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Am I stalling?
I posted this on the Starting Over board, but too, but I'd like to get some input from you guys too since you've been so helpful. TIA!!
Last night H wanted to have sex (after nothing but a peck on the cheek while I was in the kitchen) and I told him I didn't want to. He asked why and I said because I'm tired (which is true, it was 10:30 and the alarm goes off at 5). In my head I was screaming, "BECAUSE YOU P*** ME OFF!!"
So, I was thinking about it this morning. Am I using the need (want) to save up money before I go as an excuse to stall because I really don't want to have this conversation with him (I'm a habitual conflict avoider, I know)? Should I just bite the bullet and tell him I don't want to be in our relationship anymore? Or am I doing the responsible thing by making sure we have some money in the bank... I'm not sure how much longer I can do this, pretending things are ok when I'm crying inside...
I talked to a friend about it and she suggested a couples counselor, I don't know if H would go, and I don't know if it would help if he did... Part of me was kind of annoyed that she suggested the counselor because she knew I had been going to counseling myself and H hadn't shown any interest in it... Doesn't she realize that I HAVE been trying??? But maybe she just saw my wanting to save money before I left as a stall tactic because I don't really want to go... I don't know... I mean, I KNOW I don't want to be in this marriage the way it is, but I am afraid of taking that step... If he offers counseling, do I agree and go, or is it just another way for him to keep me around?? Either way there's still the money thing.... I have to have "the conversation" with him before I can find out if counseling is an option, which means in my mind that I need to wait so I can have some money... Is this a subconscious stalling tactic because I'm afraid, or is this being responsible??
I feel like I'm in a no win situation. So, many questions, so few answers... What do you think? any advice is greatly appreciated...
Re: Am I stalling?
If you call making excuses as to why you should wait, such as he might want a counselor and it could help, I might have more money later, I don't want to tell my family yet, etc stalling, then yes, you are.
Ask yourself what you think would change if he went to counseling with you? If you think he's capable of saying "hmm, maybe I should let her do her own thing more" then you might want to try that. But from what you posted, this is something integrated in his personality. This is his "normal." Clearly he doesn't consider your needs or your happiness.
I understand its hard, and even worse when you have a child but if you're hanging on to some fairy tale that things will suddenly change, I think you're just setting yourself up for more disappointment.
First of all, do not even suggest couples counseling to him. Even if he'll go he will very likely act like a different person there, then blame you at home for everything said in counseling. The other possible outcome is that he will be better for a while because he realizes you're at your breaking point, but eventually things will go back to how they were and possibly even worse.
Please read up on abuse, call the domestic violence shelter in your area. The more you open your eyes to what's really going on the more you will realize that he is a typical abuser and there is no changing that.
Have you been truly honest with your therapist about the verbal/ emotional abuse?
I can't tell you if you're stalling or being responsible, what I can tell you is that leaving is the hardest part, then every day after that gets easier and you will wonder why it took you as long as it did.
I have been where you are, though in my situation there was physical abuse as well, and I put off leaving for way too long. I was too depressed and it felt too big. Once I finally left it was like having the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. That was many years ago, I am happily married to an amazing man that would never dream of treating me the way my ex did, it seems like a different lifetime. I can't believe that I put up with being treated that way. The thing is, when you're in it you think it's normal and you think you deserve it. It's not and you don't.
There is life after this and I promise it is so much better. You just need to take that huge step of telling him you're done.
Whether you decide to do this today or once you have more money saved, please be aware that leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship. I don't want to scare you, I just want you to be safe. I strongly recommend you have someone there with you, even if they're in a different room, or call the cops ahead of time and make them aware of the situation. I also agree with what you said about not having your son home at the time.
I'm sorry this was so long, it just kills me to know that someone is where I once was. If you need anything, feel free to PM me.
You guys are absolutely right. I am stalling, but I think in this case I have a good reason to. I need to get a little more organized. But I need to make that a priority rather than just sitting on my A** saying "but I'm not ready" and never taking steps to become ready. I just need to be mindful of my tendency to procrastinate when things aren't going to be pleasant and not allow myself to fall into that pattern. This has to change with me, because no one else will do it.
I did talk to my counselor about the verbal abuse, but I am not really sure that she understood the extent... didn't lie about it, but I can see looking back how things were kind of "sugar-coated" to make them not seem so bad. She did tell me on several occasions that he was acting childish and I needed to be more direct with him about how that makes me feel... But I don't think being more direct about my feelings has really helped (partially because I'm not consistent with it) because he KNOWS how it makes me feel, and that's why he does it... I don't think that I would suggest counseling to him, but I'm not sure how I would react if he brought it up...
I am headed to the library to pick up a couple of books at lunch today I found one called "Encouragements for the Emotionally Abused Woman" and one called "The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself". I am hoping that these will help me a little bit... And I'm calling the DV shelter too.
Sure, you are stalling. But cut yourself a little bit of slack. You are in the midst of making a huge, life altering decision. And though you realize it is for the best, it is still hard.
I don't know all of your backstory, but what is your support network like? Do you have support from friends, family, etc? Can you start reaching out to people and asking for help - both present and future?
You don't have to take every step today or make every decision right now, but get your feet on the ground and starting to move will help.
There is a difference between stalling and planning. I'm sorry I don't know your background story but if you are in a DV situation, its perfectly reasonable to plan. One of the things I would discuss with an abuse client was if she had a "safe plan" - money, clothes, documents, set and ready to go in a bag; where she would go; how she would get there; child care; legal support.
Some clients wanted to keep smoothing things over, never risking the hint of change but secretyly dreams of "running away" one day. Others had a clear game-plan with action steps - each one checked-off like a count-down to the day they could walk out.
You sound like you have a general idea of what you need to to do leave, but its more of a hopeful dream to suddenly do one day. I'd suggest contacting the DV shelter and asking for help for an action plan to leave your DV situation. Not hitting in you in two years doesn't disqualify you from DV services. Not at all. Use their help and do some work to make a check-list of what you need to do to leave. I knew people that had to get their GED before they could leave, just to get a job and their own money! So, you are way ahead of the game.
Have you seen a lawyer? Set-up a finacial plan? What would happen if you sold the house? Or stopped paying on the mortgage? You can sell the house. Or its not the end of the world to have bad credit for a while.
But you do have to co-parent with your child's father. That's not going to go away. He's going to have visitation and rights to medical decisions. You two might have joint custody. It won't be possible to pop out of the house and never see him again. That's the thing about couples counseling, people don't always go to save their marriage, lots of people go to have help to end it.
The very next thing you have to do is to get REALLY honest with your therapist. If you haven't made it CRYSTAL CLEAR that you are living in a abusive relationship, go ahead and tell. You've been pretending to a lot of people, your therapist shouldn't be one of them.
I've talked to a lawyer and gotten some advice, but I can't afford to hire him right now. I may call around and get another consultation, I have some more questions now than I did before.
I don't think I was really ready to admit where I was with our relationship before. Before, he wasn't working and I was working 2 jobs (all through my pregnancy too), and he didn't want to get a job. Then his unemployment ran out and he started working under the table for a family friend and that's where he is now. I thought for a while that things were better, but I really think they just seemed that way because he wasn't around as much...
Lots of things to think about... Lots of planning... I guess I'm just feeling overwhelmed.
Of course you are overwhelmed. It is part of what he is counting on. It's easy to stay, so you will.
That's why I think you need to lean on family and friends now. You need practical help and emotional/physical support.
I have some emotional support, but mostly family out of state and none of them know what's really happening. No financial support, and a few friends I could probably call, but only if he's not around because I'm not supposed to talk to them because he doesn't think they are "good people" and he doesn't think I'll make "good decisions" when I'm around them.
Like I mentioned yesterday, I do have one really good friend who I can talk to because she is in a similar situation, but she's dating one of H's best friends and I don't want to say too much to her out of fear that it will get back to H.
I posted this on the Starting Over board in response to another poster who wanted more information and said it sounded like I am bitter... This may give a little insight to what I'm going through, why I'm scared to leave, and why I have to...
Yes, he has hit me in the past. Because I went to a bar and had a beer with a girlfriend of mine, during the day. He got mad because I am married and have no business in a bar. He said that the only reason to go to a bar is to get laid and since I was at one I must have been whoring around.
Since then he hasn't hit me, but there are holes in all but 2 doors in my house and countless dents and holes in various walls in the house too. He says he hits them instead of hitting me and I should be greatful that I'm not the one he's hitting.
Mostly he just calls me fat and lazy and a b*tch and I can't do anything right. I wish I could go back and get my very first post so there was more background available to you all and you would have a better understanding of what this is. But here's a little background in a nutshell:
H worked steadily from the time we started dating until about 2 months before I had DS. He started smoking pot about a year after we got married and it's been a constant source of agitation in our relationship. Everytime I bring up the fact that I don't like it, he yells at me and tells me to stop trying to change him because he is the way that he is and I can't change him. When I was pregnant with DS I worked 2 jobs to make ends meet and save up some money for maternity leave. Meanwhile he ASKED his foreman to lay him off so he could spend some time at home with DS and still collect unemployment. He did not start working again until his unemployment ran out a few months ago... The pot addiction continues adn we are in a ridiculous amount of debt because he spends bill money on his addiction and refuses to get help. He borrows money from his parents to pay for it when I don't give him money, meanwhile tells me that I am a controlling b*tch who just can't come to terms with who he is.
The house is not our house, it's HIS castle. it will be run the way he wants, and cleaned the way he wants, and I will conduct myself in a manner that he deems appropriate for a married woman. I will not wear anything that does not cover my knees when I sit, nor anything that he thinks is too tight or has a v-neck without a cami underneath, because that is how sluts dress. I cannot cut my hair unless I keep it 1 inch below my shoulders, the list goes on and on and on...
I wish I could say that I am exaggerating things and I am just being bitter. In reality, I am not exaggerating, and YES I am bitter. Very bitter.
I'm a total lurker, but I've been reading your posts. I really don't think you should delay in removing yourself from the premises. I would contact a lawyer, call local women's shelters, contact family/friends you trust and tell them the full truth about what is going on, and corral all the help you can get financially, emotionally, and physically to get yourself out of that situation. I would make copies of every financial document you can find. I'd take pictures of those holes in the walls. I'd start keeping a journal of what he does and when he does it. In short, I would get my sh*t together in a hurry, but in a thorough way. I'd make sure it's documented as well as you can that he's abusive, since you share a child.
You have a right to be bitter. You've been imprisoned by an abusive man and you're realizing now that you deserve(d) better. I realize you're probably stalling out of fear... be it fear of his reaction or fear of the uncertainty of a future alone... but in either case, neither one trumps how you feel now.
You do not have to wait until his temper flares again so you have a "good" reason to leave. His past behavior is enough of a reason to start walking now.
Call a domestic violence hotline. Tell them you want to leave your marriage and need help. The fact that he hit you and has verbally / emotionally abused you might open up a LOT of resources that help you get out sooner. You might even get free legal aid. You will also get emotional support, the prosecutor's office might help you out, and also provide you with resources so that leaving the house is NOT seen as abandonment b/c you were afraid to stay there.
I would also find a way to document he is getting paid under the table. Do not file a tax return with him if he is not claiming this income. One day you will want to prove he can pay CS. It could come back to bite you on the arse with back taxes, penalties, and fraud.
It seems you are getting more convinced you need to get out instead of thinking this is acceptable. Good luck moving faster with your plan and making sure you are safe. You might want to hide a bag somewhere with clothes, cash, IDs, and copies of anything important should the need to flee arises without warning.
I agree with getting honest with your therapist. She can't help you if she is given half the story.