Sex & Romance
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Newlywed issue
Hi readers. I have a huge problem. My husband and I have been married for 4 months--our sex life has been dwindling slowly for about the past year. It seems like no matter what I do, he is not interested. More than once, I have gotten dressed in lingerie to surprise him when he comes home from work, or I will sneak into the bedroom later in the evening to change into something sexy, and even when he sees me, he does not want sex. He doesn't really like to kiss me/make out, and no matter how I try to initiate, it rarely works. We are down to having sex once, maybe twice a month, and we used to be intimate at LEAST 3 times a WEEK, if not more. I don't really know what to do or what to think...is he seeing someone else or just stressed from work? I know he takes care of himself because there are porn websites in his recent history on his computer. I'm so frustrated and embarrassed that I don't even want to try anymore; every time I do, he just blows me off. If I bring it up with him, he just acts like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I need useful advice, please help.
Re: Newlywed issue
It's selfish of him to dismiss your feelings like that when you bring it up to him, if it's an issue to you he should at least care enough to address it. Also, it's pretty brazen of him to look at porn on the computer and not even erase the history when he won't have sex with you--that must make you feel terrible and I think you should address that with him as well.
That being said, if he is really stressed out, that often takes a toll on men's sex drives. Anti-depressant medication often lessens sex drive as well, is he taking anything?
You mentioned about him maybe seeing someone else...was that just a passive thought or have you had evidence/hard gut feelings about this? Often times, gut feeling are right.
If he's not wanting to talk about this with you, you maybe should consider seeing a couple's counselor. Good luck.
The lack of sex isn't the problem, it's a symptom of the problem.
Do not fret or worry yourself sick. It appears it's DH is lacking and you are making an effort.
Is it the lack of sex, the lack of attention, lack of intimacy wondering if you are wanted?
You have been married for only a short time. It does take a while to adjust to married life.
HAve you tried having the "Why aren't we having more sex?" question outside of a sexual environment? As in outside the bedroom, over dinner, or sitting on the couch fully dressed before you pop in a movie? Have you approached it as "Sweetie, I have really been missing our hot sex life lately. I would hate to become one of those boring married couples who never have sex, because damn, we used to really rip up the sheets. What can *we* do to get back on track?"
Always frame it in the positive. Do not start with "Don't you find me sexy any more?" or "Is it the 10 pounds I have gained?" Voice it in problem solving terms requiring HIM to help with the solution.
Before the slump, what was the most likely way for sex to get rolling? Was he the initiator most times? Were you? Did you have morning sex? Hot little quickies? Fantasy games? Last thing before bed sex? If you are getting rejected at the times you are initiating, try mimicking the times you were previously having sex for better results.
Also, I might rethink the just as he walks in the door from work approach. Who knows what kind of day he has had -- perhaps you can text him before he leaves work to see what his mood is to time your approach better and hedge your bets on a favorable outcome. Or call him and plant the sexy suggestion in his head so that he knows "Hey, she wants to jump me when I get home!"
I try to stand my ground, but he just acts indifferent, like he doesn't really care at all how I feel. I think sometimes I come off too harsh, which I try not to, but approaching the sex subject when you have complaints is extremely difficult...I'm not sure if that's why he shuts down or not. There is a serious lack of communication here, that's probably our main issue.
And no, he doesn't take antidepressants, only nexium...
Buy porn that you wouldn't mind watching together. Most of all talk to him, tell him your concerns and him for suggestions. Don't blame him or become agressive toward's him because it will only pull you further apart. Watching porn gives you new ideas to spice things up. I know it seems bad or you may not agree but ask yourself, how far are you willing to go to save your sex life.
I don't really think making someone feel unwanted and ignoring their feelings when an issue is brought up is really a part of a healthy marriage. Perception is reality, and if OP thinks this is a problem in their marriage, it should be treated as such.
I would tell him that whether or not he doesn't think this is a big issue- you do.
But in all honesty, if my husband wasn't interested in sex, I would start questioning his fidelity....
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What is your DH job? Its not my place to judge whether or not his job is too stressful to want sex but I do find it kinda hard to believe that would be a reason. Wouldnt sex be a great outlet if you were stressed? I am pretty cynical, feel if you are prepared for the worst it wont destroy you when you find out its true but I would go with your gut instinct on him seeing someone else. I've never had a gut feeling that wasnt actually true. The fact that you are writing it must give you at least a tiny bit of reason to believe it. I hope thats not the case for you but I'd be doing a little investigating if I were you. There is a chance its health related in which case he needs to go to the doctor. On that chance, do you think you can get him to start with maybe just a routine checkup, have his blood and cholesteral checked? I'm curious, does he ever have impotence problems? This could definitely indicate health problems and maybe hes embarrassed.
I agree with pp you need to approach the topic in neutral time, not after you've been rejected. If he cant discuss this with you then you need to suggest counseling. If hes not willing to discuss or do counseling its pretty clear making the marriage a happy one isnt a priority to him. I hope things work out for you.
It is stupid of him to be taking care of himself and not being with you sexually. Its kinda immature of him to look at porn and not have sex with you.
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