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An issue with my Dad
I make an effort to have a good relationship with my dad and my stepmom, especially since we have a lot of drama in our past that we've all worked through. My stepmom and I get along great and she is very supportive and easy to talk to.
But when I go to visit from time to time, my Dad always mentions something about how DH could be cheating at work or that some chick's probably flirting with him when I'm not around. I know that things like that are always at risk to some degree depending on the person, but I really get tired of him planting those thoughts in my head. Not to say that I let any of his opinions affect how I feel about my marriage, but I think it's unnecessary to always have those things in the front of your mind without a reason.
We've been married almost a year, and I understand that no matter how old you get, parents will always worry about things. I just need to find a way to tell him to stop without causing an argument. If I let myself, I can get insecure all by myself without thinking groundless thoughts about DH cheating. Don't need it!
I struggle a lot with talking to my Dad if I disagree because he takes it personally or says I'm in denial. It always ends up in some kind of argument or him feeling like he was disrespected. This happened again yesterday and I'm basically fed up.
Re: An issue with my Dad
How can you have (or want to have) a good relationship with your father if he's saying these things about your DH? His comments are inappropriate and hurtful.
My family has a really bad pattern of alienating each other and I just can't let myself continue that. My dad has been cheated on in the past and is a very melancholy person, but I can't justify ignoring him for something I know I can't change.
It makes me not want DH to have a relationship with him. Why would he want to? He always needs to "verify" that he actually loves me.
Ugh, I should know what to say, but I don't
I would absolutely call him out on this each and every time that he says this.
"Dad, that is extremely hurtful that you would even suggest such a thing. I won't hear of this again."
If you are in the same room as him, get up and walk out. If you are at his house, leave. If you are on the phone with him, hang up.
My mom did this once (projection for my dad cheating on her) and doing this nipped it.
Do you think he might be cheating on your stopmom? It sounds like he's projecting- he acts a certain way and so he assumes that other men do, too.
I can't imagine why anyone would say something like that, especially to his own daughter, unless he had a specific reason to believe your husband was cheating and wanted you to know. I can see how that would be annoying, even if you completely trust your husband. And then he tops it off by getting offended if you don't respond with, "Gee, you're right- he's probably banging the secretary right now!"
To be honest, your dad sounds like kind of a jerk. If this is how he interacts with people, it's understandable that there was some drama in the past. If I were you, I would limit my contact with him and I probably wouldn't be very open with the details of my life. It sucks that you can't have a better relationship with him, but it sounds like your efforts will only lead to more frustration for you.
Please put yourself in your DH's position. How would you feel if his parents were saying stuff like this to your husband. What would you want his reaction to be? How would you feel if he was more concerned with his parent's feelings than yours ?
What??
Time to get angry and tell him to STFU when he pulls this crap on you.
Sometimes humor is the best neutralizer. Something like:
"Cheating? Who the hell cares about that? He better not be spending any money!"
And then next time:
"Cheating? Who the hell cares about that? He better not be shooting heroine."
And then the next time:
"Cheating? Who the hell cares about that? He better not be voting Republican (or Democrat)."
"Dad, I know cheating is a hot button for you, but it's not a factor in my relationship with dh. It's not DH's fault that you were cheated on in the past, and it would be wrong of me to not trust him b/c of your issues."
or, you could go with the "why would you think DH would be the cheater? Maybe HE should be suspicious of ME!"
As for the critiques of your clothing/makeup - "When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it!" or "you are wearing that sweater vest and you're telling ME what to wear?"
I know your family is not close, but what you are agreeing to is "a relationship at any cost." Your dad seems messed up, but that is HIS problem. Just because he is connected to you by DNA doesn't mean that you need to go through this just to enjoy a relationship with him. You would be better off surrounding yourself with friends, ILS, other people who made you feel good about yourself and who are enjoyable company. Maybe plan to spend a lot of time out with stepmom and just see him for meals.