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Extra Room
H and I were looking for a new house with 3 bedrooms. We have 2 children living with us and 1 child who will start visitation with us next month. H feel we should continue looking at 3 bedrooms and I feel that now that we actually will be having his child come to visit us that we should look for a 4 bedroom so that the other child can have thier own bedroom, he feels that is unnecessary. Its not really an arguement that we are having (no one is angry), but I do feel that we both have valid points and we agree to get some outside imput and see if one person's point of view gets agreed with more than the other. H feels his son can share the room with our son, and that his son already has his own room in his mother's house, so therefore does not need two of his own rooms, especially as he only visits one weekend a month and evey other school holiday week off, plus a month in the summer. I feel his son would probably feel more comfortable in his own space. He is four years younger than our live-in son and I would like to give him a chance to put his own spin on his room as our other two children have planned to do. I feel we should try to treat them all exactly the same. While he is in agreement that the children should all be treated the same, he feels that we don't really need to have a room sitting empty for most of the year. I always reply that maybe some day it won't be just a visitation situation and thus we are at a standstill. LOL he says we don't have a crystal ball and I can't disagree because who knows. Any ideas?
Re: Extra Room
We have a 4 bedroom house and there are only ( and will only be) 3 of us. W/ the 2 "extra" rooms, one will be a guest room and the other is an office/ guest room.
We're GLAD we have this much room.
With 4 people living in your house, w/ an additional 5th here and there, I would want 4 rooms too. Just to give a little extra space.
Also, your son might start to resent having to share his room. I don't know how old he is, but as they each get older, I can absolutely see how mixing in developing hormones and all the stuff that goes into have teenagers, etc, I think not forcing him to share his room might be a good thing.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
With four older sisters growing up in a 4br house I never had my own room until I went to college. I didn't suffer terribly. I personally think it helped me problem solve and communicate better especially as I became a preteen and teenager.
If you can afford it, by all means go for it though.
I would also think of your son's own feelings- since he is 4 years older it could become an issue as the years move on. I don't know ther ages right now, but think of it as in when your son is 15 the other son will be 11. The 15 year old might want some privacy (KWIM?). Or also when 15 year old has freinds over they might discuss things that the 11 year old doesn't need to hear.
My first question is how old are the boys and have they been asked for their opinion?
Second is, can you afford a 4 bedroom house?
And my words of advice... it may only be visitation a few times a year right now but you never know what will happen in the future. If you have the means, make sure you have suitable accomodation for his son now. I'd hate if he would need to stay for a more long-term arrangement, only to find that he's in the way.
When we were young my parents had joint custody... we lived primarily with our mom and went to our dad's every other weekend and for the duration of each summer. When my brother turned 12, he moved to our dad's house. When I was 16 I also moved to our dad's house.
Good thing he had planned ahead and built a 5 bedroom house... master bedroom, a room for me (I was 9), a room for my brother (11), a room for my step-brother (he was 14), and a room for my step-sister... just in case (she was 21 and in college).
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
He is also concerned about making it look to his son as if we are trying to make him choose between our house and the child's mother's house. I say we can try and let him know in some age appropriate way seeing as the child is only 2.
I would go with the extra bedroom, even if it is a home office with a day-bed situation (for now).
My thought is, you want your stepson to feel like he has his own "space." The shared bedroom seems more like it's your FT son's room, which the PT son "gets to use on the weekends." That's different from being "his" room.
If your H doesn't want to feel like he is competing, then I don't think it's unfair to have the visiting child have the smaller room.
I agree with this.
But that may also have something to do with the origins of said child... if the 7 year old is offspring from your marriage and the 2 year old is offspring from an affair, that could "explain" his apparent sh!tty attitude toward accomodating & welcoming his son.
I must say, I am curious.
ETA: Nevermind... curiousity settled. He's being an ass toward his former girlfriend's child. I forsee that little boy will be needing a therapist in the future.
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/AddPost.aspx?PostID=47174168&Quote=True
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
So, your DH wants to voluntarily sign-up to referee the fights that will occur when its the 13 year olds turn to visit and he plops in on the 9 year old's room ... which, to the 9 yo, has been "his" all month, but now he has to share ... and the 14 yo will LOVE sharing b/c teens are known to be flexible ... and he'll be thrilled that 'his stuff' was touched and moved around all month ... and things went missing ... or are broken ... and now the 13 refuses to sleep in that room -because really, its never been his anyway - so now you have a 13 sleeping on your couch. And next year, a 14 yo., etc.
Good luck with that.
Anyway, there are lots of reasons to buy a 4-bedroom. Do you never have overnight guests? Is it a myth that 4-bedrooms have better resale value - I thought that was common knowledge.
ETA: Okay, switch that. The 9 year old will be intruding on the 13 year old. Oh yeah, you won't have to referee that every month. Sniff. I'm sure they'll get a long grreeaaatttt wihtout any hard feelings, yelling or screeming. So much better than "wasting" the space for part of the year.
(And if they are 7 and 2 - that's closer to a five year age gap rather tn four. Even tougher.)
Ahem.
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/47170046.aspx
This guy is a real prize, I tell you hwhat.
I can't believe I beat Nostrakuusmus to the punch. I didn't think that was physically possible.
O'Doyle rules!
I shall now present cute bunnies as an offering of peace to Nostrakuusmus.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
I think you should fastforward to 10 years from now when the kids are 17 and 12. Do you think a high school junior is going to want to share a room with a 12 y/o? Probably not.
Obviously there are other issues going on here but that 4th bedroom wouldn't go to waste even if the son didn't visit much... it could always be an office, play room, guest bedroom, etc.
I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with kids sharing a room. I shared a room with my 2 younger sisters up til I went to college (and even shared still when I returned home for breaks). There was also an 8 year age gap between me and my youngest sister.
Sure there were fights and times I hated sharing and feeling like I didn't have privacy. But I also learned how to communicate, I was super organized so I could keep my portion of the room in order and could tell if someone touched something and I learned how to share space which I think made my transition to college and sharing with a strange easier then those kids who had never shared a room.
I finally got my own room Junior year when I became an RA.
However, I can see how the dynamic might not be the same when the other son is only around once a month.
I feel like parents usually base this on their own experience, I always had my own, so I think it terms of kids having thier own, my husband shared so he thinks in terms of kids sharing...
I would say keep the options open...as you are looking at houses, look at 3 and 4 bedrooms and don't let that be a deciding factor of a house...I'm sure if you find your dream house with 4 bedrooms, your H won't say, "if only it didn't have that 4th bedroom)
Also, that 4th bedroom could be so small its not desirable anyways and that kid won't feel like "yay, I got my own bedroom anyways" he may resent having the smaller room and then you've accomplished nothing.
Perhaps, you'll let them split the master bedroom!
Ideally, each child should have their own room. But more than that, reread what you wrote.
I don't understand how the shared "live-in" son is four years older than your stepson? You said: " H feels his son can share the room with our son". If "our" son is really biologically yours and his, is well, just his, he's already lower in the family dynamic. This makes no sense unless this child was born during your marriage which is no reason to punish him because he has parents who aren't married.
FWIW, a 4th bedroom will make the house more salable in the future and a better investment.
I had to share a room with my stepsister every other weekend and hated every single second of it.
It's different when it's your full sibling and they live there all the time.