want them to attend, I think you need to sort out these hard feelings. An engagment party is not the time to see your parents if you are estranged. Obviously, things need to be said, feelings need to addressed and a party is not the appropriate place to do it. I suppose they can attend and everyone can fake it, but I think that's risky. Better to sort this out while not hosting a party.
If they won't meet you for lunch and attempt to resolve their differences and relationship, I don't see the point of them attending the wedding events anyway.
this. agree!
I agree one hundred percent that these very public and group gatherings are not the appropriate times to see them for the first time since the arguement. However, we do not want to be five years down the road and hear "well you didn't even invite us to your wedding". So with that in mind, we are genuine in sending the invites. We do love his parents and they do alot for us, for which we are very thankful. We would just really like for his mother to speak in a nicer way and tone down the drama.
An update since I posted this morning is that she emailed my FI this afternoon and requested him to meet with her to discuss thier issues. Funny thing about her email is that she asked only him to meet and did not include me. I am worried that this may now be her way of attempting to drive a wedge between the two of us. Hopefully this is not the case, but at this point nothing would surprise me.
past that - their meeting. From your OP, it sounds like the bulk of the problem was between the two of them. THEY said mean things to one another. As such, I think it's entirely appropriate that the two of them meet alone to talk.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
First, thank you all for the great advice and discussion.
She talks that way to the "kids" (by kids I mean the children and in-law children who are grown) in the family mostly - and it is even worse to me, since I am not one of her children.
Yes, the arguement was mostly between them. However after she finished with FI she moved onto me and said some really hateful things to me. I did not engage with her at all. I just sat very still and said very little in a calm tone. I did not want to do any more damage than was already done at that point.
My other thought on her wanting to meet with him alone is that she may be embarassed by how she acted (it was really unbelievable) and she may want to start by talking to him and then speak with me, but that is just my speculation.
I know what you're going through. My MIL is also verbally abusive and I'm convinced she's pretty much insane. There are lots of other issues there too, but I feel your pain. She has said some things to my DH (and me) that could make you cry.
I think it's brilliant that you both want to take the high road here. Let your DH apologize for his inappropriate behaviors, and then move on as adults. When you're in therapy later because of her (I say this only half-jokingly), you'll be reassured by the fact that you were both the adults in this situation, and the only thing you can control about her is the way you react to her. If you invite her to your wedding and pre-wedding festivities, she'll never be able to hold that over your head. If she comes and causes a scene with no prompting from either you or your SO, you'll know it's just her and so will others.
I would be wary about the meet-up between only your FI and his Mom. You don't have to be included in everything, but this could be an opportunity for your MIL-to-be to manipulate the situation. Make sure your FI understands this.
Also, don't feel guilty about his parents doing a lot for you. If they help you out voluntarily, it doesn't give them the right to hold that over your head or treat you without any human dignity or respect.