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Follow up to Birthday Celebration with In-Laws
Thanks for the advice. I appreciate everyone?s input, and I realize I should not expect to receive the same treatment on my birthday as my DH. It is a disappointment because my Mother always tells me that my DH is like a son to her and my family takes him to the same nice restaurant as myself for his birthday and gives him the exact same gift as myself for birthday and Christmas.
I met with my therapist last night as I happened to have an appointment with her and we discussed the issue. She knows my past history with my IL?s (they don?t like me, ever since we announced our engagement they caused problems before and during the wedding, and after). I tried to reach out to my MIL in the past by asking her out to lunch and we did have lunch a few times but she was not interested in reciprocating, so it has been difficult to bond with her.
My therapist said I shouldn?t have to eat somewhere I wouldn?t enjoy going to eat with them, and it would be ok to say that I don?t care for the breakfast place, and to suggest alternatives. If they insist on the breakfast place, she said it would be ok for me to turn down the invite if I don?t want to go. I could just tell them I don?t like that particular restaurant.
I don?t know how it works in other families, but whenever it is a birthday for MIL, FIL, Aunt, and BIL, we receive an email letting us know the time and location and that they made a reservation. Even though we are paying for their meal. They never call my DH ahead of time to ask if we are available on that date or if that location is ok with us until we receive the email. Sometimes my DH will want to change the location, and they tell him no! I imagine in other families they discuss the restaurant, then decide the logistics and then make the reservations after they find out everyone is available. I think that needs to change and I need to get DH on board with that, he is so used to that, its been going on for a very long time.
Re: Follow up to Birthday Celebration with In-Laws
I think I remember you from another post long (months? a year?) ago.
Doesn't the aunt have some wierd presence in the family? Like you can't NOT invite her to things? AND you buy her birthday dinner, too? I would put an end to that.
Your therapist seems reasonable.
I agree with the PP - make reservations and tell them that is where your celebration will be.
I would also suggest that you do what my family does. Its your birthday? Your spouse throws your party? You're not married (Aunt, BIL). Well, you are a grown up, throw your own darn fete!
Your therapists advice is great, but knowing your IL's dont' really like you, I personally would just say "thanks, but no thanks" to going out for your b-day w/ them at all. why force yourself to spend time w/ people that you don't really get along with?
Past that, yes, I fully agree that you and DH need to start changing how the b-days are done. They schedule it w/o asking you all? "Oh, sorry, that night doesn't work for us." or (as I think I said before) "We'd love to do dinner, but as we are paying, we need to suggest B. If you want to do A, then we'll have to bow out of going this year.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
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You can decline all of these invites, you know. You don't have to pay to join every odd IL at a restaurant of their choosing.
Coming back. I would assume you're working w your therapist on this, but what kind of baffles me -
your first post, at face value and based on how your family is, o.k., sure, I can understand being disappointed. Even though I don't think it's anything to address w/ your IL's and it's something to either roll with or just say "no" to.
But knowing that there is a past w/ your IL's and you know they don't like you... kind of baffles me as to why you'd then expect them to treat you just like they treat your DH. You KNOW what they are like. You KNOW they don't like you.
Why are you expecting different behavior from them? A part of this really is about you understanding, accepting, and respecting who your IL's are. With or w/out their dislike of you- this is who they are. I think it's unfair of you to expect them to change.
And as a PP said - I also simply don't get why you want to spend more time w/ these people....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Although I think the advice your therapist gave you is helpful with respect to suggesting a different plan, what I think you need to take away from this is that life is not always even stevens.
It is wonderful that your parents treat your DH equitably and are nice enough to treat him on his birthday. Unfortunately, you can't apply those same expectations to your in-laws. You either need to accept the breakfast or brunch possibly at a location of your choice, or I would gracefully opt out. Make plans with your DH to go into the city for a sightseeing day or go out for a hike somewhere. Just do something that will make you happy and not allow you to continue to obsess about this apparent inequality. I think that your history with your IL's has tainted your perceptions of them and you are now attributing any issue to being a personal slight. I would disengage and do my own thing.
I also think that you resent the fact that you have to spend so much money on taking them out to nice restaurants. You need to sit down with your DH and see if this is a problem for him, or if it is only just you who are bothered and he likes doing this for his family (I don't get this impression based on your MIL's 'demands' but at the same time I am only getting your admittedly biased version of events). If he is frustrated by the status quo like you are then you can come up with a joint plan to turn things on their end. Youve been given a lot of advice for that, so I'll leave that be.
I personally loathe going out to restaurants for birthdays. I find it's exceedingly difficult to find a place which suits everyones tastes and budgets, and the whole paying for other persons' meals thing gets to me. DH and I will go out together alone to celebrate our birthdays and if we want to have a party or get together to celebrate with others we usually have them over for dinner or drinks at our place. Then again, our taste in restaurants (sushi, modern, etc) does not exactly coincide with the tastes of our meat and potatoes family.
Maybe I just hate birthdays.
Married Bio
Everyone has given some good advice.
I will also say that when I first started dating my H, his mother hated me from the word go. I wasn't his ex-wife, I was new, she didn't know me, she was always making nasty/snide comments, etc. The list just kept growing and growing. Eventually things came to a head for me and I realized that it was silly for me to put so much stock into whether or not she liked me or treated me the same as the rest of their family. The important part is that my H loves me and he can deal with the comments, etc. from her. I don't need to if I don't want to. Eventually her and I came to an understanding that she can have her feelings, I can have mine, but in the end we still care about each other. It took awhile for me, but once I started listening to H about how she was, why she says/does things, it made me realize it wasn't really ME she didn't like, she was mostly projecting her own unhappiness, etc. onto the people in her life. I stopped letting it bug me and said oh well. I think your therapist brought up some good points as well. It takes time but eventually if you work hard enough at it, that stuff will just roll off your back.
don?t know how it works in other families, but whenever it is a birthday for MIL, FIL, Aunt, and BIL, we receive an email letting us know the time and location and that they made a reservation. Even though we are paying for their meal. They never call my DH ahead of time to ask if we are available on that date or if that location is ok with us until we receive the email. Sometimes my DH will want to change the location, and they tell him no!
This is when your DH has to say..."well, we will not be there...hope you enjoy your dinner! " And stick to that!! No one can take advantage of you unless you LET them and he lets them.
SueBear,
You have an excellent memory. The Aunt has never been married and so is part of all family get togethers since she never had a husband and family of her own. She is basically the matriarch of this family.
That's when dh says "sorry, that won't work for us, but enjoy your birthday!" and then you send them a card in the mail. Don't even discuss it further. Just skip that celebration. Or suggest hav
To me, you don't have an IL problem as much as a H problem. He needs to see a therapist, too, or a doctor that will sew some balls onto him. Why are you paying for BILs birthday meals? If BIL marries, will you pay for SIL meals as well?
Tell him that is bugs you that you and he pay for meals for the whole d*mn family every time their birthdays come around, and yet you are treated to a cheap breakfast for their birthday. IMO, that is not something you should be happy about - that is a sign of disrespect. Also explain to him that it is NOT customary for people to set up a time, date and location for their birthday dinner, and then EXPECT you to show up and pay the bill.
My dh is a great guy. A very GENEROUS guy, but if I told him we were taking four of my family members - who don't even LIKE him - out to dinner WHEN they expected it and WHERE they wanted to go, he would tell me no f'ing way are we doing that.
Your therapist had some good suggestions, and I DO agree that you can't expect your ILS to love or even like you (so stop trying to win her affection!), but at the same time the two of you need to stop being doormats. That goes triple for your H.