Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
We are having problems. Big ones.
I haven't wanted to talk to anyone in real life about this and it's really hard for me to talk to you guys about it, but I need to get it out.
DH and I are really not doing well. At all. He is so hurtful to me sometimes. No matter how much housework, shoveling, homework, work, etc. I do it isn't good enough. If I get a bad grade on a test he tells me I didn't try hard enough. If one of the cats throws up, he tells me I don't take care of them. If Ryan has a runny nose (and he does a lot, he's gotten 10 teeth in the past couple of months) he tells me I shouldn't take him places he'll get sick. He belittles me constantly
I am stretched to my breaking point. I have 8 hour clinical days twice a week (with an hour drive each way both days). 6 hours of classroom time each week. 8 hours of work each week. After one of my 10 hour clinical days including driving time I have to go back to school for an additional 2 hours of supplemental class time. Add in another minimum 7 hours weekly of homework, clinical paper work, studying, study group.
I'm also expected to do all of the cleaning, cooking, laundry, putting away/folding the laundry, pet care, and Ryan care. Greg's idea of "helping" is to take a load of clothes out of the dryer (not folding them), leaving them in a ball and then getting mad at me when the cats lay on them and they have to be re-washed. The house has to be spotless when he gets home (including Ryan's toys) or I'm "stressing him out"
He b!tches at me about money constantly when he is the one who spend about $8000 more on a car than we could afford without asking me first. He screwed up our taxes last year and we owe the IRS anything we would be getting back last year. He swears it was over an $8 discrepancy. But of course never called to follow up.
And on top of all that stuff I have to do, I'm "neglecting" him if we don't have sex more. Sorry buddy, twice a week is all you're going to get from me right now.
I tried talking to him about it and he said, "You know I don't like to talk about things". We've had this talk at least twice in the past 6 months. He finally agreed to go on medication for depression (which he's needed to do for years).
He is so unmotivated. He plays video games all the freaking time. He almost never wants to spend time with me, and if he does he snaps at me for everything from fastforwarding the dvr too fast to not rinsing off my toothbrush enough and leaving grime on the holder.
I am completely overwhelmed. I'm 25 and I'm miserable in my marriage. Nothing I do is good enough for him. My mom asked me how things were going yesterday and I just lost it and cried for a good 2 hours. I'm just done. I don't know if I can do this anymore.
I know it takes two to tango and I'm obviously not perfect, but I honestly cannot imagine being treated like this for the rest of my life.
Thanks for listening, I'm sorry for venting.
(I reserve the right to DD this later)
ETA: Yowza, sorry for the novel!
Re: We are having problems. Big ones.
Many hugs, vibes, T&Ps on the way.
Thanks you guys, it means a lot.
Ryan and I actually left and stayed at my parents' house for almost a week last week. It happened to coincide with Greg being sick, but I needed a break from him. I really thought things would get better and they're just not.
We had a huge argument a while back that went like this:
Me: I just feel so stressed out lately and it's worse at home
DH: Don't come home then!
I actually packed some stuff and was leaving but he begged me to come back, yada yada yada. This whole situation sucks. I feel like there is no good outcome.
I have to agree with Shelley about the couples therapy. A marriage involves two people, not just one person putting forth the effort to keep the relationship afloat. It sounds like he's struggling with things in his own life and he's taking it out on you because that's the only way he knows how.
I'm sure that you both talked at length before you started the nursing program and he was on board with it. Maybe you need to remind him of that. Going to school is difficult because it doesn't just end when you leave the classroom, like a job usually ends when you leave the workplace. There is absolutely no reason why he can't help out with the work around the house. Again, a marriage involves two people. Even though I'm a SAHW, I still expect Drew to pitch in and help every once in a while. There's no reason why he can't load the dishwasher or wipe up the counters. We didn't get married so that I could spend my life cleaning up after him. He's a big boy and can do some things himself.
I hope that you guys can work things out!
Mrs. Little Drew 10/25/08
Blog
TTC since 1/2010 - Dx with Stage IV Endo
11/10 - 100mg Clomid + trigger + IUI + Estradiol + Progesterone = BFN
12/10 - Unmedicated cycle due to RE not doing treatments in December = BFN
1/11 - 100mg Clomid + trigger + IUI + Estradiol + Progesterone = BFN
2/11 - Same sh!t, different month = IUI cancelled due to no response = BFN
IVF #1 - Start stims (Follistim) 5/10, add in Ganirelix 5/14
ER 5/21 - 13 retrieved, 7 mature, 5 fertilized; ET 5/26 - transferred one perfect 1AA blast. 3 snowbabies.
Beta 6/3 - 15.8; Beta 6/7 - 21.8; Beta 6/10 - 7
FET - Transferred 1 AA blast 7/11. Beta 7/20 - 311! Beta 7/22 - 784!! First u/s 8/10
*~PAIFW/SAIFW~*
Hugs to you. That can't be an easy situation to be in while you are trying to finish up school so you will be able to bring in more income at some point. Was he always like this, or did it get worse once you started school? I wonder if things will get better when you finish with school. Hopefully that will be the case. Even still he shouldn't treat you like this and you are right to want to at least try to fix it before you give up.
I would definitely say youguys should try couples couples counseling, maybe individual as well. Especially if he is struggling with depression it might help you both( hopefully he is seeing someone who is monitoring his meds to make sure his dosage is the best possible for him), him to learn to cope, and you to help understand what is going on with him, but also to at least have someone you can talk to help you deal with the stress of running a home, going to school, and raising Ryan.
I hope he is open to at least couples counseling. As Shelly said he needs someone to help him understand that he is expecting way too much of you without helping you out any.
My Knot Bio My Blog
So other people are noticing his behavior towards you? Can't say if that's good or not but it can help you with support and getting him to work on fixing things between the two of you.
I honestly would make it a sticking point to you staying. You can't continue in a one person marriage. You will get to a point where you resent him(if you aren't there already), and that won't make you any better of a mom or a student. It will cause you more stress. Honestly I wouldn't stand for being treated so badly for much longer.
My Knot Bio My Blog
{{HUGS}} It's not an easy situation to be in. I'm sorry he's treating you so badly. What concerns me the most is that he said "you know I don't like to talk about things." Well, you're right that it takes two to tango -- not just in creating the issues, but in working them out. If marriage is anything, it's a commitment to each other to work together to work out problems. I think that's the biggest difference between dating and marriage -- making a solemn promise to each other and, for some, in front of God, that the relationship you have is so important that you're committed to making it a success. When there's a child, it makes it even more important.
If he doesn't want to talk about things, and isn't willing to take care of Ryan, then what is it all about? And how on earth can you make it better without him talking about it? It seems to me that he's made the decision for you.
FWIW: YH should thank his lucky stars he gets it twice a week! If that's a dryspell, then it's the desert over here.
October 11, 2008
Trusty Gal blog|Trusty Tales
First off, you can always come here, we're here for you.
Second, you guys need to get on the same page. I can't stress enough that it's time for you both to really take a look at your relationship and your household. Plus it isn't just the 2 of you anymore, you have Ryan to think about. I think counseling is a great idea and I have a close friend that after their son was born things got rocky and counseling helped them a lot. Even just to talk about the things no one was saying.
You need make counseling and getting back on the same track a priority. If he won't do it, make the appointment and go yourself. If he really wants this marriage to work, he needs to put in the time. And using your schooling as an excuse is BS. I'm sure you all discussed it before you applied and you all discussed that both of you would need to pitch in for the house.
Do it sooner rather than later. A friend of ours just left her husband after being miserable for 4 years.
Wives Unscripted
Jackie I am so sorry you are going through this. It sucks that sometimes the relationship that should help keep you strong during stressful times seems the weakest.
I have to say the fact that you don't think he would do counseling worries me for you, even my dh who can get weird about stuff like that I am pretty sure would go. Ditto so much of what the other girls have said, this board really is a Godsend and I am glad you ventured back and felt you could post.
Please let us know how things are going, I agree with Shelley that if other people are noticing that could work to your 'advantage' when getting him to go to counseling.
So so many hugs your way!!!!!
Definitely try counseling. There's only so much one person can do one their own. And because he doesn't talk about things... he may be feeling the same way that you are but you just don't know it. (I say that because Dh used to not talk about things when we were dating, and once I would piss him off enough to yell at me how he was feeling, it typically was along the lines of how I felt. hes much better now, but we've been working at our communication for years)
I agree it's about you three now. And I would think presenting it as such may hit home a little bit better than just "I can't do this anymore" type of deal. You dont want him to feel attacked, so if you put focus on a third party and present it as something you two need to work on for the "third party" that may get you the results you'd like to see a bit faster. If that doesn't work, then I'd try a route using his mom, and people outside of the family talking to him.
Its good that he's starting meds for his depression, it's definitely a step in the right direction. And that should be acknowledge. That's a BIG deal, Good for him!! Not everyone is strong/brave enough to get the help they need for depression.
I'm a breastfeeding, baby wearing, cloth diapering, co-sleeping, anti-CIO Mommy
Raising Bean
Wives Unscripted
Married my hero on 10-11-08
Our bean was born on 05-19-11
I'm sorry you are having to go through this Jackie. ::hugs::
I agree with what the girls said. First off, your son is one, I think it's more demanding now than when he is an infant to take care of him. Greg needs to stop acting like a child (IMO) and step up as a father and husband. You and Ryan both deserve that. He can't expect you to take care of Ryan, go to school, work and clean the house all on your own. You need help and you deserve him to do his share of it. I wish there was more I could say, but we are here for you whenever you need to vent or talk about stuff.
Alexander David
11.25.09
my blog
Everyone has said what I can say... but know this--we all care about you and support you! Lots of hugs, thoughts and prayers are a'coming your way.
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry you're dealing with this.
Let me start out by saying that nursing school is TOUGH. It's tough by itself, not to mention while raising a young child and while trying to find that perfect balance between school, work, and home-relationships. It's very stressful. Trust me, I know first hand. Here I am, 3 months from graduation and I know how you feel. Nursing school takes 100% dedication. You have to be serious and you have to stay focused all of the time otherwise you can fall behind and it shows in your grades. In the past couple years that I've been in the program, Rusty and I have had some strains on our relationship too. I may have class three days a week from 8am-1pm, come home on those days, and go straight into the bedroom to study or read chapters or finish clinical homework. After a few hours of doing that, I come out of hiding, make dinner, eat with Rusty, then go back and continue with schoolwork until I pass out. On clinical days I have to be there by 8am and am there until 6pm, come home, make dinner, and then go study. I NEVER get to spend time with Rusty. This semester is even worse: eight 10 hour clinical days plus ten 12 hour days precepting in L&D, plus class two days a week 8-12, and 200 NCLEX questions due a week. We still get along when we do see each other, but we have our moments when we go off on each other due to us both being stressed.
What is going on in his life? What does he do for work? Does he work long hours? Is he having any familial problems outside of your marriage? How is he with Ryan? Is he short tempered normally? Maybe he's stressed right now about work...I know Rusty gets VERY pissy when he has a big project at work and then comes home and the house isn't clean (sorry, it's not on my top priority list right now!) or if the dogs get in his way. In those times, he is mad about anything and everything and he does not want to talk at all. He bottles it all up.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, but I want you to know that I am here to listen/talk whenever you need it. You are under alot of stress/pressure with school and everything else. Try to explain to him how you feel and see how that goes. I would suggest counseling if it continues. Feel free to message me on FB or on here if you want to talk! This too shall pass.
Jackie, I'm so sorry you guys are going through this. I totally agree that counseling is necessary for you guys at this point. Even if he won't do couples, something for you alone would be a good idea, IMO. It helps that other people are seeing it, you could both use some support as you make changes. I agree with the idea of approaching from a place about Ryan. He needs to grow up in a place where Mommy and Daddy are a team, and where he can see you supporting each other. That's going to be his model for his own future relationships.
If there's anything we can do, let us know. Even if it's just to listen.
Brie's Blog 10.11.08 The Top Shelf Bookshelf
my read shelf: