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Stressing
Girls, sorry to offload junk on you, but I really don't have anybody else to talk to about this stuff. I don't want to overburden my family or Ziggy because we are all so stressed right now.
The short:
- My dad is doing really badly
- Ive been given way too many new projects/work/responsibilities at work.
- The stress is making my whole body hurt.
The long:
I haven't had a good nights sleep in a few weeks at least, if not longer. I wake up tired, get home from work tired after working at least a 10 hour day every day, get home, make us dinner, clean up a bit, eat dinner and go to bed. Ziggy has been working crazy and crappy hours at his company (sometimes 20 hr days!) because he's been plowing for them with all of this snow. So i dont ask him to help at all and he's super stressed with all of that so i don't want to make him more stressed out with my stuff.
I'm so tired that my ENTIRE body has been hurting me, especially my head and neck and shoulder. Ouch 
I'm getting headaches all the time now too. I went to bed before 8pm last night and got up at 7am this morning, and i feel like i didnt sleep at all. I wake up like a million times during the night and my mind won't stop running.
And this is all b/c of worrying. And yes, i was previously diagnosed with Generalied Anxiety Disorder and Depression when i was younger...but i don't want to be treating it with medication. I hated how i felt on that junk.
I'm in a constant state of worry about my dad, especially. He is not doing very well at all lately. This new chemo is doing a number on him when he can get it. I say when he can get it, because the last few weeks, he's been way too sick to even receive chemo. All he basically does is sit in his chair all day and sleep. He has no appetite and my mom has to coerce him to eat even a little. I am starting to think that this is the beginning of the end and it makes me very worried and sad and all different kinds of emotions. What am i going to do? How is my mom going to take care of herself---she's already a wreck? Is my poland sister going to be back in the states then? How is my younger jerky sister going to live with herself having put my dad through misery and begin an a$$ all the time (which yes, she does this even now) once he's gone?
Work is killing me too. The hours suck, as usual, but the content of my work getting more and more demanding. More in depth, more projects that have a bigger scope for the whole company, more people depending on my work to be done perfectly in insane timeframes. I like that my job seems to be going somewhere, but its going faster than i can keep up with, given all the other junk i'm going through. I can't keep work at work. I bring it home with me....even when i'm not working. I wake up in the middle of the night worrying if i entered that request correctly or if this or that solution would work to fix a production problem.
I also haven't changed my diet at all since the wedding (or my excersize plan really) and ive gained quite a bit of weight. I know its really from stres but i cant find any other time in my day without stressing myself out even more to exercise. And of course the extra weight on top of already not being happy with myself is not helping with my self-esteem or anything.
IDK i just feel like a loser in every aspect right now and theres really no way to turn it around aside from a miracle.
If you read this, you can eat 2 cookies. Yup. 2!
House Renovations
Married Bio
I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
Re: Stressing
::::HUGS::::
I'm really sorry Kim. It does sound like things are rough for you right now.
I just want to comment on a few things you mentioned:
I was previously diagnosed with Generalied Anxiety Disorder and Depression when i was younger...but i don't want to be treating it with medication. I hated how i felt on that junk.
I think maybe you should talk to your doctor about this. There very well could be some new and improved medication or some other things you could be doing to help with this. It wouldn't hurt to revisit this dicussion, especially since this probably isn't helping in dealing with your stress. Maybe even talking to a counselor/therapist could help unload some of your burden/anxiety.
Is my poland sister going to be back in the states then? How is my younger jerky sister going to live with herself having put my dad through misery and begin an a$$ all the time (which yes, she does this even now) once he's gone?
None of these affect you - so it won't do any good to stress about things that you can't control. Who knows what your poland sister is going to do, but will it affect how you grieve or handle the situation - aside from it being nice to have her around. As for your jerky sister - let her worry about how she's going to live with herself. That has no bearing on you.
I can't keep work at work.
You need to start trying to keep it at work. It's clearly affecting your sleeping habits and I'm sure that is in turn affecting other things.
I know its really from stres but i cant find any other time in my day without stressing myself out even more to exercise.
Maybe one of the best things you can be doing right now is working out. It wouldn't hurt to get some of those endorphines flowing and exercise is a really good form of stress-relief.
I know a lot of this is easier said than done - I get that it's hard. But I think you need to just work on getting one of these things turned around so it's not as much of a stress for you. Exercising and diet change will be the easier thing to change - because really that's the only one of the things that's completely in your control. Once you have control of that, I bet you'll feel much better about things...or at least feel like you're not spinning out of control. Does that make sense?
I've said it before and I'll say it again - anytime you want to talk/vent/etc. I'm here.
It sounds like you are going through an awful lot right now and I'm so so sorry.
I agree with Lauren on this. I would def. talk to your Dr. They can maybe give you some pointers on how to actually sleep and feel rested and also maybe there are exercises or something other than medicine that can help with your anxiety.
I can not even begin to imagine what you are going through with this. This has to be the hardest thing in the world to ever have to deal with and I will say all the prayers in the world for you and your family.
I have the exact same problem with bringing work home. I used to wake up in the middle of the night and get up to write something down that I need to finish the next day or realize a deadline I'm behind on. It does not help your situation at all and sometimes you just need to tell yourself enough is enough. When you feel urged to work on anything you have to force yourself away from it. If you don't it will drive you crazy.
Keep us posted and keep talking to us. We are all here for you
I'm sorry to hear about your dad and work all piling up on you at once
That is a lot for one person to have to go through. I wanted to say that I agree with what Lauren said. I think she's on the right track.
We're all here for you- Feel free to let it all out. I'm sending you all the nestie vibes I can muster.
Oh, Kim, I am sorry to hear that there is so much on your shoulders right now. I agree with what everyone said. I don't blame you for being sad and concerned for your dad and I am sorry to hear that things are not going better. You can't worry about the family members that are not you.
It is hard, but you need to make some time for you. Put aside the work for a bit, do something active, or just relax with a book for your enjoyment. Try to work these into your days by saying, "if i do this, i can go do that for me."
Please know that you can always come to us! My T&P with you, your dad, and your family!
Oh Kim
*hugs* I am so sorry for everything that you are going through right now!!! I couldn't agree more with the wonderful advice these ladies have given you though!
I would definitely see about talking to your doctor, it couldn't hurt anything in the long run at all! Perhaps with the work thing you can find something to take your mind off it when you come home?? Take a long bubble bath when you get home, listen to your favorite music, anything that will just help you unwind just a little bit!
I understand your reasoning for not talking to DH about this, but maybe it would help you if you did? Not that we aren't more than happy to be here for you and to listen to you but sometimes it is so much better telling someone about it that can physically be there to comfort you and hug you and wipe your tears away? (Please don't take that as you can't vent to us, because you can!! I always feel so much better though with that reassuring hug from DH or one of my friends when I'm going through hard times though)
We are all here for you through this though! I hope things start looking up for you soon!
Hang in there, Kim. I am so so sorry to hear your dad is not doing well lately. I'll certainly keep him in my T&P's, and you and the rest of your family as well during this difficult time.
I agree with Lauren, maybe working out /getting on a healthy eating regimen would really help you to de-stress and feel better. Also, sleeping as much as possible is good for your health.
I would definitely talk with a counselor about how you've been feeling lately. I understand you not wanting to go back on the meds. I was on Lexapro for a few months (it didn't work for me) and then Effexor for a year and once I was weaned off I definitely about myself/felt healthier in general. But you might feel better if you just talk to someone, about everything going on in your life. We are more than happy to hear our your vents online, but sometimes it just feels better to talk to a neutral party in person, cry, etc... and that is the job of a counselor
Also, it might not be a bad idea to go for a physical with your primary care provider, just to make sure you're not having any underlying health issues (like hypertension from all the stress).
I am keeping you in my T&P's, I hope you feel better very very soon!
I don't have much to add to all the things pp's have said, but I wanted to chime in and say that I'm thinking of you and your family right now. I'm so sorry that you have so much bad stuff going on right now, and I hope your dad makes a turn for the better soon! You are so strong, and you will get through this.
Please do go to the doctor, because I'm sure they can do something that will help - even if it's just giving you sleeping pills or some reassurance that how you're feeling is normal.
Many T&P heading your way!
thanks ladies for all of your suggestions.
In regards to the dr/counseling - i had an appt w/ my dr last week (cancelled due to snow), a rescheduled appt this week (cancelled due to snow), and now its been rescheduled until feb 18th. So pretty much this all has to wait until then. This junk/stress is mostly the reason i was going anyways.
I do think that diet/exercise are the things i CAN control now. My diet is very healthy already (aside from the occasional bowl of ice cream which is absolutely necessary), but my excericsing..well..it sucks. I know i need to add more, but I need to figure out this whole "not sleeping" thing before i can have any energy to add anything into my day. B/C i come home from work and just crash. I know it would help me, maybe it would help me feel better. I'll see if i can just at least take a walk sometime this weekend (though with the weather forecast it might just be around my house lol).
As for talkign to Zig about this stuff, i have. He knows what im going through but i just dotn want to overburden him on a daily basis with this stuff. I've made him more stressed out in the past by telling him in depth waht i was worrying about so i try to be careful with how much i complain about stuff...and trying to be postive about stuff does help me...i just had a really bad morning i think.
And i love you ladies tons
thanks for all the helpful info and esp. the prayers.
House Renovations
Married Bio
I am a gluten-free, gun-toting wife! :P
I love you, Daddy...2/24/1953 to 2/13/2011
Since you haven't been on any medication before, how have you dealt with this disorder and kept it under control till all this excessive stress? Do you need someone else to talk to? I feel we could be twins almost with how much stress we deal with.
I'm here for you. I know we live in the same state. I'm available to hang out with you. Just to listen if you want. Just let me know. Hang in there. Many hugs
Aw Kim, I'm so sorry you're so stressed. I hope things will get better soon! I feel ya with the anxiety though, I have issues with that too. I was a basket case when DH's aunt was in the hospital this past week before she passed away, plus all the weather and schoolwork. AH! I'm thinking of making a doctors appointment too.
What I try to do is plan an activity or something with DH that gets my mind off of things and makes me feel good. Like a romantic dinner or going to see a movie or something. Tonight we're making pasta with vodka sauce and I'm going to use the fancy china.
Please feel better soon!!!! Also, T&P for your dad!
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Wow! Kim, that is a lot to be going through. I agree with pp. You also need to take some time for yourself!! Take a bath, read a book, call a friend, etc. Do you have a good friend you could vent to on the phone and laugh with? That always help me! Also, baths help me relax. Maybe write someof these thoughts in a journal. Also sometimes listing all my problems helps me get them out. I don't do it right before bed, but sometime and then later when I look back many of the problems have resoloved.
I am praying for your dad and your family. It must be so hard to see him go through this. Can you find some time to do something, just you and him? Even if it is just to watch a TV show or talk? I think that would mean a lot to you and him. Hang in there!