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Need advice, difficulties with biological father
Hi, I'm new to the community and looking for some helpful advice.
My girlfriend and her 7 year old daughter are living with me and the biological father (ex-husband) is having difficulties adjusting to the fact that another man is involved in his daughter's life. My girlfriend has joint custody with her ex-husband but the daughter lives with us. He has visitation rights and would see her every other weekend when he used to live down here. He recently moved back home because he lost his job and couldn't find any work around here. With being so far away he can't get her every other weekend like he use to. So my girlfriend and I have arranged for her daughter to video chat with him on the weekends and occasionally during the week. They even talk with each other daily on the phone. So he is still involved and active in her life despite not being here.
However, despite all this he can't adjust to the reality that another prominent male figure is present in his daughter's life. But I know that's part of the growing pains of being divorced from the biological mother and wrapping your head around the idea that the ex-wife will eventually get remarried and another man will be around your daughter and share memories with her.
He's deathly afraid and almost paranoid that I will try to take over as her father and he will get pushed out of his daughter's life. His thinking about why he thinks this is going to happen is completely irrational and illogical. My girlfriend has constantly explained to him that I'm not trying to be the girl's father and that she will always know who daddy is. He can't seem to realize that stepfathers (which I will eventually become) and biological fathers can coexist in a child's life. He didn't grow up with any step parents so he doesn't know this. As long as the father is active in the child's life they will always know and understand in their mind and heart who the true dad is. He isn't giving his daughter enough credit for being able to differentiate the two.
He's so scared in fact that he's trying to make rules and guidelines on how involved I can get. It's hard for him to cope with the realization that ultimately there will be some memories and experiences he won't be able to share with her, and likewise for my girlfriend whenever her daughter is with him. He gets mad with my girlfriend when I read with his daughter before bed. Just a few weeks ago I got her to ride her bike without training wheels. I took a picture and sent it to my girlfriend (she was at work) because I was so proud of her. She posts the picture on Facebook for everyone to see and her ex-husband gets pissed because in the caption to the photo she didn't give credit to him for teaching her how to ride without training wheels. He said, and I quote, "You make it look like your fuc*ing BF taught her." Nowhere in the caption did she ever mention me. Then last week she lost her second tooth. He was mad because we didn't take a picture and send it to him. He actually tried to threaten her and say that a judge wouldn't like it if she didn't send pics. lol Really? He was a former cop for a year so he think he knows the whole court system inside and out. He makes threats (what he calls "facts") to someday take his daughter away because he thinks my girlfriend is neglecting her daughter by not living up to his expectations of how she should mother her child with another man in the house. He is 7 months behind on child support. Now that's truly something I think a judge wouldn't like.
The list goes on. He is trying to control and micromanage through his ex-wife my interaction with his daughter. He has called her pathetic and a bi*ch in text messages before. Her daughter plays with her cell phone all the time and would be able to easily read what her dad is saying to her mother. Making disparaging remarks about one of the parents would make him in violation of the divorce settlement and parenting plan.
I love both my girlfriend and her daughter very much. I do everything I can to see to it that they are taken care of. I have helped my girlfriend out financially by having her move in with me so we could share bills and she could start paying down some of the debt that he put her in (by opening credit cards in her name without her knowledge). I bought her daughter a whole new bedroom furniture set because she didn't have anything before. She was sleeping with her mom in a single bedroom apartment prior to moving in with me. The daughter and I bond good together. We have a great relationship.
You'd think the father would be thankful that I'm taking such great care of his daughter and be proud that I'm not some molester drug addict. But it all comes down with him trying to maintain what little control he think he might have on his ex-wife's life and not being able to handle another man in his daughter's. He has the tools necessary to help him during all of this. My girlfriend and him went through parenting counseling during their divorce settlement and all this was covered. He threatens her all the time about taking her to court. I feel he's just using it as a scare tactic against her because he clearly doesn't have the money, nor time, nor basis for taking her to court. Besides, it would be in his best interest to stay out of court with unpaid child support hanging over his head as well as all his texts and email messages.
There are lots of different articles out there about how to be a good stepfather but you can rarely find anything about how to be a good biological father when a stepfather is present in your child's life. I need something that could help him from his perspective. Any helpful advice you could give would be greatly appreciated. I have tried my hardest to be the friendly and cordial nice guy during all of this but I am getting close to my wits end.
And furthermore I don't want his antics to come between my girlfriend and me. I don't want her getting upset by all of this. I have reassured her that she's a great mother and is handling everything the right way and that he doesn't have a leg to stand on in court, if it ever comes to that. But she thinks he's such a convincing talker and can spin a web of lies in court. She knows how controlling he use to be but I have comforted her and have let her known that he will not control her anymore. And that includes using his daughter as a weapon against her. I just don't know what to do to help make this situation better.
Thank you everyone.
Re: Need advice, difficulties with biological father
He lives with his parents 700 miles away in Ohio. A visitation plan B wasn't covered in the parenting plan at divorce so they have come to a mutual agreement on when he can see her. He will get her at spring break when she is out of school and for the entire summer break. We even told him that we'd make the drive and meet him half way to pick the girls up. And by girls I mean his other daughter who lives here, who he had with another woman while he was still married to my girlfriend.
He acknowledges that he was a horrible husband and despite all of that he is a good dad.
We really wish that she could video chat with him more during the weeknights but there just isn't enough time. We both get home at 5:30, have to make dinner, eat, do her homework, let her take a bath, read with her, then it's bedtime. Our evenings are jam packed as it is. We'd want to make sure that she has ample time to video chat with him and not have her rush through it. But he talks with her on the phone every single night before bed and every single morning before school.
We are in no way trying to prevent her from communicating with him. In fact, sometimes when she's asked if she wants to call daddy she lets out a sigh for whatever reason. A lot of times we're the ones who come to her to get her to call or video chat with him.
I'm not sure you can make this situation better; I think you just keep on the same path - being a nice, stable guy, and letting your GF deal with her ex and custody issues.
Continue to support her emotionally and let her vent to you; remind her that he won't take her to court, etc.
Beyond that, live your life day to day. I'm sure you are frustrated, but this is part of the reason that being a step-parent is hard. No easy answers here.
What stress outlets do you have - beer and NFL games with the guys, lifting weights, etc?
We could try to arrange that she eat dinner and do a video chat with him at the same time. That's a good idea. Maybe then he could get her to eat everything on her plate.
If I were your girlfriend, I would reconsider the Facebook thing. I would defriend my ex-husband and block my profile so he can't see anything. And I would include family members or anyone who might be sympathetic to him and share content with him. I would hate to get that petty about it, but it seems to trigger the unwanted behavior from him. She should be able to post any photos and comments she wants to without fear of aggravating him.
The girlfriend could create another facebook page solely dedicated to keeping father and daughter in touch, include those family members on his side. Managing and editing photos and comments would be much easier.
But honestly, if it were me, I'd remind my ex-husband that calling me a b*tch and threatening to take me to court makes me less inclined to help keep them connected, that he'll have to figure it out on his own at 700 miles away. And by the way, yeah, my boyfriend taught his daughter to ride a bike. But I can get vengeful like that and it's probably not very helpful.
Perhaps family counseling will help you? It's good that you and your girlfriend seem to be handling it okay, but maybe it would help you alleviate stress and give you some more tips on how to best handle this guy?
Ditto this.
Especially the counseling - - some states have parenting / co-parenting classes that help. Sometimes they are mandated during divorce cases where a child is involved.
You might also post on the blended families board (part of thenest). They probably come across this and could offer better advice.
I would also tell your gf that the way to respond to his demands / threats / bad-mouthing is NOT to be more accomodating, but to pull back. He curses her out on FB? He gets blocked (along with any of his family members). He complains about her losing a tooth and not getting a photo? He can make a trip back to your state and take his own photo. She can follow the CO to the letter, but she is not obligated to do more, and if dealing with him is so difficult, she is not required to give him "extra." I would agrue that it is in the child's best interest that her mother not be berated and bullied by her exH.
Remember, his moving was a CHOICE. If I'm reading your post correctly, HE moved from the site of the family home. He needs to realize that there are consequences to the actions that he made on his own.
She has since defriended him on Facebook. Actually, he defriended her (for what seemed like the 10th time) and then sent her another friend request which she ignored. However, she is still friends with some of his relatives on Facebook. Maybe I could talk to her about considering defriending them if they're going to be sympathetic with him and potentially let him see her profile. Even though she may still get along with most of his family it still seems a bit weird and awkward to me. However, when her daughter is old enough to get a Facebook account I could totally see her adding relatives from her dad's side of the family to stay in contact with them.
She has told him that her personal life is private now. He won't always be privy to the specifics and details about what is going on in her life. But he will know what is going on in his daughter's life.
I can get vengeful too, believe me, but I feel it's not best for this situation. However, it shouldn't stop us from reminding him how convenient we are making this distant relationship between his daughter and him.
Family counseling is something I mentioned to my girlfriend the other night. We will have to look into it more.
Absolutely. This is something that he needs to realize.
We are certainly not going to go out of our way to voluntarily involve him in every single thing. If it's something his daughter wants, like taking a picture and sending it to him, then we absolutely will. If he wanted to be involved in every single thing then he wouldn't have gotten divorced.
He can't point blame at us when HE'S the one who moved away and there isn't anything in the parenting plan about a plan B for visitation or communication. We are more than accommodating to his situation.
He talks to her on the phone every single morning before school and every single night before bed? That is pretty excessive, IMHO. If she is sighing when she's asked if she wants to talk to him, and if you have to go get her to do a video conference, to me that signals that perhaps SHE feels the communication is excessive already.
I ditto the recommendation for family counseling, but I'd also encourage your GF to let her daughter have a say in what she wants in terms of contact. Does this little girl know that she's going away ALL summer? How does she feel about that? At 7, I would have loved a trip away during the summer, but I would not have wanted to be away from my mom all summer long, even if I spent that time with my dad.
How often does SHE want to talk to her dad? I think a weekly video chat plus perhaps 2-3 other calls during the week is enough. If he's talking to her twice a day, what could she possibly have to add about her day between the time they talked at bedtime and the time they talk in the morning? Perhaps if there were scheduled calls maybe two evenings a week, she could stay up a little later on those two evenings to have a more lengthy conversation with him, and then you could buy some extra time the rest of the days by not having two phone calls a day with him. She would probably enjoy being able to stay up a little later, and she'd probably have more to say to him if they aren't talking twice daily.
At some point, your GF might want to consider bringing her ex in for mediation to try to work out a new communication schedule. It sounds like right now she's giving him whatever he wants because he screams at her and calls her names if she doesn't. That's no way to live, and frankly it sets a bad example for the child involved.
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09
Honestly, this guy sounds like he has an entitlement problem. He's entitled to keep tabs on your fiancee, he's entitled to make decisions about her life, he's entitled to yell at her if she makes the "wrong" ones, he's entitled to her money (in the form of owed child support and the credit cards), entitled to dominate your daughter's evenings and mornings, entitled to credit for teaching her things he isn't.
I'm sure he has a sad story. It sounds like he's made bad choices and is having to live with some rough consequences. He might even be a mostly nice guy and working to make up for it.
But he's trying to put some of those consequences on you guys. The more you let him, the more he will do these things because he will see you guys as willing to give him what he "deserves". In my (admittedly not vast, but fairly deep) experience it will always be that he deserves it (so long as it's good) and will just expect it from you with no special gratitude or express rage when you keep what he deserves from him.
Stop.
Your daughter deserves to know her father and have an ongoing relationship with him. That means keeping him updated on her life, making sure communication available and sometimes an extra effort so they can see each other. But it is about what she deserves, not him.
He does not need access to your fiancee (or you) beyond what your daughter needs. You do not need to help him figure out how to be a good father. You keep protecting your little girl from the fallout between the parents, you keep the focus on her positive relationship with him. He figures out his own shiit. This has worked best for me. I now have a distant and cordial relationship with my controlling ex and my daughter has a happy one.
I wish you guys the best of luck."The meek shall inherit the earth" isn't about children. It's about deer. We're all going to get messed the fuckup by a bunch of cloned super-deer.- samfish2bcrab
Sometimes I wonder if scientists have never seen a sci-fi movie before. "Oh yes, let's create a super species of deer. NOTHING COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG." I wonder if State Farm offers a Zombie Deer Attack policy. -CaliopeSpidrman