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XP: WWYD Re: Loaning Money?
The nest board was broken for me this morning but looks like it's working now so that I can XP for your ladies' opinions. Yah!
OK now to my WWYD question. DH got an email from his cousin, Pat, yesterday asking us (and IL's) for a $600 loan so he can pay off debt to get his license reinstated and pay off some other stuff.
As background, Pat and DH's entire family is from a tiny crappy town where most of the people live on welfare. Pat and DH were inseparable when they were younger before DH's family moved here. Probably about 7 or so years ago MIL found Pat a job here at the Macy's call center and they offered to pay his way to get down here, let him stay at their house (for minimal rent), and just help him get on his feet where there's more opportunity than in their hometown. Needless to say, Pat blew it here. He wasn't able to bank any of the money he earned (spent it on nice clothes, going out, etc.) and ended up being let go from the job because he earned too many "points" (for tardiness, absences, etc.). IL's sent him packing and for awhile he lived on his own still in Cincy before he ultimately moved back home a few years later. Fast forward to this past year-ish. He got in some trouble and ended up getting a DUI...I think maybe multiple DUIs? Ultimately he lost his license and got pretty wrapped up in debt. In the meantime he's been getting to his current job by driving illegally without his license. He's been able to pay off about half of it but the balance that he's asking us for is so he can drive down here (legally!) and interview for a pretty good job that he claims is pretty much in the bag but just need a face-to-face interview for formalities.
Normally when it comes to family I wouldn't bat an eye but this is a pretty sizable sum of money and just not sure we can trust him. I'd love to help him get back on his feet and set him up for success but just not sure he'll put in his end of the deal and not have a repeat of the past...
WWYD?
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Re: XP: WWYD Re: Loaning Money?
Unfortunately, I have more experience than I would like with situations such as this. I have helped multiple people out when they got into trouble for DUI's, etc. I will never do it again.
From what you've said, it sounds like this person is more than likely not going to change their behavior. I could be wrong, but there are usually few people that use something like this as a major wake up call. I know its a hard decision to make, but for me it became very clear and much easier to say no way once I learned that it was repeat behavior. If this person hasn't had much "trouble" (I couldn't come up w/ a more appropriate word) up until this point, I could completely understand wanting to help them if they showed they were truly going to dig themselves out of the mess they got in. Things like him driving illegally to places is something that sticks out for me. He could take the bus, carpool, etc to save more money to put away to pay his fines. They would need to have been proving to me up until this point that they were really trying hard to fix their mistakes. If he was spending money he was making on things he didn't need such as clothes and going out, IMO that doesn't show too much motivation to better his situation as a whole. While its okay (IMO) to do those things when you can, even as a nice reward for meeting a certain saving goal, its not okay when you are asking other people for money.
Some things I would consider: What is your recourse if they don't pay you back? How long will they have to get their situation back on track and in good standing? When will you expect payment in full by? Do you feel that they are sincerely trying to make a conscious effort to stop this behavior? I also feel like your gut is your best gauge. If it doesn't feel right, don't do it. Your gut is rarely wrong. Its so easy to just say if he had the money he would be able to get himself back on track, but if this person isn't 110% committed to doing it, that money is only going to take care of an immediate problem and not set them up for future success.
I wish you and your H the best of luck. This is def hard and you don't want to be the bad guy. <<hugs>>
I'm torn on this one, because part of me would really want to "gift" him the $600 (if you really want to help - gift, don't loan - exchanging debt for debt never truly helps someone and usually ends up damaging the relationship). But I would also want to know he's sincere about making a change.
I think - not to be too cheesy - but I'd seize him asking for money as a teaching opportunity. I'd offer to get him to the interview, and tell him you'd like him to stay for dinner to talk about his current situation. Pick him up a copy of "Total Money Management" by Dave Ramsey - and tell him you'd like him to read it BEFORE you consider his proposal, and to bring a copy of his budget as well as his plan to pay you back (included in that budget) along with him. If he's really sincere, he'll start doing the steps and he'll take the tools you've given him seriously. If he blows you off, isn't interested in the book, doesn't have a budget and won't make one - then I think you can refuse the loan with a clear conscience. If he won't help himself, then why should you?
Give a man a loan, he eats for a day. Teach a man to handle his own money, he eats for a lifetime.
I'll also add, that I'd cut him a bit of slack on the previous period of managing his money badly. If you're from a place where no one has money, and no one has ever really had money ever - then it's a pretty solid leap to say that someone with that background is going to have no idea what should be done with money once all the bills are paid. "Surplus, savings - what's that? Never heard of it. No one I know has those, so why are they important?"
It's a cultural battle that he's waging. When you subsist from day-to-day rather than thrive, and that's the culture you live in, how the heck could you know how to invest/save for your future? It wouldn't even come to mind. If he's never had the information, then he can't be expected to do any differently than he did. That's why I'm suggesting giving him the information, so that once he knows better he can have a REAL choice about whether or not he does better.
My BIL is in a similar situation (DH's brother). He got a DUI and my in-laws have given him several grand in lawyer's fees, paying off the court fees, etc. He hasn't done anything. He made no changes to his life and sees no consequences from his actions.
I am a firm believer in having to deal with the consequences of your actions. I know a lot of small towns don't have public transit, but if he has to walk to work then so be it. He made his decision to not follow the law and his decision to continue to not follow the law by driving shows that he has not changed. Driving is a privilege for people who do not risk the lives of others by getting drunk.
I wouldn't give him two pennies to rub together until he stopped violating all laws. Not just the ones he thinks are convenient.
Etsy shop
I agree with this. The money thing isn't such a big deal. It's his blatant disregard for the law. Drunk drivers kill tons of people every year. It's not an okay choice and you shouldn't send the message that his driving illegally as a result is in any way okay by giving him money. IMHO.
Etsy shop
Anytime I loan money, I go into it with the attitude that I will never see that money again. If I'm fine with never getting it back then it's not too much to loan.
My bigger concern in this situation is the DUI aspect. Unless I was completely sure that he had learned his lesson about drinking and driving (aka in some kind of recovery program), there is no way that I would give him money go legally be back on the road. I would be more likely to take some time off of work and drive him to the interview myself than to chance him drinking and driving and potentially killing himself and/or someone else.
Yes, if he got his license back and killed someone while drunk, I would feel like it was my fault. I would have enabled him to drive again.
Just food for thought.
Etsy shop
If you give him the money, I would give it as a one time gift in good confidence that he is serious about getting his life together. But I would be clear that this is one time only.
I don't know your financial situation, but obviously cousin thinks you can spare $600.
If it were my cousin, I would do it, if I had the extra money.