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WWYD - Friend's wedding (long!)
My BF from home is getting married this fall. A few weeks ago I asked (via phone call) what she was working on at this point and she said trying to work on her guest list so she can send her STDs soon.
Her guest list is at 500+ and her reception hall holds 400, with 10 sitting at a 60" table (which IMO is crowded; we sat 8 at ours). When I said wow, so you're inviting more than you can seat, she said "yah I know, we're working on cutting down the list. But I've heard on average 20% decline, right?" I said "I've heard that too, but really you should plan for 100% attendance b/c you never know and it's better to be safe than sorry" and it was kind of left at that.
Recently she told me that her church changed the pews in the sanctuary and took away some seating. I asked her how many it seats and she said, I think about 250.
Anyone else seeing a red flag? 500 people invited, 250 church seats?
I've been debating whether or not I say something to her, as a friend and also as someone with experience, that she really should consider cutting her guest list. I know it'd be all about how I say it, as not to offend her.
My sister thinks I should and originally my mom said absolutely not...but then I told me her "talking points" and she said that those are items that she hadn't considered and that my friend probably hasn't either
Talking points (just the jist of them, not ness. how I would say it):
-The reception is supposed to be a thank you for the guests for traveling to you and attending the ceremony. Therefore, if you decide not to do a receiving line (which would take hours w/so many guests), you really should make an effort to take to all of the guests at the reception. Granted we only have 200 guests, but we talked with everyone and both sets of parents later received compliments how nice it was that we did that.
-There definitely won't be enough seating at the church, and potentially the reception. It'd be easier on the bride to narrow down the guest list now, rather than stress about how she'll fit everyone when RSVPs start coming in w/only a few weeks to go.
-Lastly, I know her wedding will be absolutely gorgeous and a wonderful day, but as a guest, it's easy to remember the negatives over the positives. As a guest if I were to go to a wedding, not get to sit at the ceremony and also not have a chance to talk to the bride and groom, it'd really leave a sour taste in my mouth. For example, 1.5 yrs after my SIL's wedding, whenever it gets brought up, my sister comments how they ran out of cake and she didn't get any. I know it's a shallow comment, but truth is, that's how people remember things...not how pretty the CPs were or anything that we as brides spend time focusing on.
Okay, so now that I wrote a novel...if you were me, would you say something or just forget about it and let the bride do her own thing?
[Poll]
Re: WWYD - Friend's wedding (long!)
I guess I wouldn't tell her what to do, it is her wedding, but this point is HUGE!!!! I was praying every day for declines in the mail. Maybe just let her know that it will save her a lot of stress if she starts with a smaller list. And just help her to figure out ideas of what she will do if all of these people show up. Trying to find solutions with either: 1) come up with some great solutions or 2) make her realize what a potential problem this might be.
The one downside to a smaller list, as you cut it down it becomes more of a list of people who will come and you can't really count on declines. We probably only had a 5% decline rate, but we also had our list pared down to the bare minimum so we could squeeze everyone in the small places I chose.
We actually split our ceremony and reception - it was pretty much just family and a few close friends at our ceremony. Including ourselves we had 30 people at the ceremony. The following day we had a larger reception, and people who were only at the reception didn't seem to be offended at not being invited to the wedding the previous day (and my MIL would have told me if she heard any rumblings).
If they wanted to have a small ceremony with family only, they could probably do that. But asking ~150-250 people to stand (which would probably be in violation to fire marshal code) isn't reasonable. I'd probably talk to her.
When inviting over 400 people, there is often a slightly higher decline rate (clearly you don't have 500 best friends). I would say she could set her bets on 350-400 (though more likely 300-350). So for the reception hall, it'd be do-able... tight, but do-able.
But the when you mentioned the church, yea, she really should reconsider some invites, and I think you should bring that up. Sure, there is often less people at the ceremony than the reception, but sounds like she would be creating a fire hazard even with a 25% decline rate!
By banking on so many declines, she is setting herself up for one hella stressful month of getting RSVP's in.
Thanks for your responses. Maybe I'll just wait and see as we talk if she's considered those things. The church seating is worrysome, but at the same time, if she thinks it will work, then who am I to tell her it won't?
I just don't want to be rude/know-it-all and overstep my "friend" boundaries since it is her wedding and not mine/ours!
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500 guests?!? Is she marrying a prince? :-O
Seriously, that's a tough call but it sounds like she's not really thinking this all the way through. There's a lot to take into account. There will likely be some who RSVP "yes" and not show up. But, there are also going to be some who show up with extra guests (date, kids, etc.). And in our case we had a couple who was never even invited show up! That's a huge risk to take inviting 100% over the capacity of what the ceremony venue will hold.
I would politely mention your points to her and leave it at that. She can do with it as she wishes. Then, don't mention it again unless she directly asks you. GL!
est. 10/10/10
hahaha!! I almost said something like this... at least that would be the only reason I could see 500 people actually showing up to the wedding!
Thanks for the additional points. I guess I really hadn't taken into consideration people skipping the ceremony (haha, I'm an idealist who would like to believe that that would be the main highlight to the day for people, but obviously that's not how it is).
I totally agree that it could/would be a fire hazard to have so many guests, but I doubt it would matter to any bride if there were violating fire code.
But as for the guest count, she and her FI have lived in our hometown pretty much their entire lives (friend has and her FI has besides 4 yrs of college). She's really active in church and overall just a friendly person. I think it's hard to cut ties if you live in the same city your whole life. Personally, I'd never want a wedding that big, but that's why ours wasn't!
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500 guests is crazy talk to me too! I would not want to deal with those RSVPs! Like a rude 60% of our people never responded. 300 phone calls to make? No thanks
We actually had quite a few people go to the Ceremony and not the reception. I don't know why, I would've done the other way around! If a large chunk of the guests are church friends, I bet quite a few of them might go to the ceremony and not the reception.
If she was just a friend, I would politely say something.
If she was my BEST FRIEND, she would get an earful...but that's just how we are. I would say how insane it would be for a guest to stand, and go over every negetive possible until she got the point.
I hate to suggest this, because I don't agree with it...but maybe she can make 2 lists (an A and B list), so as declines start coming in, she can send more out, but without anyone knowing what she's doing.