Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Say something....or not
Over the weekend my husband realized his mother can be quite verbally aggressive (I'd say it borders on abusive) to service people when she (a) does not get her way, (b) they're "too slow", (c) they or someone else makes a mistake, (d) other events of the like.
My MIL's behavior is not good, but my husband finally recognizing the behavior is awesome (husband tends to roll with a lot).
Latest example - Local upscale(ish) department store customer service representative could not figure out how to do what MIL wanted (some sort of special credit for an odd return/exchange situation). MIL then berates service person, "you're uneducated", "customer service here is terrible", "never shopping here again," etc. There's worse, but I don't remember it all. And the tone of voice, body language, is aggressive and demeaning. The service lady the whole time is politely trying to figure out how to do what MIL wants, calls supervisor, etc.
Husband knows about this because MIL called him to talk to the service lady (we've had to do this credit before) and husband could hear all of MIL's behavior. MIL even says nastier things about service lady to husband (right in front of service lady) to continue the digs.
So the question of the day - If we are privy to the behavior, do we apologize to the service person (in a way that MIL does not see it as that would only incense her more)? Clearly it is not our apology to issue as it's not our behavior, but we feel bad for the service people she berates.
Re: Say something....or not
Would you return to this department store just to apologize to the customer service representative? I think that's a little late at this point. While I think an apology would be nice in the moment (or moments following MIL's outburst), I'm not sure how effective it would be after the fact.
I work in public service and although it is unpleasant, what you described sometimes comes with the job. It sounds like the customer service representative handled herself appropriately given the situation.
We've been in a similar situation w/ MIL. Not so much that she berates people, but that she's just acting totally inappropriately (OVERLY affectionate /w a runner at a restaurant because the girl brought MIL a drink that MIL ordered. You could tell the girl was REALLY uncomfortable (MIL was hugging her, grabbing her face, gave her a $5 tip.... weird.)).
DH moved MIL away from the girl and turned to her and said "I'm really sorry".
It may not be your issue because you aren't doing it, but I would bet that the person would appreciate the fact that someone else at least recognizes that MIL is being rude.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Your mother in law is a PIG.
"Uneducated"? Eh, did she ask to see this person's resume??? How the hell does she know that? Maybe this person has been out of work, has a pretty good educational background and took that job for survival only!
I'd strongly consider giving your MIL the gate -- and tell her why. She's got no right to talk to anybody that way. And I'm pretty sure she treats everyone like that -- probably including you -- and you're not fessing up to it.
Did you say something to MIL? "Hey that was pretty rude." "why are you acting like a jackass?" etc. I would have walked away and made sure I'd NEVER go in public with her again.
People excusing her behavior is one of the reasons she continues to do it.
Those that work with the public unfortunately must suffer the verbal abuse of those that are unhappy people and like to take their unhappiness out on them. They constantly come into these type of situations daily. As far as your MIL, I would try to find a way to avoid being in these situations with her as little as possible. For example, the Department store situation, why did your DH take the call? Perhaps your DH could have said he was busy and got off the phone.
As far as the restaurants go, when you go out to dinner and she starts on the waitperson, perhaps your husband could call her out on her abuse? He could say something like "That was not a nice thing to say to the waitress/waiter, it would make our meals dining out with you a lot more pleasant if you were cordial to the waitstaff". Hopefully, calling her out on her bad behavior will stop it. Or she might not like it and lash out at him. If she does that, then maybe its time to consider not having dinner out at restaurants with someone that abuses you and other people
One of the reasons I could not work in customer service or directly with the public on a daily basis!!!
I would want to say to her "you are un-educated" comment this:
"Unlike you, att least I passed my ettiquite class!!! "
My MIL does similar things like this.... only to servers.... little snide digs and comments if something does come out the way she wants.... She thinks it's being witty.... everyone else thinks she is just an Azzhole. We don't go out to eat with them much.....
One time H asked her why she did that.... she didn't really respond but tried to act like the victim. She is really good at playing the victim....
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
Thanks everyone for the thoughts. I'm glad to hear that we're not completely off base wanting to issue an apology in the moment. And yes, we know there are greater problems and we do deal with them on a fairly regular basis. The big highlight of this recent blow-up is that my husband is even more on board than he was before.
<Doglove>
You're right, we wouldn't go back to the store post-event to apologize. I'm thinking more of an "in the moment apology" to indicate somebody knows the behavior is not acceptable.
I worked in customer service too and recognize this sometimes comes with the territory. Still is not appropriate. The service lady did handle herself very well (from what my husband told me).
<TarponMonoxide>
My MIL does not speak to me in the same way she does to service people. Her behavior is largely reserved for service people and I've heard it has been unleashed on her brothers. MIL has other irritating behaviors that she directs at my husband and I, but not the abusive language. I agree that just because someone works in a service job does not mean they are uneducated. Hence my feelings about my MIL's behavior.
<MagSugar13>
Agreed on the fact that people excusing her behavior is part of the problem. Husband and I do not. Unfortunately we are only two people and she's been acting like this for over fifty years. So our efforts sometimes do not make major changes in her behavior. My husband will very strongly tell her if she is out of line. But he still respects his mother so it's a tough line to juggle.
We truly believe there will be a time in the near future where we're going to have to "take a break" from them. Not that we'd cut the inlaws off, but they are definitely making it hard to interact.
<gina612>
Husband and I definitely try to limit the interactions related to situations that have possibility to go horizontal. With the recent phone call, my husband was just trying to help. As I said in my OP, he is just now realizing how her behaivior is really out of line.
We have a few restaurants that are on what I'd call a "safe list" that my MIL LOVES. She never seems to have problems there. So if we do go out with them, we try to limit it to a few restaurants that will pose the least amount of problems.
I wonder how much snot she's eaten over the years.
Don't worry, I'm sure it's just a myth that people who handle your food sneeze all over it when you are rude to them. And even if it was a little true, I'm sure the server would make sure your food didn't get any snot on it. Right?
It's tough Mrs. H. Luckily, I have supervisors who support me saying something to the effect of, "It's clear that you are upset and we can not have a reasonable discussion about this matter at this time. While I understand you are upset, I am trying to help." If they are still berating, I just tell them I am going to end the call until they can have a more calm discussion.
Why are you choosing to help her when she's acting like this? If I was you and she calls and belittles someone else while on the phone with you and still infront of them I would say something like "sorry but I cannot help you if you're going to be rude to these people, I'm sure they're trying they're best" if she continues you say "I'm going to go now, I cannot help you when you're like this"
let her know that you don't like the way she's acting and refuse to help, I think it's ridiculous to reward someone with your attention when they act like this.
if it were me and i were there i'd apologize in FRONT of mil to make a point about how nasty she is-or say something right in front of the person. so how humiliating to be tehre with her while she's acting like this.
In a store walk away after apologizing to the salesperson and telling MIL that you cannot stand by while she treats people in a despicable manner. I would NEVER dine out with her, I cannot imagine how much spit there is in her food and would fear my silence would indicate I agree with her.
She needs to watch John Quinones' show "What would you do?" he had one on rude restaurant customers. Maybe she would see how she looks in other people's eyes.
Frankly, I wouldn't even go in public with her.
Never heard of the show "What what you do", I'll have to look it up as it sounds interesting.
I have expressed to my husband the concern over spit in my food. He agrees. While I think most servers would not do that, I've worked food service and seen a lot of interesting retaliatory behaviors.
MIL is not always as described above - most times she is pleasant and at worst, irritating (she's the customer who will want to compliment the check-out clerk at the grocery store effusively for their earrings). Nonetheless, we do limit public exposure.
Your dh could have refused to help your MIL unless she stopped this; or he could actually apologize for her in front of her and not cared that it upset her. Her behavior was appalling; why does he care if it 'upsets' her that he apologizes for her?
Acting like he agrees with her/not apologizing/trying to make nice with her just shows what a *** he is. Why on earth does he get hooked up in these situations with her in the first place?
Its not your job to apologize for your MIL, especially after the fact. If you were with her maybe say an "I'm sorry" as you are leaving. Or tell your MIL to go shopping while you take care of the hastle for her.
I work in a customer service type job (fyi: I am NOT uneducated, I have a college degree and graduated with honors but with the economy and all I have to pay the bills even though there are no jobs in my field. I also work with an incrediably intelligent man with a law degree who can not find a job.)
I get yelled at and bereted all the time. People are rude, but working in the industry you develop thick skin. It wouldn't be the first time, it won't be the last. I take it with a grain of salt and having a family member apologize for them would do little to nothing to make the situation better.
You need to speak to your MIL.
Came back to edit my original because I was under the impression you were with MIL and then MIL called DH.
My question would be about the supervisor aspect...do you know if your MIL complained to the supervisor about the CSR? Your husband might want to contact the supervisor and explain that the CSR was above board in servicing his hostile mother...just in case the supervisor would be tempted to put a little something in the CSRs file.
still, i dont think that justifies MIL behavior. I would talk to her on the side, tell her she needs to control herself. being on the other end is NOT fun and i would stop other from acting this way just so no one else has to experience this.
My family has this issue with my grandmother(not as aggressive or rude as your MIL). Many people take it, I do not. When I am out with her, I point out that if I were the waitress I would be super offended by her behavior. Generally, my grandmother is not trying to hurt anyone's feeling intentionally. I also have apologized to service workers.
Clearly your mother in law knows she is being rude. If it were me, I would apologize to the worker....in front of my MIL. Maybe tell her you don't want to go out with her unless she changes her behavior. Totally unacceptable. You going and apologizing behind her back only coddles her behavior.