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Need advice on how to talk to MIL...long rant...sorry
My IL's are retired and they live next door to us. My DS is a year old. When he was almost 4 mths old I agreed to come back to work part time. MIL graciously offered to take care of DS while I am at work. She was already watching her other two school age grandchildren in the morning and after school, days off, etc. My FI has off every other Fri so pretty much MIL watches DS 3 days a week.
As you can imagine I have had several issues along the way as to her decesions in caring for my son. For the most part I kept my mouth shut because I am too afraid of confrontation. For a long time I have asked FI to communicate my concerns to her but that doesn't seem to work well. It is his mom and he seems just fine with whatever she wants to do.
So the current issue is that she is turning on the TV first thing in the morning and as far as I can tell it is on cartoons all day long until I get home around 2 PM. Factor in an hour maybe hour and a half nap and my son is watching at least 4 hours of TV a day. Used to be that he would not really notice the TV but for some odd reason I notice that she is constantly directing his attention to the TV, "look at Mickey Mouse", "what's donald duck doing", "look it's a train", "watch them dance". So normally he would just be playing but it is like she is adament that he watch TV. And apparently according to her he doesn't like Seasame Street so she doesn't turn that on for him. I'm no expert but aren't PBS shows like Seasame Street supposed to be the "healthiest" programs on TV??
Up until this whole TV issue I really thought that MIL was an intelligent woman. But sadly I am starting to question her. What person in their right mind would think that ploping a 1 yr old in front of the TV all day is a good idea?
Not to mention that weekly if not daily she is going around giving advice on what food is healthy and whatever the lastest current issues are that she has heard about on the Today show or other news programs. Like when she told me I needed to remove all dog food from my house because it was going to give my child deadly salmonella. So doesn't the freaking Today show ever have the topic of how bad TV is for kids?
Any advice for a nice way to tell her I don't want my kid watching TV all day?
Re: Need advice on how to talk to MIL...long rant...sorry
I think you have DH problem here and not a MIL problem. Unless you deal with your husband and you both get on the same page, it's going to be hard to fight this fight alone.
Can you look into other options for daycare? While your MIL babysitting your kid is probably free, it's not free from strings. Sometimes paying the money for things is better than accepting freebies. Especially when you aren't on the same page as the freebies.
"Starting tomorrow, we will be taking our LO to a licensed daycare provider. We appreciate you doing us the huge favor of caring for our LO for the last few months."
Free childcare is rarely ever, and certainly in this case, not really 'free'. You can't have it both ways, if you want someone to follow your rules and have your child doing something other than watching tv, pay a qualified sitter.
It also sounds like there needs to be a conversation with your H about supporting you. Even if you don't have her babysit I can't imagine boundaries will be easy to maintain living next door to each other.
I apologize if I'm confusing you with someone else, but didn't you just get engaged like a month ago? Did you already get married?
Nope, that's me...Sorry FI not H.
I think you have an H problem, not a MIL.
Speaking of which, you referred to your H in your post but your bio says your wedding isn't until later this year. Did you move your wedding date up?
I'd enroll him in daycare. PT shouldn't be too expensive if you find the right place.
I would also add - - now shows like "Mickey Mouse Clubhouse" (and Dora and Go Diego Go) are as "educational" as Sesame Street - so if that is ok, Mickey Mouse clubhouse should be ok (not all day like he is watching, but if it's the type of shows vs. the hours that bother you, that shouldn't be an issue). They "teach" things like sharing, letters, counmting, animals, helping others, etc.
-It doesn't matter what the show is, really sesame street is equal to dora and mickey mouse, this should not even be part of your arguement. They all are t.v. and they all "attempt' to teach kids some kind of lesson.
-if you don't want your kid watched by her the way she watches them then time to go to daycare and spend some $.
- Really I'm wondering if there are other issues and part of it is just the fact that you live so close to her. Why on earth would you move next door?
Renegade- did the OP say somewhere that they are seeing a marriage counselor?
I know that a couple of months ago she was so upset about him not proposing that she was wearing her engagement rings from her ex, so IMO this isn't the healthiest of relationships anyway.
One year old is a great time to transition to a child care setting. As you've noticed, it is when they really become aware of the world around them and absorb everything like a sponge. The difference between 12 months and 18 months was remarkable. My DD was sooooo ready for the toddler room (18 mos.) and she was soooo well adjusted and interactive when she left the infant room.
I have a great program and it is worth every penny.
And I hate to say it, but toddlers are a lot easier when they zone out in front of a TV and lots of adults don't care for Seseme Street - sooooo that's what's probably going on.
She's not your MIL; she's your fiance's mom. She'll be your MIL when you get married, which is whenever.
And if you want to tell people exactly how it is you expect a job to be done, you'd best be paying them. Stop with the freebie daycare/tv fest and hire a professional to watch your kid, and let Grandma be a grandma.
yes-your fiancees mom (since you're not married) is free-but on her terms.
if you don't like her terms by all means take the kid to a daycare facility that you pay for.
Pay for daycare.
What I honestly don't get - if you aren't happy w/ his care, why is there an issue? Why aren't you finding other care? Your sons health, safety and care should be more important than "oh, I'm worried about upsetting my MIL" (or FI for that matter, and if upsetting him is a concern, then that speaks volumes to how NOT on the same page you are).
My parents watch DS 2 days a week. By and large, they follow our lead. There are a few minor things that they do different, but they are minor and we roll with it.
We KNOW our IL's aren't capable of watching DS despite their desire to do so. As much as it sucked, DH finally had to tell FIL that he didn't feel they could watch DS.
But the key there- DH is on the same page as me. And our DS is more ipmortant to us that our IL's feelings.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm guessing that being a more active care provider for several kids is too much work for your MIL. And who can blame her- she's already raised her kids.
If you don't like the way she's watching your kid, make new arrangements.
I'm going to disagree with everyone here...it doesn't sound you've even broached this subject with FMIL, so you should give her and this situation a fair shot.
Pick out toys you would like you child to play with during the day, bring them over and leave them there. Say "I want to talk with you about how little one spends their day, he's getting older now and I want to try and engage him in his world more, and since you spend so much time with him, I want to get you board too. The one thing I really hope will come out of this, I want him to watch less TV, my sense is that is mostly what he does now and I want this to be limited to an hour total each day, perhaps the hour that you could use a little break yourself. Otherwise, I'm hoping the TV can be off and he can play with these toys, like this one hear, I like to take this one and hand him each block and clap when he puts it in (SHOW HER), if you feel like he's getting bored or too old for these toys, let me know and we'll replace them. I really appreciate you and what you do for him and for us, and I really appreciate you helping me with this"
I don't usually respond to posts on this board but wanted to comment on this one.
To me there has to be more than you not wanting your MIL to watch your DS because she lets him watch TV. You say yourself in your OP that as far as you can tell she is letting him watch it all day long, so basically you are just assuming she lets him watch TV for the duration of the day.
I think 1) you need to appreciate free child care, because it is hard to come by and it?s your MIL, not a stranger watching your child 2) Some of the shows now are really educational and 3) it sounds like you have other underlying issues with MIL, which if I had to guess, it is your H not going up to bat for you that really peeves you off.
My mom watches my son for me 5 days a week, FOR FREE. She lets him watch TV, and because of this, he has learned a lot of words and even sings songs at 18 months. The TV may be on the majority of the day, but my son plays with his toys, watches a little TV, eats, etc. Until you talk to your MIL you shouldn't just assume what she does with him while you?re working. As PP have said, find a daycare!
Easy solution...enroll him in a day care center pay the $$ and then you can complain all you want about their services. If you don't want the free daycare dont use it.
1 You have a baby daddy problem
2 she is at least interacting with him during this time so if you don't like what she puts on get some educational DVDs and ask her to put those on.
3 if this isn't working then it's time to pony up the $$$ for a licensed day care center.
Time to put on your big girl panties
I've got your rainbows and ponies right here
I'm respectfully disagreeing that this is a DH problem. I see this as a "the OP has a voice and needs to use it" problem. She has a kid now, she can't be too scared to talk to other grown ups - particularly when it comes to choices for her kid. OP is the one that went back to work, so in essence, the grandmother is watching the kid because the OP isn't. That makes OP the one who needs to oversee who is *her* substitute.
I see she has five choices.
1. Quit work, raise her own kid exactly in the manner she sees fit.
2. Remain silent as usual, either fully embrace the likelihood that this was not MILs dream retirement and she's old, tired and is going to make sure life is as easy as can be while keeping the kids physically safe.
3. Remain silent as usual (and this would include complaining to DH - or FI - couldn't figure that one out) and build up an unreasonable resentment towards MIL taking care of her kids.
4. Do either #2 & #3 for the short term but find other sitter accommodations by the end of the week.
5. Actually talk to the MIL in a nonconfrontational manner - which would start by asking what kind of activities do the kids do with her, what does the little kiddo's day usually look like. And basically see if the kid is watching tv all day and if the MIL needs this to end soon. It could be that the kids are being played with on the floor, taken for walks around the neighborhood, that sort of thing. If the answers aren't to the OPs liking, then she needs to share what her ideal would be and see what compromises can be made towards that end.
I personally wouldn't leave my child alone with someone whom I were too skittish about a talk turning into confrontation. That doesn't bode well for anyone.
I dont have advice on the rest of the stuff, but I did want to let you know something about the dog food. I used to work at a place that developed environmental assays for foodborne pathogens. One of the matrices we were required to test was dog food because (at least in the US) it is requlated for microorganisms to the same standards as human food for just this reason! They know that dogs eat their food and then go lick their owners' faces.
Just FYI there. Good luck!
I respectfully disagree that the grandmother is the OP's substitute; the grandmother is watching the child because *both parents* are at work and not able to do so, not simply because the mother is not. If dad were not also working, he would be providing the childcare and this would also be a non-issue. Upon OP returning to work, the decision who would watch the child is *the couple's* decision, not the mother's alone.
Especially since OP and the baby's father aren't married, both she and her fiance should sit down together to decide what ground rules they have for the care of *their* child, and what price they are willing to pay to maintain these (i.e., do these preferences mean enough to them that they want to pay for alternate childcare that will respect their preferences). Then together sit down with grandma and communicate their preferences for their child's care, with the full expectation that grandma may either be unable or unwilling to take care of the child if, for example, the parents don't want the kid watching TV during the day.
from a kid's perspective...
My mom was a teacher and my grandma watched me while she was at work from ages 1-4. Grandma and I watched Geraldo, Sally Jessy Raphael, All My Children, and Regis & Kathie Lee EVERY DAY for three years. I have vivid memories of watching all those shows.
Despite this, I turned into a really smart kid and an educated, employed adult who doesn't have a bunch of babydaddies.
Just sayin'. It may not be ideal, but I doubt that watching Mickey Mouse is going to be the only factor in turning your child into a brain-dead zombie.