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Birthday Celebration with In-Laws
Two years ago my husband and I both celebrated a milestone birthday, as we are both the same age several months apart but my birthday is before his. For my birthday my IL?s took me out to an inexpensive breakfast. For my DH several months later they took him to a nice restaurant, had appetizers, and played bocci ball there also. Last year, same thing, they took me out to an inexpensive breakfast for my birthday. For my DH, they took him to a high end restaurant.
For the past year, whenever we take my IL?s out for their birthday, we have taken them out to a nice restaurant of their choosing, that includes MIL, FIL, BIL and unmarried Aunt.
This week we received an invite to inexpensive breakfast again for me for my birthday. I am upset now that I am not being treated the same as DH or anyone else in the family. I asked DH to ask his parents for us to go out to a restaurant that is nice but moderately priced. My concern is that this request might be rejected by his family. What should I do in that case? Should we not celebrate my birthday with his family or ?suck it up? and still go? If we chose not to go, what would we say to them?
Re: Birthday Celebration with In-Laws
This just doesn't seem like a big deal to me, you must be very young to be worried about this, and spending so much time paying attention to all the details, like who gets what when ...
I agree with "choose your battles," and also, if you're THAT stressed about it, just tell them you aren't available for the breakfast time, and see what they say then, if they try to re-arrange to an evening time.
But seriously ... I HIGHLY doubt they are secretly thinking and plotting, let's take her to a cheap breakfast, and make everyone elses a bigger deal!!!
Sorry but just like a gift, you can't dictate what someone gives you (in this case a meal). It's rude.
If you feel it's unfair then stop taking your in-laws and unmarried aunt to expensive restaurants. You gave them the power by letting them choose where they'd like to go so instead take them to somewhere you choose.
honestly, just suck it up and go and be grateful.
And really how do you know they don't do the breakfast thing with you because they figure they don't want to take up your entire day, maybe they think that if they took your for dinner you might not want to go and they feel like breakfast is the easiest best way to say "Happy birthday" without taking up too much of your time, they might do it for your H because it's their son, so they're not so concerned with taking his time on his b-day.
meh it's really not a big enough deal either way to make any sort of fuss about it. If you want to do something different with them for your birthday next year, why not suggest that they come over to your place and make them dinner. or say that you're busy in the morning but could do lunch or dinner?
I agree completely. Tell them you're taking them to their favorite breakfast place for their birthdays.
If they are treating you, you don't really have a choice... and it would be rude to suggest they take you someplace more expensive.
It would be similar to if they bought you a designer knock-off bag for Christmas and you complained and asked for a real Coach/D&B purse.
Is there a reason that they might think you like this restaurant or breakfast? I know in my family if we took my brother to IHOP he would prefer it over much "nicer" restaurants. He actually insisted on going to IHOP for his graduation. He just loves pancakes.
Be glad that you at least have in-laws who acknowledge your birthday and take you out to celebrate. When my birthday and my husband's birthday rolls around, my FIL doesn't say anything, do anything or give us any form of a gift (card, breakfast/dinner, a present, a handshake, etc.).
Nobody's holding a gun to your head and forcing you to take the in-laws out to expensive restaurants for THEIR birthdays. If you're so concerned about it, then take them out someplace inexpensive, or don't offer to take them out at all.
It would be BEYOND rude of you to ask (or be a coward and have your husband ask on your behalf) if they can take you out to a nicer place. If you hate the breakfast place so much, just tell them that you won't be attending, and after a year or two of that, you won't have to worry about them taking you out for breakfast at all.
That's the other side to it too - I just don't feel that my b-day needs to be a big deal in the lives of my IL's.
The fact that they do anything is nice.
As said, pick your battles.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
To reply to your first statement about being rude to ask to go to a particular restaurant on your birthday....my IL's do this to US all the time...so I guess they are being rude to us. My DH always takes them where they would like to go for dinner on their birthdays. He will ask them where they want to go or they will tell him. This has been going on for years. I think that will be a hard habit to break, as they are used to it and so is my DH.
I have never shown interest in this restaurant, though I know they like the food quite a bit.
Really? Do you also count Christmas gifts to make sure you have the same exact number of gifts as your DH?
Bottom Line: He is their child; you are not. Get over it and be sure to thank your generous ILs for thinking of you at all on your birthday.
Do you get a birthday dinner at all?
With me, I do dinner with my parents. We go out for my husband and his parents birthday to dinner, but that's that's birthday dinner, mine is with my parents so his is with his parents
I have never shown interest in this restaurant, though I know they like the food quite a bit.
You really shouldn't be judging your behavior based on what other people do. If your H asks them where they want to go and they answer then nope not rude, if he says we'll take you out to dinner and they say "sure how about this place" not rude. And for some reason if they are being rude why on earth would you think "hey no prob, I'll just be rude too." How does that work in anyone's favour?
Really why is this bothering you so much?
MIL sends out an email before their birthdays with the time and location decided and she will say "Is this place ok with you"? The place where they want to go for their birthday. It bothers me because they do weird quirky things that bother me.
Then break tradition.
When they ask you to go, go, be polite, be grateful and enjoy the fact that even though they maybe a little weird sometimes they're doing something for you.
When they're birthday comes don't do the norm. Why do you HAVE to take them out for dinner? Why not invite them over for drinks and apps. Send them a little email invite, or let your H do it, and let them know that you want to celebrate with them for their birthday in this way. If they say "we actually want to go to "this restuarant" you reply with", "go there another time, we'd really LOVE to have you over for your birthday's though.
MIL has made comments about "Oh, why don't we go out anymore" and if she ever said that to me directly, or really pushed the issue, DH and I would have no issue simply stating "Unfortunately, that's out of our budget".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Wouldnt you rather do a nice dinner with just your DH than spend it with your IL's? My IL's dont do anything for my bday but give me a gift whenever they happen to see me and I am totally fine with that. My hubby and I always have dinner at a nice restaurant of our choice for our bday and will invite siblings if we want a fun night out or just go alone if we want something low key.
However, if you do wanna do a nice dinner with them then just tell them what it is you want to do. When they ask you to meet at the breakfast place on said day, just say ~ we actually thought we'd do dinner at said place on said day/time instead, we hope you can make, we think it'll be fun. But in doing this, you will need to pay for yourselves if they normally pick up the tab. If they still offer that is nice but you definitely need to try to offer money when the bill comes.
This is not DH fault and certainly dont fight about it with him, just tell him what it is you want to do and if the IL's choose not to join you than oh well! If they reject your idea to go to a different restaurant then go anyway and its their loss. If they still only wanna do breakfast and you dont, then simply tell them no.
While I do agree that your ILS get to choose since they are treating, I DO think it's wierd that they don't at least check with you to make sure you like the breakfast place. Not that they need to spend more than they would spend on a breakfast meal, but if you aren't happy going there, it's not exactly a gift for you, kwim?
I don't think your ILS need to treat you "like one of their own." You're not. You're part of the family, but you are NOT their daughter. That's just the way it is. If you were treated "less" than another DIL, then I think your H should say something to them, but you really can't expect them to treat you to the same high end dinner that they treat their own son to. It is nice that they do ANYTHING for your birthday!
If you resent that you and H spend so much on their birthdays, then that is a separate issue. If treating BIL and Aunt are so expensive, then just don't invite them next time.
In my family we don't take each other out to dinner - we (or our spouses) either cook a meal at home to celebrate our/our spouse's birthday, or WE treat everyone to a restaurant meal.
Is it really shocking to you that they like the child they raised more than the person the child married?
Accept the invitation or don't. You don't get to dictate someone's gift to you, though.
THIS. you are NOT their child. what do you parents do for your husband? anything? maybe he feels like he's in the same boat.
and definitely be thankful you have in-laws who know when your birthday is. or care. not everyone has that.
My Shopping Blog
I am late to the party (no pun intended) but saw this & wanted to give my two cents...
Did you ever hear "it's the thought that counts"? They are acknowledging your birthday!
If you feel you need to make it more even, just invite them to breakfast on their birthdays!