October 2010 Weddings
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Tension in your relationship
I hope this gets the ball rollin'! Slow day!
When we were engaged, we had to do a weekend preperation class. One of the things we did was this, and I thought it would be interesting to do with all you ladies!
Pick the four areas that cause the most tension in your relationship. Feel free to expand:
Money
God
Sex
His Job
Your Job
Your Family
Religion
His Family
Sharing Feelings
Friends
Death
Interfaith Marriage
Alcohol/Drugs
Independence
Outside Activities
Your Personal Habits
His Personal Habits
Having Children
Other (Specify)
Re: Tension in your relationship
My Job
We work together, and probably shouldn't. I need a new job, and that's what's causing issues.
Sharing Feelings
I have a hard time telling him how I feel. And when I do, he doesn't take it seriously. He'll say, "Don't feel that way." Okay, well, that's how I feel so I CAN'T feel a different way. He's not as bad since we've talked about it, but he'll still do it, which makes me not want to say how I'm feeling.
Death
More of a personal thing, but his past (first wife passed away) gives me a lot of stress. I live in the house they bought together. All the furniture is the same, a lot her stuff is still here. It's a struggle for me to feel like this is my home, no matter what he does (this is all me, he doesn't make me feel this way).
My Personal Habits
The way I handle things I think causes issues sometimes. Like, when I'm mad, I shut off. I know that's bad, but it's just how I've always handled things. It gives me time to think things through...I can't just go back to normal when something makes me angry.
Money- He is a major tight wad....it is good in a way but at the same time, sometimes I feel like an old married couple because we rarely go out. I just want to spend our money sometimes on something fun and he has a hard time with that.
Work- We both hate our jobs. We both are under-paid and underappreciated. When we come home, we are both usually exhausted and irritated so that leaves little intimate time.
Sex- I think it is my meds but I am seldom in the mood and he is more than patient with me but sometimes I feel bad and like I am a bad wife neglecting her new husband. I have a dr. appt. next week so hopefully this will be addressed.
Our habits- I tend to be less that neat. I am not a slob but I will leave my glass on the counter instead of putting it in the dishwasher or a stack of papers on the table after I am done with them. he is a neatfreak and it gets to him sometimes.
He is incredibly slow. I am the type that when we say we are leaving at a particular time, we are out the door. But not him. That is the time he will start getting ready- putting on shoes (which takes forever), walking around making sure he has everything. It is a major production and it is annoying.
His Family
His mom and sisters are VERY strong willed and not only don't admit when they are wrong, they don't have the time to listen to others' opinions. I am strong willed too, but I am also very aware of what others' think and/or feel. DH hasn't stood up to them his entire life and now when he does they think it comes from (evil) me.
My Family
I know DH gets annoyed by my sisters sometimes, but keeps it to himself. The tension comes when I try to drag it out of him, because I can tell something is bothering him.
Money
Sometimes DH spends money on crap and I know I spend money on stuff he thinks is crap. It bothers me that I am willing to tell him his stuff is wasteful, but he won't say it to me. It makes me feel like I am being mean and hurtful.
His Personal Habits
Ken has been fighting his weight his whole life. We have had some tense moments since he started working on really losing it in January. He wants me to call him on his eating mistakes, but I feel horrible doing it. I have to say though he is really doing a good job for himself the last few weeks and I haven't had to say much.
My Job
I hate my job, and shortly before we got married, my boss moved in with us...he is moving out next week THANK GOD!! but this has definately caused tension. My boss is the CFO of our company and I do all his work and basically he does nothing and its extremely frustrating....and i cant even get away when I come home
His Family
His family basically treats him like a second class citizen because his sister has a 2 year old that she is uncapable of taking care of by herself (and yes she is married and she is 35 and her husband is 40). It reallly hurts my husband that they do not take time (especially his mother) to spend with him and even when we do get a visit she is on the phone with his sister most of the time...She went so far as to tell us that she didnt need any more grandchildren she was happy with the one she had...Thank god he really loves my dad and my family!!
Independence
We are both extremely independent. We both owned our own homes and were alone for a long time before we got together. (he was alone for 8 years). We are 35 and 40 and neither one of us had been married before. We have been together for 2 years. So for approximately 30 years, we kinda took care of ourselves and did what we wanted. Now its hard for both of us to realize that we cant just worry about ourselves. We have definately improved in this area, and i think we have come to great comprimises.
Feelings
Not sharing feelings because neither one of us have a problem with that...our problem is my husband is super sensitive, and i am a smart ass!! I would never ever intentionally hurt his feelings but I tend to do that occassionaly and that is one of the only reasons we fight! I guess im a little "tougher" than he is and i just suck it up....So i have tried to be more aware of what I am saying and who I am saying it to....Sometimes i would love to tell him to just suck it up though...if im being honest (which i also have a tendency to be brutally honest)
So I spent alot of time writing out my response and it got eaten up by the interwebs. rawr.
Short version.
Money
Jobs- we work opposite shifts
Sharing feelings
Having Kids
I will elaborate later as I have things to do right now. but I'll be back tonight
Habits-
My husband too! It annoys my friends (and me) that we are always late. When I was single, I was always on time. If we need to leave the house at 2:30 to be somewhere at 3, DH gets in the shower at 2:25 and then takes 30-40 minutes to get ready!
DH does most of the cooking (he's chef). We don't have a dishwasher and he can use A LOT of dishes to make a meal (he likes to put each ingredient in its own bowl). Since he cooks, I am "supposed" to do the dishes and sometimes I let them pile up, which annoys him.
Jobs-
His- He loves his, but he is grossly underpaid. It sucks, cause we really need more money.
Mine- I hate it, it is very stressful, I have to work more than 40hrs and don't get paid for it, and I haven't had a raise in 5 years (and none in sight).
Sex - we both agree we don't do enough of this.
His Job - He's still on the fence about what he wants to do career-wise. He's ashamed that he hasn't figured it out by now, and I'm annoyed that he hasn't.
His family/God - they're Christian and don't know I'm not. I know this isn't causing tension now, but just wait until we have kids and I don't want them baptized. Should be .... not so good.
Money/ My job: I have a job but not a great one. I work at Bath & Body Works part time. I've been looking for a better one since we moved here, but Bowling Green is hardly the land of opportunity. Plus it turns out an English degree is kind of useless. So DH is the main provider in our marriage, and I feel so frustrated that he has to take care of me & I can't contribute more.
Sex: DH is on an anti-depressant & is in the process of switching from one anti-anxiety medicine to another b/c what he's been taking makes him feel sick & sleepy & fuzzy & he hates it. But the situation also leaves him with no sex drive. Like, none. I've been shot down enough in the last month or so that I'm just going to stop approaching it for now. He could tell I was starting to take it personally & he felt bad, so he did an experiment on his own to prove it has nothing to do with me & everything to do with what's going on in his body (a.k.a. he watched porn for like 45 minutes & didn't even get an erection. TMI?) So it's not just that he's not getting turned on by me. He's not getting turned on by anyone. I try not to make him feel bad about it, but it's miserable. We have a doctors appointment about though. Thank God.
Sharing feelings: He has a hard time calmly doing so. He grew up with four brothers in a house where no one talked. Ever. About anything. He's gotten better though.
His personal habits: Same as Christie's husband, DH has struggled with his weight for a long time & made a resolution for 2011 to really work on improving his eating habits & get to the gym more. He asked me to hold him to it & make sure he's not getting too far off track. He was super strict for awhile so I didn't have to say much, but he's been slacking lately & it's uncomfortable having to remind him to make better choices. He can't seem to grasp portion sizes, so I measure everything like he asked me to. Like when I made him 2 pieces of toast with "Smart Balance" butter for breakfast one morning, and after he finished that, he got up & made two more pieces of toast with peanut butter. He confuses "brain hungry" with "stomach hungry" & struggles with impulse control. I handle it i the least hurtful way I can, but it's not a good feeling for either of us.
Seriously though, who eat's four pieces of toast for breakfast.
ten-tenners' may siggy: me & mama on my wedding day
What's LittleMissNewlywed Cooking?