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So whatever happened to that locked room for the in-laws? (super long)
Somehow my FIL escaped and I would like to put him back. Yup, it's a vent.
So this past Friday, (after only 2days home) MIL calls and leaves a message asking to come over, she was making us some dinner, wants to visit baby. Well she called in the middle of my nap, and we already had people coming to visit that night. I was annoyed, so I didn't call back right away. Fast forward Sat. am, make plans with MIL @ 10am, we will stop by @ 6pm, after having company at 2pm, then going to a housewarming at 4pm, kind of a busy schedule. She is fine and happy with that and we figured all was set. 11am, FIL calls, leaves huge guilt trip message on DH's phone, saying maybe DH could think about calling FIL back because his feelings were hurt that we never returned his calls, "Wha?" . DH just blew it off thinking it was a bit absurd because we had just made plans with MIL and because he doesn't respond well to guilt trips. So Delia and I stopped by after the party, (DH stayed later to have some time with friends) we didn't stay long, I needed to feed Delia, we were tired. I really didn't want to start an hour long feeding process 3 mins from my own home. Fast forward to yesterday afternoon...
FIL calls, his feelings are still hurt and he wants to "talk" with DH. He basically gave DH no choice and demanded that they get together at his house within the hour to "talk" about DH's behavior. Uh, DH is 28yrs old, not 5. Most of you know about DH's breakdown this summer and part of it involved his childhood with his father. My post pregnancy hormones kicked in and I was not going to let DH go alone. So all three of us packed up and went down there. Pretty sure FIL wasn't expecting that, neither was MIL who had just gotten home from work. FIL wanted to go in the other room, I spoke up and requested they stay in the room because whatever he had to say to Matt was going to affect me, which in turn would affect Delia, so he could say it in front of all of us. He took us on a huge guilt trip focused on DH and his faults, how he feels their relationship isn't improving, how he, FIL works 80hrs a week (his choice) and feels DH should help him more, wants he and DH's relationship to be buddy-buddy, how he could be gone any day and then what would Matt do? It was all about him and his feelings and his needs from Matt. DH's natural reaction in these situations is to shut down, which he did, then he started crying. I was so, so, so, angry inside. FIL went so far as to complain he had never been invited to our house ever, he was never invited to any of our parties. UH, what 20-25 yr old invites their parents to a party that includes drinking and such? We haven't even had a party at our house in years, our house is too small now. He even went so far as to mention that when DH confronted him this summer he brought up the past, so he started bringing up nonsense stuff from the past that Matt had done to hurt him, like not helping out with different projects over the years. Totally different than what DH went through as a kid. After DH shut down, I took over for him and FIL started to get a bit uppity with me, I was soo ready to tell him to watch his tone with me, but MIL spoke up. It was just one big guilt trip for a son who still needs time dealing with his dad expectations, who just had a daughter, who is in school and who is still in the healing process from this past summer. Luckily we got interrupted by one of his employees so we started to get ready to go. He finished his guilt trip by saying how much he loved Matt and how "so far" DH had been a good father. I spoke up again and said he is a good father and will continue to be a good father. 45 minutes after we get home FIL calls DH, we didn't pick up, he left a message about he wasn't happy with how the talk went and how he'd like to go out to lunch as a father and son, because he doesn't know how to help DH, he wants to be there for him, HE feels guilty. Ugh, just back off already!.... So what happened to that room?
P.S. Delia sat with MIL through the whole thing, smiling, grunting and just generally being cute...she's so awesome...
Re: So whatever happened to that locked room for the in-laws? (super long)
Ugh! How awful for you to have to go through this ever, but especially now
I have to say though that each time you, and DH, handled this situation beautifully. You always think you could have done something better, but I really don't think you could have. You were an awesome wife and mommy on this one! I honestly think IL's think these grandchildren are theirs! Um, you had your chance, some of you did good, the rest of you screwed up, now let us be the parents!
Somehow, you and DH try and ignore this, take a big breath and then snuggle that sweet baby girl
That is way too much drama to deal with when having a newborn! You are brave!
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. And I feel really bad for your H too.
The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware; joyously, drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware. -Henry Miller
http://cookthehumbletable.blogspot.com/
Agreed, massive kudos on your part. You are a strong woman. And I LOVE that you chose to have the confrontation in front of everyone. I think this is such a strong and in the end awesome decision. I often have tried and wished my hardest for our MIL confrontations to happen with everyone present because there is always stories that are relayed different depending on who is present.
You just had a baby. Your life is all about that baby right now and for the next 18 years. But especially right now. I would sum this up to FIL and say, our life is about our baby we can not worry about your hurt feelings or past issues, we need to be strong and together and that doesn't include anyone else.
Marriage and parenthood is tough. You need to spend the next months focused directly on that! Great job. I'm soooooo sooooo sorry you had to deal with this!
Wow, are you a good wife or what?!? I hope you tell DH that we all agree with you and that his dad needs some serious mental health interventions. I seriously feel like the way he is acting is a HUGE RED FLAG. He needs some serious counseling or something-- he is so out of line with his son. It sounds almost like he's bipolar and/or has a borderline personality disorder. In all seriousness. The controlling, manipulation, the all-or-nothing/black-and-white language and perceptions....
I couldn't tell from the story, but was MIL on your and DH's side? Was she neutral? Was she on FIL's side? I hope she was with you all, but if not-- she needs to open her eyes about her husband!
I wish I could just give you all a tremendous hug and then go kick your FIL in the shins (and a little further north, perhaps). You and DH make a good team, though, and I am sure he appreciates it! I can't imagine how he'd feel if he tried to deal with his father without a strong teammate!
I agree with this wholeheartedly, and also agree with everyone about how you personally handled the situation. Well done at being a strong and supportive partner for your husband! And extra-well done at keeping your cool!
I don't know what it is about crummy parents...all of their insecurities and guilt about their crummy parenting seem to come out when a new grandchild arrives. The day after we came home from the hospital with Owen, MH had to have a two hour talk with MIL in our basement because her feelings were so hurt about all sorts of things, including how I wasn't all buddy-buddy with her, they were there visiting and I was always on the couch with the laptop or TV, etc. etc. HELLO??? I'd just had a c-section and was recovering???? You're lucky I let anyone stay in my house.
Thanks for all the supportive words ladies. As for handling the situation, I honestly have to give major kudos to my crisis training at Sweetser. I got lots of bumps, scratches and bruises at that job but the crisis training has really helped me handle my emotions in tense situations. It is probably the best lesson I received there. It even helps with arguments DH and I get into.
FIL tried calling DH again today, and luckily DH was in the shower so I intercepted the call. I tried explaining to him that when he approaches DH in that manner it makes him anxious. I told him I wasn't sure if it was related to the incident when DH was 18, or if it was related to things that happened through childhood, but whatever it was it makes DH anxious to be in that type of situation. He told me he wouldn't do it again, and that he just wants to be there for DH. We shall see. I told him he needs to stop asking why and just accept that Matt has these anxiety issues and be supportive and not try to fix it, just accept it. He also let me know he didn't sleep at all last night thinking about what happened, and how now he is going to be up for the next 2 nights plowing, I told him he should have taken a Tylenol PM.
As for MIL she is DH's step-mom and she really does try to remain neutral. She is an amazing woman and tries to keep the peace for the sake of the kids and now grandkids. I think she just wanted to keep the calm in this situation especially with Delia there. Over this past summer I have gained major respect for her, before I didn't realize how special she was, and I assumed she was always in support of FIL. I now know that is not true. Once again, thank you for your supportive words and offers of traveling throat punches....