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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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XP: Wedding etiquette question
I was invited to my cousin's wedding in March. I live ~1000 miles from my hometown so I'll be traveling up there to attend the wedding. My cousin's sister (also my cousin) indicated that my BF would be invited, but when the invitation came it only has my name on it. WWFM do? Is it rude to send a message to my cousin (the one who is getting married) to ask him if I'm the only one invited or if I can bring a guest?
I already bought the plane tickets for BF and I so I'm in a weird place now. I don't want to overstep the proper etiquette, but I would like BF to come and meet the extended family. We have been together for 2 years & live together. I would gladly pay for his plate.
Re: XP: Wedding etiquette question
I would ask either the bride or her mom. Let them know you bought plane tickets for both you and your long-time boyfriend. I would not offer to pay.
It's funny - I had a couple people do this w/ us.
One guy- we hardly see him, he calls and asks if he can bring a friend, who happened to go to our college. I told him no.
A cousin - she was recently living w/ the guy. As she was family, I said "yes" even though I KNEW this guy wasn't going to last (and he didn't - she saw him kick her cat....).
I say ask. It can't hurt. Gently, in a way that doesn't guilt them. And if they say no, graciously understand.
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I would have no problem understanding if they said no, no big deal to me, but I WWYD with the invitation? I know it's my fault I assumed BF would be invited and bought the plane tickets. I guess we could attend the ceremony together and I could decline the invitation to the reception? I do not want to cause any drama. My family (and extended family is FULL of BSC drama)
FWIW, the reception is 1+ hours away from the ceremony site and will be 6+ hours long.
I had this happen to me (as the bride) where I had two guests that I hadn't seen in a while and I honestly didn't know that they were currently in committed relationships. Actually one guy had been keeping his girlfriend secret for about 5 months since they were in a long distance relationship and there were some definite cultural issues going on.
They both asked, and I said yes to both. No problem. Ask the cousin or your Aunt.
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Go, your BF can either find somewhere to wait or he can just stay at the hotel for the ceremony too.
It sucks, but as you said, you made an assumption. Gotta live w/ it if they say "no".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm pretty sure that it's not good etiquette to invite someone to your wedding and not invite their spouse/live-in/long-term significant other, so they're kind of putting you in a tight spot. I'd definitely ask about bringing him and hope they say yes.
GL!I would ask. The worst they can say is no. Is it possible they didn't know you were in such a committed relationship or something like that?
I agree w/ pp that we had some people who we said no to, others we didn't mind so much b/c we didn't know they were seeing someone seriously. GL!
well, this will teach you to not assume. what you should've done is wait for the invitation to arrive. if just you are on there it's just you who's invited.
if he's not invited then you both travel there, he does something else during the weddign and you make a nice weekend out of it.
the etiquette is fine-it's their wedding and they can invite who they want. SHE put herself in a tight spot not them!!! they didn't do anything-she did. don't misplace blame
As PP said, I would ask the bride or her mother, but be prepared with a backup plan if they say no. I also had this happen a couple of times for my wedding. I didn't realize that a couple of cousins were in as close of a relationship as they were, and told them later they could bring a date.
I said no when the teenage son of a family friend (the son was invited because his parents were invited-wouldn't have been invited otherwise) asked if he could bring a date. So, basically, he was a guest of his parents, and wanted to bring a guest. He didn't have a girlfriend, just wanted to bring a date. Um, no.
I think it would be OK to nicely ask but be prepared to hear "no". Be sure to put the blame on you though - they didn't do anything wrong if they didn't know about your BF or they had to cut the list down and couldn't include +1s for non-engaged couples for budget or space reasons.
Something along the lines of , "I just got my invitation and am so excited to come out and celebrate. I realized though that I made a huge assumption and etiquette mistake by assuming my boyfriend would be included on my invitation. Unfortunately, in my excitement I bought tickets for both of us to come out. Is there any wiggle room to include him? If not, I totally understand because it is my fault for assuming without checking first and I apologize sincerely for that. He can entertain himself elsewhere for the reception if he needs to but I'd love to introduce him to everyone if there might be an opportunity to do that."
Would be appropriate. I agree with pps about attending at least some of the reception if you RSVP yes. They're using those numbers to figure in food and beverages and it would be very un-cool to say you're coming and then not show because they will still have to pay for your plate if you're there or not.
OMG, I feel like we've all forgotten our "knottie" days...if someone posted that their cousin called to ask if their BF could come, we would be all over how rude that was. We would reiterate that the proper etiquette dictates that whoever is included on the invitation is the ONLY person invited.
OP, I'm not trying to jump all over you, its a legitimate question...but I would say that it's clear that the invitation is just for you. Perhaps your cousin, as I did, put a "only married or engaged couples" limit that was applied across the board (a tactic in scaling back the guest list and the budget). Also, the idea that you would use their wedding as an opportunity introduce your BF isn't going to sit right. Again not that I think you are "using them", just coming from the knot days that's how it could get perceived.
I would still bring him into your hometown, and just attend the wedding event itself. If there are brunches, rehearsal dinners, meet and greets...politely decline those and use it as an opportunity to show him where you grew up. If anyone asks why, be honest, I orginally purchased a plane ticket when cousin B mentioned that he would be invited, since he wasn't I still wanted him to travel with me and am going to spend the time with him. Very gracious on your part.
I bet you, that this is an oversight, and it will all work out that he will come, but let it develop that way vs. you being forceful
Proper etiquette, according to the knot, would be that they should be considered a social unit and invited as a couple. Not being married/engaged does not mean they aren't in a serious relationship. There are people that do not plan to ever get married - does that mean that they would never be considered a "real" couple.
OP - your cousin is wrong here, and I see nothing wrong with you bringing it up. Just ask her or your aunt if this was an oversight. And I would even bring up the fact that you are only confused because someone else told you that he would be invited.
When I was getting married I was told that proper etiquette stated that all people over 18 be given the option of a guest. Boy did this cause problems with 16 year old SIL! Anyways, we always gave the option of a guest, especially if we didn't know the person very well (if someone lived 1000 miles away I would assume they would only bring a guest if it was someone they were at least semi serious with).
Ask, it can't hurt!
Their etiquette is not fine, and I'm not misplacing blame. Good etiquette, according to Emily Post, is to invite the partner of any of your guests who are married, engaged, or living with their SO. For people who are single or in more casual relationships (living together or not is usually the cutoff) it's fine to not invite them bring a date.
When I was getting married I was told that proper etiquette stated that all people over 18 be given the option of a guest. Boy did this cause problems with 16 year old SIL! Anyways, we always gave the option of a guest, especially if we didn't know the person very well (if someone lived 1000 miles away I would assume they would only bring a guest if it was someone they were at least semi serious with).
Ask, it can't hurt!
that wasn't my experience of knot etiquette...I stuck to the local boards
It is apparent that your family knows you have a boyfriend because you state your cousins sister indicated your boyfriend would be invited. I find it extremely tacky to invite guests to a wedding but dont add "and guest" for anyone over the age 18 (which I assume you are). This tells me they are cheap and trying to cut down the cost in every way. I feel, if you cant afford for your guests to bring a date, then don't invite that guest all together.
That said, I would be very offended and not attend if I were you. However, do not be as tacky as your cousin and ask if you can bring a date, he knows you have a BF and he would've added "and guest" if they wanted you to bring a date. That would be rude of you and your family will probably talk behind your back if you do so. I realize you purchased your tickets so if I were your I would change my trip to somewhere fun and enjoy a nice vacation with your BF. I had a cousin do this after my DH and I had been living together over 5 years (we weren't married at that time, but we were engaged). "Rumor" had it the bride was telling everyone only spouses were invited as her reception hall of choice was very expensive and she didn't want to pay for extra plates for anyone not married. I saved her the cost of my plate as well since she seemed to be so concerned with that
etiquette says if you're living together, he's invited.
between that, the fact that she mentioned he'd be invited, and the fact that you've already bought his ticket, i would email or call her and say something like --
hi cousin! i just want to make sure that SO is invited to the wedding. i bought plane tix for both of us after speaking to you last time, but the invitation was addressed to me only.
i would absolutely mention that his ticket has been purchased.
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Ditto this, except for the "speaking to you last time," it was "speaking to your sister last time."
If they say no, tell the bride you completely understand that she can't include your bf, but he has a ticket and will be in the area anyway, so if they have any last minute drop outs (and there ALWAYS are!), maybe they can give you a call.
I had a few people cancel last minute to my wedding - I would have LOVED to be able to fill the seats and not waste the $.
What I would do would totally depend on just exactly how it was indicated.
Does the bride know you personally and know that you are in a relationship. Your cousin is the groom and may have had little to do with putting together the invitations and mailing them.
When my mother's cousin (also a groom) got married, she wasn't sent an invitation. When the family asked why she wasn't at the wedding, she told them that she wasn't invited and they were shocked. Somehow her name wasn't on the final list (it was supposed to be) and because her cousin wasn't involved, it was overlooked. The bride didn't know his family and was completely embarrassed by the oversight.
It could be something as simple as "& guest" not being transferred onto the bride's final list or a bridesmaid missing it or something.