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Ain't too proud to beg...
Well I sure am! Let me warn you this is a long vent...
The past few months I have been struggling financially. I have had some unexpected bills come up that I had to pay. I also had to help my parents financially because I felt compelled to help them out. My dad gave us all that he could growing up so when he is in need I help him out with what I can. Me helping them out is not the reason for this vent. I have been barely able to make ends meet. I don't know how I got to this point as I have never been in this situation before. Just when I think I'll be okay something else comes up. Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?
H offered to help me out and give me some money. Most people would accept this offer, but not me. I have always considered myself to been independent. I have always worked hard to hold my own and have never asked, nor accepted help from anyone. I am stubborn and too proud, and I will admit that.
Well, H and I argued yesterday because he doesn't understand why I won't let him help me. I tried explaining to him that this is my problem and I will deal with it, simple as that. He kept asking me to let him help me and my response was and still is no.
I don't know what the point of this post was. I guess it allowed me to get all my feeling out and not keep them bottle up inside. If you read this thank you for listening.
Re: Ain't too proud to beg...
I hope things get better for you.
I know how feel about not asking for help. I've HAD to do it before with my parents and I always feel so guilty and ashamed like I should know how to do this by now and I shouldn't need to keep relying on them for help.
IF you end up getting help from your H then maybe you can do it as a loan type thing. That's the only way I could do it with my parents and feel okay about it. And I'm sure if he didn't want to help, then he wouldn't have offered. GL!
I guess I don't understand why you won't let your H help. For one thing, most people consider finances combined in a marriage, and that one spouse shares the financial burdens of the other. But even if you've decided to keep your fiances separate and pay your bills on your own, your troubles affect your husband. Your credit affects his if the two of you decide to purchase a car or a house together in the future. So it's in his best interest to help you out, not only because I'm sure he wants to help eliminate this stress so that you can be happier, but also because it involves him, even if it's indirect.
If you need help, I would think that your husband would be the best person to get it from (if he's able to offer it). The relationship the two of you have shouldn't be strained by it, unlike a friendship, and in a happy marriage the two of you shouldn't have trust or dominance issues.
I'm sorry you're having trouble, and I applaud you for wanting to do this on your own. However, I agree & ditto Laura 100%. I think regardless of what you may think or feel, your H will be (if he isn't already) affected by this, and I think in the best interest of your relationship you should do what works for both of you. Don't be so stubborn and definitely let him help you - it's not a weakness or a lack of independence, he is your husband & he is there for you - I'm sure you would want the same for him.
09.25.10
This.
I agree with Laura too. I think you've got to figure out what your joint financial goals are, and how to get there together.
I am very independent, and since H and I are older (32 and 36), it's taken us a few months to figure out how to join our finances. What we've done is get a joint account into which most of our paychecks are direct deposited, and then we each have a separate account, still tied to the joint account, where some separate funds are direct deposited. That way, I can buy shoes if I have my fun money, but we jointly take care of the big stuff.
I agree with Laura and pp's. You're now a team, and I don't see a problem with H helping you out.
BUT, I can also sort of see not accepting H's help for the money you loaned your parents. Mostly because if I chose to help out my mom or sisters, I wouldn't consider it DH's responsibility. While I get that he's part of the family now, my family was messed up long before he came along and I don't want to drag him into the mud. (Not saying this is your line of thinking - it's just how I would feel in a similar situation)
In the end, it's up to you and I'm sorry you are so stressed.
I guess to me it's like this: any debt I have, Jeff should know about, and accepted going into this marriage. If I were to loan money to someone now that we're married, I would consult him first and would only do it if he's okay with it. And even if we were keeping our finances separate, like debdeb, if I needed help paying a bill or something, Jeff is the first person I would turn to as long as he was financially able to help out. So if I was struggling and he offered, I would definitely accept the help. Maybe cut back on my spending, pick up extra hours, or sell some books on eBay so I felt like I 'paid back' the money to our communal fund (or actually give the money to him if we're really completely separate), but I would gratefully accept the assistance because it relieves the immediate stress.
Jen- YGPM
Well thanks for taking his side
I completely understand where everyone is coming from and I appreciate your words of wisdom. We are a team now and there is no I in team. I know that if the roles were reversed and he needed help I would offer to help him and would not take no for an answer. I have always felt like I don't need anyone's help because I handle everything on my own. I just need to accept that I need help and that I need to take it.
I can just imagine how he feels, knowing that he's offering to help me because he loves me and that I won't accept his help. It's making me feel ridiculous for not allowing him to help me. We're not all perfect and at times we need to let someone rescue us. So, I'm going to call him and apologize for being an a$$ and accept his help. I won't take his money but I'll let him pay a larger portion of the rent, or pay all of the insurance premium this month. Once I am in a better place I will take my turn to pay a larger portion of the rent, etc.
Deb - I'm just curious, and please don't answer if this is too personal, but just curious if you split bills 50/50, or by income? I've seen some horror stories on MM with people who split 50/50, but one partner has higher income. It reminds me of Joy Luck Club, where the H gave the W a cat, then made her pay for the litter and food. Ick.
MH and I have very similar incomes, so it wouldn't really matter in our situation. However, I do feel guilty about his bonuses going into the communal pot when I don't get any bonuses to contribute. He said he wanted to play with some of the money in an eTrade account, and while I don't think it's the best idea, I just said whatever. It's not like it's a huge amount or changes our budget or anything.
Anyway, I do wish you luck, and am sorry if it felt like we were ganging up on you, that was not the intent at all.
We split it 50/50. He makes slightly more than I do, but when he works a lot of OT he makes quite a bit more. He also has less bills than I do.
I don't feel like you were ganging up on me at all. I appreciate the honest comments.
I'm glad you don't feel like we were ganging up on you, because re-reading it, it sort of felt that way. It came from a place of good intentions!!
As for the 50/50, that's a tough one. We make the same now, so we split evenly, but Jeff used to make more so he covered more of the expenses. I think it would be fine to sit down with him, regardless of this loan issue, and say, "I was thinking, honey, you make xx% more than me, so maybe it would be a little more even if you started paying the entire cable bill (or something)." If you felt up to it you could just split everything 40/60 or whatever the income split is, but for us it was easier for us to roughly figure out what each should contribute and then divy up the bills that way - even now, he pays cable/internet and Giant groceries, while I pay gas/electric, insurance, and Trader Joe's. We split the rent evenly. Before, we split the rent evenly and he took over more of the bills.
That makes sense. H jokes that my expenses are higher than his because of my beauty product and clothes obsession.
i'm sorry you are in a financial "hot spot" and things are tough--TRUST me, i understand. this might be the opposite of what you feel comfortable with, but let me tell you, this is what REALLY helped me and gerren:
we always had seperate accounts when living together and it was a mess. we were always spending money on each other, loaning it to each other, etc. then we got a joint account and 75% of each our paychecks go in there. i make significantly more money than gerren does but i always spend more. now that themajority of our cash is all in the same pot, we just pay all the bills with it, buy family gifts with it, buy groceries with it, and if we were to loan cash to someone, we would discuss it together and then pay that loan out of our joint account. it has literally made a WORLD of a difference.
but if that makes you uncomfortable, i agree that in the short term, having richard pay more rent, etc would really help!
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