Sex & Romance
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
When does sex start to feel good?
I feel like a little kid asking this, but when does sex start to feel good? I waited to have sex until I was married. I got married three weeks ago and sex still hurts for me. We haven't had sex every day, but often enough. My husband has been so understanding and is trying his best to help try and make it hurt less by trying different positions, etc. But it always hurts, at least at first or it will have a sort of burning sensation inside during sex. I just want to hear from other women to know if this experience is normal.. Should I make an appointment to see my doctor and talk to her about this? Thanks in advance!
PS. I am on a low dose birth control pill...I heard that might affect it. Any experience with that?
Re: When does sex start to feel good?
Get some good lube (astroglide, ky, etc.) that, along with lots of foreplay will help things along for you and ease (or eliminate the pain).
Birth control pills can have a drying effect, try the lube and extra foreplay if those don't work then you may have to talk to your doctor about switching BC.
Have you ever had an orgasm? Alone or with your partner?
Foreplay is critical to sexual enjoyment. The vagina doesn't just stay ready for sex all the time. When foreplay starts, there are clear physiological changes that occur to a woman's genitalia...natural lubricant is produced, the vaginal walls expand and swell -- everything gets prepared for intercourse. If you are rushing to penetration, your body may not have caught up. If that is the case, the friction caused by penetration can result in microtears of the vaginal wall and the next time you have sex, those tears may get irritated again.
So, what to do? First, put necking and petting back on the menu. You may think of those things as "teenagerish", but they are important to send the message to your body that sex is going to happen. Perhaps you could initiate sex on the couch, start with necking and teasing, keeping him from moving to intercourse right away. Make it a game.
Then, move to oral sex. If your husband will not go down on you, you need to have a serious "Come to my Pus$y" talk with him. Oral stimulation is fabulous when done right. In fact, you guys should be striving for an orgasm for you BEFORE any intercourse occurs. If you have an orgasm, your body will be lubed and excited and ready for action. If he balks at the smell or taste, offer to freshen up before sex, but oral (both ways) should be on the menu most times.
Stop thinking about what you see in Hollywood movies or porn...it is unlikely that you will have simultaneous orgasms based on penile penetration alone (while holding hands in a soft focus room) and normal women usually can't take the 45 minute pounding that a porn star seems to take (remember, she takes breaks and more artificial lube is added). Real people sex is sometimes awkward and frequently involves directions. "Harder", "over to the right" and "Oh yes! That's the spot!" as important things to say to your partner. We have not perfected sexual mind melds yet, so if you don't tell your partner what is working (or not), you guys can't get to a state of sexual understanding.
I agree with the PP. It only was uncomfortable the first few times for me. Are you relaxing?? If you are still worrying about sex itself or psyching yourself up for it to hurt - you're body's not going to be ready for sex.
Play around with different lube, make sure there's lots of foreplay, starting thinking about having sex way before you are even in the bedroom, and experiment with oral sex - that always gets my body self lubricating. I get excited giving it as well as receiving.
Don't quit trying - you're way to new to this to give up and not look forward to it!
If nothing helps - go to the Doctor and make sure it's not a physical problem.
As previously stated, lube.If currently scruffy when it's not swim suit season. Give everything a smooth sugaring, waxing or shave all around your vagina. The hair can be scratchy an irritating to tender tissue.
I agree with everything in this post except for the bold part. If you both WANT to have oral sex, then go for it. But if even one of you is uncomfortable with it, the other should not be pressured into doing it. That is something the two of you need to figure out together, so communication (as this post stated in the last paragraph) is key.
Post marriage is a little late to be figuring out if your partner is not going to be giving/receiving oral sex. I'm not saying anyone has to do anything they don't want, but neither does the partner have to live with an oral-less marriage.
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I've been married for a year and a half, and I have the exact same issue. It really sucks. I've had multiple convos with my dr about it, and she confirms what pps are telling you--make sure you make time for foreplay, and use a lube--not the frilly tingling or warming ones, either, just a regular lube. If you are tense at all (and it's hard to NOT be tense in this situation), you need to just tell your H to slow down, take some deep breaths, and try to relax as much as possible.
Trying different positions is very smart, and it's good for your H too--we've finally found a position that works best for me and is the least painful.
My dr told me that my birth control is definitely the culprit, but a yeast infection could also be causing the burning feeling. If you haven't already done so, go see your dr and get it checked out. If your dr feels confident it's the hormones in the BC, then you either just figure out how to best deal with it or you can look into other BC methods.
Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you need more info.
Nope, it was definitely certain types of BC that was causing burning for me, so it cannot be completely ruled out. Although I agree with PP that it could be that OP is new to sex and may not be relaxed, etc.
I was not new to sex when I discovered a lot of difficulty with hormones -- I took them for years in fact, and then suddenly my boday changed and I can no longer tolerate them. The burning during sex was only one of the many negative side effects... lack of sex drive and lubrication were some of the others.
Use a good LIQUID lubricant. After we had the baby, I needed lube for the first time and jelly didn't help but using liquid made a HUGE difference.
Lots and lots of foreplay.
If that doesn't help, I'd check in with your gyn and make sure nothing is wrong. Especially because of the burning sensation.
It's worth going to the doctor! I have vaginismus which means sex is painful for me. I got married six months ago and after two months I saw my doctor and she told me I have vaginismus. After doing some of the techniques like using a dilator, LOTS of lube and certain exercises sex is getting less painful I'm really hopeful that soon it will be pain free. Just throwing my two cents in.