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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Did anyone grow up with a parent who drank?
My mom was the responsible breadwinner growing up. While my dad just worked odd jobs and made some quick money that he partied up most of the time. He kept on living the single life even though he had my mom and I. Even though they always lived together and stayed together, he wasn't always around. He'd go drinking for a couple of days, come home late at night and start fighting wth my mom and I had to listen to it. I was always scared he was going to kill my mom. He never put a hand on me or anything but he never cared to keep it down or grow up because of me either. I went to school dead tired and never told anyone what was going on at home. My mom kept her job her whole life and a good face but our relatives knew. They never understood why she didn't leave when she didn't have to stay since she was the one with an income and all. They did take a break one time but she took him back. Long story short. I never talked to my parents about this (or anything). I moved away and didn't see them for a few years. But we always kept it touch and pretended like this never happened. This was never talked about. My mom has always showed me so much love and taken such good care of us. I can really say she's the best mom in the world and everyone that knows me/her would say the same thing. Therefore everyone that did know kept thinkng she deserved so much better. The problem is today. My problems because of my childhood and never feelng really safe came later in life. I tried seeing a counselor and talked about it but it felt like it got worse and didn't help at all. I tried medicine and stopped because it didn't do anything for me. But what is hurting me the most today is my relationship with my parents. I can tell that they have really tried so hard to get close to me the last ten years and I'm not letting them in. Not even my mom who has been the nicest and sweetest to me and would do anything for me. That's killing me and yet I can't stop being the way I am toward them. I am not mean or anything like that. I help them with anything and I spend time with them BUT I'm so quiet and I am not myself in their company. With other people I am talkative and friendly but with my parents I become this little quiet kid again and I don't say much. I only answer to questions but I don't share any pleasantries or anything about my life. I just close up and I absolutely hate being like this because I can feel and see how they are trying so hard today. And I don't want to hold this grudge because I can see how they now are older and my dad is in really poor health. He could go any day and I know I will feel so terrible for being this way. But why can't I let go???!!!! When I don't want to be this way at all. Especially to my mom! But it's like I'm still mad and upset that she chose to stay with him like she did. I will never understand why when she deserved so much better. And I know I will never be able to ask her or bring this up because she would get so heartbroken to find out how I'm still hurting because of this that it could actually kill her. I feel that it's too late to reharsch things and sit and ask why and all that. It's too late.....but how do I put all my feelings away and take them for what they are today? Please help me.
Re: Did anyone grow up with a parent who drank?
It kind of sounds to me like you're grieving for the childhood you didn't really get to have. You are entitled to your feelings, and it is not wrong for you to feel the way you do, even if it seems completely irrational. Don't get bogged down in how you're "supposed to feel."
While counseling might not have worked for you alone, it might be good for you and your mom to go to, together. She probably has unresolved feelings from when things were bad that it would do her good to get out to. If you know that your uncomfortable around them, she probably realizes it to. It's not fair to either of you, to have this incomplete relationship.
As far as your dad goes, I know it will be impossible to just erase, all the craptastic things he did during your childhood, so don't try to forget it, or even necessarily forgive it right now. If you think he's trying and you want to give him a second chance, turn the page, and leave the past in the past. Let each day from here on out stand on its own. If he makes an effort just appreciate the effort, for its own merits, don't compare it to anything he did in the past. Instead of well today was ok, but he'll probably screw up tomorrow; just think today was a good day with my dad.
You don't put all your feelings away; you deal iwth them. My dad and stepmother were alcoholics; life was just hell for us. Just shutting down the subject is what you've been doing for years, and you see where that's gotten you.
I first got some help with this in my twenties; and would strongly recommend for you to go to an Adult Children of Alcoholics support group in your area; and also Al Anon. I attended both of these, as well as some individual therapy, and it was so helpful. Please make the calls in your area, and get yourself some help. "Rehashing" is not the point; and no, this will not kill anyone.
Al-anon. It will not only help you understand your feelings, it will also help you to understand codependency and why your mother stayed. It will also help you understand that alcoholism is a disease. Your father didn't choose to be the way he was. Odds are every morning he woke up, he vowed to stop drinking and do things right. By evening, the voices in his head were telling him one drink won't hurt. And from one drink, there was no going back. He just couldn't do it without the right help.
A personal therapist is a good idea too, it will help you deal with the anger and sense of loss you speak of, but the people at Al-anon have all been exactly where you were, can help you understand the ins and outs of alcoholism, and is a good place to start.
Don't underestimate your feelings about your Mom by saying how wonderful she was and how sweet. For me it took a long time to just let go of the anger toward my mom for not protecting us and for not leaving him.
My mantra was they ruined my childhood that I would be damned if they ruined my adulthood. Try Al-anon and a therapist. I wish you peace in your journey and know you are not alone.
Hi!
You have about the same family background as I did! When I got into my 20s, I got stuck though. Feelings of anger and resentment boiled within me and I couldn't let them go.
I finally found the ability to release all those bad feelings and look at both parents with love and forgiveness.
This was a long time ago. At the time, John Bradshaw was very popular for helping adult children of alcoholics. He had lectures and books that helped me a lot. Here is the link: http://www.johnbradshaw.com/
Good luck. You can get through this and you'll feel so much better for doing the work.
-K
I apologize for my terrible writing and rambling but it was the first time I put it down in writing and I just kept on going:) Thank you for sharing your stories and giving me some advice. It's like you said: "feelings of anger and resentment is boiling inside me" and I can't let it go no matter how much I would like to. It's like I blame them for the way I live today and how I deal with life. I can't help to think about how my life could've been different and better if they would have been more involved in my upbringing and life. But my mom was too busy taking care of us and my dad just wasn't around enough and when he was he was just sleeping and not part of the family.
Now they're older and in poor health and not a day goes by without me thinking how something can happen and me feeling guilty for not really talking to them. It's like I'm trying to "punish" them by not really talking to them or involving them in my life. But I don't want be this way! I want to go from today and not think about yesterday or today. Who knows how much longer I have them in my life?!! This is really killing me and I feel so guilty for being this way. My head keeps telling me that my dad just didn't know any better and probably had a tough childhood himself. He was never taugt to show any feelings and took that with him. Today he's really making an effort in trying to talk to me and take an interest and all i can think is "where were you my whole life"?!!
But if something happens to him I don't know what will happen. It's so bad that I wonder if I would do something stupid because I don't know if I could live with the guilt of having been this way. Or my mom would be even worse because she's never been anything but nice and caring. I worry myself to death over this. But all this resentment and hurt keeps me from getting too close to them.
I hope I some day can take the time and effort to deal with this like you're all advising me to do and I hope it won't be too late then.
One thing I might suggest is to write a letter to each of your parent's or just your dad; whoever you feel most animosity towards. Write out all of your feelings; good and bad, why you feel that way, why you dislike this or that, etc. Just let it come out. Cry, get angry, question things, etc. Take that letter and use it as your release. You never have to give that letter to anyone. In fact, a lot of people that do this also turn around & burn the letter as a final way to say goodbye to that part of your life. You can't fix what happened in the past, only to take what you have learned and move forward. Holding a grudge isn't a terrible thing, imo. It keeps a small reminder to yourself why you feel that way. Having those feelings is not wrong, either. You can be upset, mad, frustrated, hurt, etc. but feel the emotion and feel it deeply. Then, let it go. Every day is a new day to win the struggle. If you don't find some way to release your feelings now, how do you think you will feel when they aren't around anymore? Take whatever steps you can handle one at a time. I can tell you for me, this took years. Some people not so long. I had to find a way that I was comfortable with and then do it until I no longer felt like it was an issue.
Thank you so very much for your advice on this, I really appreciate it. I forgot to mention that I did put something in writing and left them a book about "kids who grew up with a parent who drank" and how it affect them deepy. I remember leaving it many years ago when I moved out. So I know they read it and took it to heart.
But again, we never talked about it because I moved away and we kept on pretending like nothing ever happened. Although my mom had my dad write me short note that stated "that he was proud of me" and that I was great. I had never heard him say anything like this in my whole life because all he did was comparing me with other people and how great they were. So I know they have an idea of how I feel but I don't think I would want them to know how badly it affected me in life.
I might take your advice and put something in writing for myself:) I'm just shocked by mysef how I can be so aware of how I will feel if and when I don't have them around anymore and still not do anything about it?!! When I know I will regret it one day.I can't help to wonder what it would take for me to change. But I'm still hung up on thinking "that I can't change overnight if I've been a certain way toward them this whole time". I'm so closed up and quiet with them so how do I go from that to suddenly be the way I am at work and private life? That's not who they know and I'm more caught up in keeping that appearance than being more open and mysef around them.
You can't change their behavior. It's not your fault. I can't echo strongly enough PPs and recommend individual counseling. The healing process tends to stir up a lot of feelings, and it can make things seem a lot worse (especially in the beginning when you first start making progress). I really encourage you to stick it out, because the benefits in the long run will enable you to live the rest of your life.
Good luck with the healing process. There's no two ways about it- being the adult child of an alcoholic stinks...But it can get easier, and maybe even those relationships can be healed with a lot of time and work.
I grew up with an alcoholic and drug using Mom. She hid it from my Dad until I was 9 or 10, then they got divorced and she dragged me with her. I lived with her and her ex who also tried burning her house down with her and my brother in it at one point. Also with a literal crackhead that I distinctly remember being sent out to buy drugs. They may have even used meth while I was in the house. I was pretty young so details escape me, but I wasn't a stupid kid and I knew what I was seeing.
I was kept from my dad for a few years, but then I knew I couldn't keep living with my Mom or my future was going to be like hers. So I went to live with my dad and his new family, which turned out to be a serious godsend.
I hardly ever see my Mom because although she has good qualities, she is still an alcoholic. I do not want her to have a close relationship with my children because I don't trust her. She's a chronic liar and cheated on my dad several times. And legal trouble out the wazoo.
She is 51 and cannot build a stable life. Her ex recently died from an overdose, and she was living with him for a year while they both used. Then she hooked up with a guy who also does drugs. Also moved in and has never lived in her own place. At least not since I was 11.
I don't feel bad for still feeling some degree of resentment towards her. I still love her but I can't handle her lifestyle.
I understand how you feel because even though your parents are in a bad situation, it's very hard to get over.